Wednesday, February 25, 2009

living vicariously....

thru people who love the city as much as i do.

have i ever told you i pray at night that s.mac and i will get called on missions for our church to the big city when we are old and decrepit?

i do. i love manhattan. s.mac, not so much. he gets twitchy and nervous, and okay - i will give him a break, there were 2 strollers involved on our excursions plus the subway. not fun. i always tried getting him there, every weekend our bodies claimed stake to close proximity of the place. but - he hated it. period.

when i was 8 months pregnant, my redhead was supposed to graduate. we were apart for 5 weeks while he finished up and i settled "winds of love" into a kindergarten routine in our new state. our plan was to have me fly out for his graduation and we would hit the big city, just the 2 of us. i had plans for food, food and more food. possibly we were going to slide some broadway in there as well as some shopping.

life happens and we had a sad family tragedy. s.mac came home the minute he heard and missed his graduation. i love him. we also missed our weekend in the big city. it was my chance to prove to him that he indeed loved the big city, just not with 2 strollers. we have never gotten back. life still happens and we always find an excuse or a reason to put our green somewhere else. tragic isn't it?

thankfully, i can live vicariously thru these folks and get my fix


mormon in manhattan
rockstar diaries

maybe you will discover your love for the city as well as you live thru them....

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

how this book gets to me..

from time to time.

the whole concept of this book inspires me. i really, highly, exuberantly recommend this book. it has permanent stay on my nightstand. before bed i pick it up and read and skim and then ponder for a while. then, i pray.

it delves into how we should live life, how she cured herself from a cancer ridden body by simply extinguishing her negative thoughts. louise has made her way around the world, oprah swears by it. my mothers copy is tattered and torn. i simply stumbled upon the book and then discovered the fan club that comes with it afterwards, so accept my apologies if this is old hat to you. small, cheap - might just change the way you think.....every woman must partake...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

the tooth fairy chronicles

as "winds of love" has been loosing her teeth like they are going out of style, each night time pillow placement got more and more complex on the tooth fairy's part. one night she was at a friends house having a sleepover and we had to slip the 8 quarters in a baggie with a note, hand it to the father and then give explicit instructions on placement and the answers to the questions surely to be asked by this inquisitive gal.

then, another one, days later and there waiting for me was a note. usually i slant my writing and leave her a note - she took me by surprise by leaving me a note, asking if the tooth fairy could be her pen pal. i responded with something like, i would love to find you a pen pal. in her best 2nd grade reading skills, she somehow took that as yes, i will be your tooth fairy pen pal.

so, the notes began. she has hid some of them and taken others to school, drat it all. but, the ones i was able to snatch away from the clutches of her hiding spots, i did. and now, i impart....

to: tooth fary from: "winds of love"
I've ben wondering Are you the olny tooth fary? Some time will you stay to let me see you? sincerely, "winds of love"

dear sweet "winds of love",
i am not the only tooth fairy. there are many, many tooth fairies. we have a lot of teeth to collect. even with magic it is hard to get all of them. i am YOUR special tooth fairy, assigned special to you. only fairies can see other fairies. kids don't have enough magic to see us. babies can see us because they can't talk.
love, the tooth fairy

then, in between these 2 letters, there were inquiries about a name to which i responded with "noree" {that is what hella's name almost was} and what are your friends names. i told her esmay and tiki. she asked what fairies and their friends do, i told her they play games like ant, ant bee and poke the dot. she asked what i looked like and i told her light brown hair with green eyes. she asked me for a picture of myself and i told her fairies turn invisible when the flash goes off. somewhere in the mix, i received a strawberry under her pillow with a note attached. she told me they were her favorite. i told her thank you and that the strawberries grow much smaller in fairy land, that i would be full for a week.

