Monday, April 29, 2013

looking for miracles

i'm in charge. usually.  i coordinate, i plan, i write lists, and more lists, i make meal plans, cleaning plans, dish out jobs that need to be done, carpool, and on and on.  i am in charge of a lot of things to keep my little household running. in the midst of the bustle, i take more credit than i should about being in charge. i feel like i have had a few reminders about being in charge that have really helped me.

the last month has put some hair on my chest and some contributors are strep throat, stomach flu, emergent surgery for easton for a hernia repair, a trip to the hospital twice to rule out appendicitis for easton, my ever abounding female hormonal problems (last months PMS episode mimicked a blood clot in my calf, the list of things that happen before i cycle is unreal and gets stranger every month. i have never ever looked forward to a monthly visit so much to relieve the craziness, the symptoms dissipate within hours of cycling. TMI, i know), and little easton who just can't get over a stomach bug (we are on day 9 and under a doctors watchful eye and a trip to the hospital).

i had my breakdown yesterday. i was headed to church and had some responsibilities there that called for a list of organization and cooperation. the list didn't include easton taking a bad turn as we were trying to get there on time. i had to call the doctor again, go over symptoms and protocol and what to look for. scott ended up getting someone to cover for him so he could take him up to the hospital. my tears started as i pulled up to the church house 10 minutes late and realized i only had one side of my face with make up on it and my dress wasn't ironed. my hair was neglected because of the turn of events and i broke.  the bishop was the first person i saw and immediately asked how easton was.  the dam broke. snot flying, mascara running down one side of my ugly crying face, the sobbing. the hall was filled with people looking at the spectacle. i have never done that in public before. i was absolutely mortified. everyone bustled around me to take over so i could go to the hospital with easton. but, i couldn't go.  i had to go home and cry for two hours. i was filled with fear and panic to say the least. i was also not feeling up to par as i had spent friday night throwing up all night and dealing with an incurable yeast infection i have had since christmas. it was one of those soul searching moments. i had to dig deep and find where my peace was going to come from.  i remembered this talk i had heard by chance as the channel was on BYU tv one morning and kept repeating to myself, don't shrink. don't shrink. and then the desperation of how do i not shrink? my son is in peril, his eyes are sunken, there is nothing i can do for him. it seems there is no end, no break in his pain and misery. there is no meal i can cook, no service i can do for him. my body is sub par and compromised and i feel insufficient right now, not shrinking seems impossible. i wanted desperately to give into that fear. then i had the feeling to listen to this talk from a few weeks ago. it was such a moment of clarity when i felt like someone was right there telling me what to do. i had to ask for a humble heart to realize that i needed to borrow some faith.  i had let the fear consume me to the point that i couldn't see an end to the monotony of the affliction. i repeated over in my heart, i do believe but please help my unbelief. i had to realize that my faith was short. i had gone thru this onslaught without relying on my faith, therefore missing the miracles.  everyday there are miracles and there is hope.  