If I don't talk can I see you? do you have more friends that 2?


silly "winds of love",
my name is noree! you are so funny. i have lots of fairy friends. some other friends names are ginny, petra and ebbie. i wish you had enough magic to see me! maybe you could use your imagination and draw what you think i look like.
love, noree

sorry about last night how i spelled your name rong it's just my grandma's name is loree (correction LaRee)
love, "winds of love" p.s. my name is triky

that's okay. that's cool your grandma's name is like me, wow! and we get married in fairy land when we're 1 million years old. we live for 3 million years. love, noree

How old are you? I have a sister named Hella and a barther "bud 'E'


that's cool. i was wondering what their names were. i am still pretty young. i am 747,707 years old. i have a ways to go before i am married.

and that has been that. no more communication from the depths of the underside of her pillow, but can i tell you a little tidbit?

while all of this was going on, something inside my fairy eyed girl sparked. i was inside her deepest thought process. we were on the same level. she was up early every morning awaiting her response. telling everyone the newest information gathered. the notes were the hit of the playground being passed around to anxious and curious girls.

the most latest happenings on the fairy front are from their mothers, calling me. and we giggle and giggle at the innocence and the edge at which their childhood innocence hangs. one poor little girl left a note for the tooth fairy and it went unanswered. this poor mother wasn't hip to the fairy happenings and her little girl awoke to sheer disappointment. once her mother was informed by another mother as to the pending fairy issue, these concerns were resolved.

it made me happy to be a mother. the older my fairy eyed beauty gets, the harder i find it to relate to her. it's not rattle shaking and tickling anymore. counting books and the abc's no longer spark her interest. i feel a little sad some nights as i review my day, what could i have done better, more. being the fairy friend was the closest i have been in a long, long time to my "winds of love". my happiness came from thoughts she had of friends running in a circle playing games, waiting to be married and waiting for teeth to fall. it helped me in my quest to figure this parenting thing out without going insane, and i think tonight, a new note will be left to pick up right where we left off.....

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

thoughts on love

my parents just got back from a week long stint in the islands that most hope to visit in their lifetime. they got some roaring deals that spurred on this winter escape.

this trip was to celebrate 30 years of bliss. i realize in this world we live in today that this is a great milestone. as one of 6 children coming from this union, i think as their offspring, we celebrate this milestone as well.

as a kid, it was not unheard of for my parents to be spotted at a local make out point on their designated date night. every week, my dad courts my mother. every week of my lifetime i can remember this practice going on.

they haven't tripped often. only leaving for a few overnights here and a 3 day trip there. they've stayed close and have strong feelings about leaving kids still at home for extended amounts of time. after all, their strong desire to do their part in the world of parenting still leaves them with two adolescents needing their time.

for 8 glorious days these two escaped the perils of winter and sipped tropical drinks and soaked up the sun. my mom commented that every winter filled with flu, fevers, coughs and doctors visits were worth it for those 8 days. they had an amazing time, coming home like 2 teenagers in love. after all their love was fueled and founded in the crazy years of high school. there are pictures of "i heart jani and i heart bill" so beautifully sculpted in the sand from this bliss filled trip.

my little bud "e" spent the day with his grandpa saturday. running errands and topping it off by playing a rousing game of something technical on the Wii. as we were going thru our bedtime ritual on saturday night he looked and s.mac and i and said something to the effect of the following:

did you guys know that my grandpa has been loving his jani for over 30 years? he's been loving her for longer that you {pointing to me} have been alive mom. that's a way long time you know, to love someone.

my heart melted. and instantly my gratitude to parents, who stuck it out thru the hairy times that we sure to plague parents with 6 kids on one income, was flowing over. they felt strongly about a mom at home to nurture and raise little ones, there to greet them from school with a warm home, cookies on rainy days and a hot meal at lacing all of the memories i have as a child. my dad always told us that the best gifts as parents they could give to us kids was their love for one another.

how do you thank people that sacrifice so much to make you feel loved in this crazy world?

maybe make a tradition of sending them to the tropics each year.....

Sunday, February 15, 2009

da weener eez.......

kas, for reals!

we didn't cheat, promise. but i am so happy that a future member of my family was picked, i have a vested interest involved here.

it was all fair and equal. ashley picked the winner out as we were all gathered as a big sunday night utah family. she was so excited to be doing something tied to a wedding!

if anyone else is interested, sister has some amazing prices. they are as follows:

for families it is $50 for up to 2 hours. you get the disc of all of the pictures from your session included. i love finding photographers while they are building their portfolio, you get amazing dealios and have such a fresh, creative look for your pictures.

you can email ashley at

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

giveaway here

if you are like myself, a good family portrait is all you need to express your own style in your home. i absolutely love a good family portrait that wasn't taken at sears portrait studio. i remember having my bridals done in a park and having people say, oh, that's nice. back then, in the olden days, ahem, outdoors was not hip yet. it was all about studio and boring backdrops. now, don't get me wrong, there are some beautiful studio artists, but they don't come from the mall.

back to the giveaway.

i have been blessed with a beautifully talented sister in law who took my brother off our hands and makes him smile. while she's at it, she takes some amazing pictures. she is wanting to launch her work to a more full time status, so with that - i present a free photo session with miss ashley. leave a comment here, even out of staters who do occasionally visit the motherland can enter, and monday i will announce a winner.
p.s. you know i am totally okay with strangers commenting, more cyber friends to make folks.

you can see her HERE

and, here's some of her beauty and art..


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

the making of me {chapter 8}

although the title {parish house for the center church on the green} may give one thoughts that we switched religions and joined a cult, i assure you it was only the designated meeting place for the mormons in the hood. everyone told us indeed this is where the mormons gather at 10 a.m. on sunday. so, we decided to join them.

downtown we went. in our car, and never did i think i would have to pay for parking to go to church. but it seemed our only option. the lot across the street was our only parking option and we were relieved when someone in passing told us you didn't have to pay on sunday.

we were greeted at the door with missionarie(s). not one, of course, not two, but there were 8 elders in our ward! the flood gates opened, my utah narrow view had never seen so many missionaries in one place beyond bidding farewell to family members at the MTC. my heart was full, and somehow this reassuring presence calmed my entire body. i felt so safe, they shook my kids hands and then greeted us. we gathered in a beautifully sunny, open area with folding chairs all set up in neat rows. a stage was before us and 3 chairs were next to a microphone. people were gathering and i realized sacrament must be first. i had never experienced this before. then, moments before this meeting was to start, a scramble of sorts. yes, indeed a scramble to see who was skilled at tickling the ivory's. a simple piano sat to the left of this stage and microphone. someone was gathered and we commenced singing the opening hymn.

isn't it funny? gathered there so far from home, something warm and familiar felt like home with the music sung and the prayer offered. again weepy. my memory recalled gathers the following experience and forgive me if it is off by a minute here or a detail there.

it was the 5th sunday and our ward had decided to dedicate 5th sunday worship to missionary. period. work, help, discussion - you name it. this sunday's program featured the elders and the ward mission leader at the time. when brother hutton spoke, "winds of love" kept insisting "shrek" had come to church. no, no honey, he just talks like him. their accents are the same. he was gray around the edges, sparce hair on top, and his middle full and jolly. he spoke about his excitement for the gospel and truly i had never seen excitement like this in my rocky mountain growing up. he spoke of full conviction to the point that by the time he's done at mcdonalds everyone knows r. hutton loves the gospel of jesus christ. how touching, i thought, he really believes this with all his heart and he didn't grow up in "zion" per say. it was my first tangible experience with members that didn't need hoards of people supporting them to know the truth they claimed on sunday. although a concept i knew existed, i had never had the opportunity to see it. everything said in that meeting that day came at me full force, with power and strength to get me through the week, whatever it held.


they, the elders and brother hutton sang, "redeemer of israel".

if you are not familiar with this hymn, it was adapted for the LDS hymn book from Joseph Swain by William W. Phelps. it was included in the first LDS hymnbook in 1835. this song is strength to me and i always think of strong men in my life when i hear it. so as these great men belted out the following text a cappella, my mind was a flurry.

redeemer of israel our only delight
on whom for a blessing we call
our shadow by day and our pillar by night
our king our deliverer our all

restore, my dear savior, the light of thy face
thy soul cheering comfort impart
and let the sweet longing for thy holy place
bring hope to my desolate heart

while listening to the force and power of good men living strong lives, the faces of good men flashed thru my head. 2 brothers in south america serving missions that took great sacrifice to attain, a grandpa whose whole life reflected the principles this text was based on and a dad whose strength surely comes from the above mentioned text. i felt "home" all of a sudden. warmth rushed to every part of my feeble body, spirit and mind. the fear and loneliness slowly dissipated for this particular sunday. my whole spirit was renewed.

later on in the worship, i was able to venture to the relief society meeting for women and again, i was touched. this gathering of saints was unique because there were two languages, two cultures assigned to this gathering. it was an english/spanish congregation. our lesson that day was given by a spanish sister. she was using spanish and a sweet bilingual sister, one of the few who in this congregation, translated. i can tell you i didn't know a lick of spanish, still don't. but, there was something about the way this hispanic sister presented this lesson. i knew what she was telling us before the translation came. i could feel her eagerness to know the savior and to live a life in such a way that everyday would cause a closer bond with him.

as we were walking out of the building, i was introduced by my husband, to a couple that was in our same boat. the husband was to be a classmate of his and how ironic out of 30 class members, 2 of them were from utah and attended the same religious services on a sunday? it was a very good day.

Monday, February 9, 2009

i forgot......

to blogerifically wish him a happy happy day.

s.mac - you da man, i love you!

i also forgot about the humdinger of the birthday luck stories. my friend, b, reminded me today.

3 years ago i landed in the hospital causing us to cancel some reservations we had made months in advance for a birthday/valentines day combo. sigh...sigh....sigh.

turns out i was preggo with hella and a pregnancy related issue came up. they pumped me full of antibiotics that were supposed to halt formation of kidneys, bones - on and on. we had to live with the worry for months, but look now. all is well.

maybe the recollection of all this birthday luck will ward off the bad curse we have. although, the plans to go out on the town as a family have already been demoted to a possible"take out" status due to a mongo snowstorm and a baby that looks to be forming RSV. ah well, we have each other and somehow, no matter the circumstance, every year, that's enough for him!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

which team you on brotha

last week my redhead called me with a shocking call.

it entailed something about a surgeon he knows offering us the world thru one cell phone tower to another. well, maybe not the world to some. but to us, the thought crossed our minds that our children might not have to pay our student loans off. elated and crazed with hope and excitement, but then we thought about where he is now. he and his current doc are in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. passed the kinks, onto the bonding over retractor passing and joint gluing. onto inside jokes and respect. grooving and melding. in love they are. when you aren't looking for something and it comes right into your lap, well, i can't describe it. it's the luck you always wish for but never get. so, we took a couple of days. a couple of days to let it sink in. then got to talking, negotiating and thanking. a week later, the decision was made. the switch would be made. he went in to tell his honeymooning doc about this good fortune, giving his notice. the doctor's response had something to do with wanting to drink captain morgan's beer all night. that response was in light of an inside joke and they both laughed. the awkwardness started with s.mac feeling like he was letting air out of the tires and such. a couple of hours later i called to see how he was holding up and he said, hon, they don't want to let me go. they are making an offer to keep me.


but the decision was made.

so, now. we sit, we stew and look at two offers that will allow our children to eat fruit loops if there is no coupon. we want to be excited that we will possibly be able to buy grass seed for the home we are building within our lifetime, but we can't. have i ever told you about how we can't make decisions? about the lists we make and how we stew and stew? if i told you we have been out of school longer than we were in and we just made a decision on a house last month, would that clue you in?

my suggestion to s.mac to ease this decision making burden was to reenact an episode from "the office". we are now lovingly referring to these two docs as team W and team B. i suggested i put one name on my forehead and he put the other on his and we try to describe what label we have on the other's head. because like, how could we guess {tongue in cheek} and maybe it would shed some light on our true feelings about each job that would come out in an intense game like that {again, insert tongue in cheek}. we laughed and laughed. laughed and laughed. then, we went to look for kitchen cupboards. when we got done i said, "i didn't analyze team B or team W in there for 80% of the time."

s.mac responded with a "well, while you were looking at all that stuff and picking out colors, i was thinking about it 80% of the time."

one of us bats for team W while the other takes the team B side. they are in a dead even heat. we can't make heads or tails. or tails or heads. or, what were the choices again?

our only consolation that takes some guilt away is that s.mac might be able to convince a fellow buddy to interview for the job he doesn't take. knowing how much he loves his buddy and how much he thinks of him, it eases his guilt that they would at least be able to interview a phenomenal candidate at his departure. and if they doctors played their cards right, they might be able to snag this buddy.

so, until then, we are off.... stewing, making lists and putting cards on our foreheads, declaring which team we are batting for.....

Saturday, February 7, 2009

{counting thoughts and thoughts that count}

s.mac's birthday is a big deal this year. you know the one where your haunches pucker a month before you reach the milestone of turning 30. like, we're totally, completely decrepit. i am hanging on to my few months of peace, still able to declare passage and rights to the 20's. yes, h.mac s.mac 20 somsing......tho, sadly, not after monday. at least one of the two mac's will be joining the ranks of investing in preparation H, colon research and knee replacements. wrinkles an ugly reality and grey is the new black. or red in his case.

this weekend was to be the best {welcome to thirty} party you have ever seen. it entailed researched restaurants, cozy get away rooms, a viewing of music and the spoken word and some new house accessory browsing. we were going away for {drumroll puh-lease} 2 blissful, glorious nights. us, together. we haven't spent a night away, hmmmm. how old is bud"e", well, you get the picture. a vacay? s.mac and i? well, does the honeymoon still sound pathetic almost 9 years later? yes, darn.

then. taking all of these lovely activities into account. and please take them into account. IKEA was involved, a discount denim store, white sauce for grilled chicken, walks in the city and so on and and so forth. now, i divulge to you what we like to call s.mac birthday luck. never ever have we had an uncursed birthday of his. atrocities have included:

*a child falling from a high chair and smacking their head right before the scheduled departure
*flu, flu, flu
*fevers and pukies within seconds of consuming a very expensive brazillian meal it took me a month to save for
* a fridge breaking down and all the birthday dinner supplies getting spoiled (it was sunday too, no hitting the store)
and this year, in true s.mac birthday luck fashion the spoiler is:
{gasp, surprise and ahhh} sick babies and ear aches.

last night i was getting ready for bed, patting myself on the back for all of my secretive detective skills in figuring out what church duties of his needed to be taken care of, which job skills need to be covered, where the children will go and what measures we need to take to make sure none join us on this trip {hehe couldn't help that one} and so on, when lo and behold:

hella, burning up with fever before bedtime. burning up, eyes watering and nose: drippy. at 2 o'clock in the morning as we were still awake waiting to go to sleep, bud "e" came in declaring his ear was "killing him bad mom". at 5 AM the children decided to hit the sack all while my lofty birthday surprises crumbled around me. deflated and crumbled. i don't leave if my kids are sick. i hate the thought of leaving and having them sick. that's why god made moms, to heal the sick and afflicted, to wipe a burning head with a wet cloth, to administer tylenol, to blow on little foreheads, to use soft tissue on noses and to watch cartoons at 3 AM. like, no one else could do that. and certainly. if someone besides the mother had to, the trip would be ruined.

the thoughts i accumulated on our birthday curse had to do something with that fine red head i have. he's never complained about it. always been bend over backwards happy for the well intended thoughts and always happy. he is a rare man. always, always happy. i wonder if he's human sometimes as i tend to show him the range of emotions that imperfect humans go thru regularly.

love him, marinating in age, i soak him up everyday.....

Friday, February 6, 2009


i often post emotional things in this space has just been described by this lovely post HERE that i found thru her.

this topic has been on my mind as of late. sometimes i click on a blog or link, and think, you have so much story to tell, i wish you would tell it. i know you are going thru this or that and what a brilliant thing to tell. truth be told, maybe sometimes i divulge too much here. sometimes you leave thinking i would never say this or that and why on earth would she write that.

for me, well, it's therapeutic. when i write things about my mother heart and the house buying process that has been bend over backwards miserable until as of late, i write in the moment. i can't replicate those feelings or thoughts when they have passed. one day when my kids read these things in their adult years, i hope they feel a stronger connection to me as i share honestly what our life is like. good and bad. that is the game we play.

a few weekends ago i bumped into a friend from childhood and she mentioned she read my blog. i know a few of her cousins do too. instantly things running thru my head gave me a fright. like, oh mercy. lawsy mercy mild, their aunt, who is an english teacher, heaven help if she ever read this blog. i ran into her the next weekend. profusely apologizing for my grammar and spelling if she ever were to happen upon it. i don't write to be proper. i write to express, that means. sometimes my apostrophe's don't land in the "proper" place. my capitalizing goes by the way side because i get too excited by the thoughts begging to be written down. there, my apologetic plea to any english teachers or lovers that may peruse my ramblings.

my challenge is to write more. i need to more deeply fulfill my need to read real life, real women, real feelings, real monday nights that don't always entail laminated nephi handouts, sundays that end in feeling depleted inside and out, love notes from the tooth fairy that leave you and your lover in fits and fits of giggles in the hall way, and then - tears of pride for a toothless lady's sweet reality.

surely, you will feel better, more fulfilled and your loved ones will find a new found person unfolding on the pages, until the next heartfelt post......

Thursday, February 5, 2009

have i told you about...

the zoo song? no, your head will love it and it will become ear candy fo sho. your kids? they will dance and sing over and over. in fact it is quite possible you might get sick of the zoo song if your kids get ahold of it.

my brother has a lovely music blog. before he was married he worked his tail off to get a CD put together. i think he did a great job. my kids love this zoo song. GO HERE to hear for yourself. {just click on number 3}

{never break} is one he wrote for hella and i cry every time i hear it.
{one hope} is little bud "e"s star wars song.

do you know this guy? he just wrote brother a very sweet email letting him know how superb he thought his song writing is and invited him to open a show in the spring. i'll keep you posted....

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

wanted: a pen pal for...

this cutie petutie

because, the tooth fairy,ahem, pictured below,

received this love letter from her tonight under her pillow :

dear tooth fairy,

what is your address? are you a boy or girl? will you be my pen pal?
love, "winds of love"

the above pictured fairy responded with the following:

dear "winds of love",

you are loosing these so fast! wow! be careful eating, it is getting more tricky. i am a girl fairy. we don't have mail in fairy land, we just have magical bells that ring messages we understand. i would love to find you a pen pal though. i will leave the name under your pillow tomorrow night.
the tooth fairy

i am hoping someone can help us out? i remember having a pen pal in the 4th, maybe 5th grade. it was wonderful. i want for her and she apparently wants too.

a girl is our only term......

late night ramblings....

this one is for you brother....

although far away, my children beg to see you and your new bride.

why, just last night my little hella was up to her fantastic torture tactics kick boxing mine and s.mac's head at 3:30 A.M.

while drifting in and out of sleep, i was startled to hear her say in her sleep:

"camn, toys, funny, camn, toy, ella, funny." she was giggling in her sleep, over and over.

alternating the above mentioned words repeatedly. it all made sense at that point. s.mac and my heads were the object of this funny dream, the toys she was playing with you, how delightful.

please come soon, replace this kick boxing memory with another more peaceful one.....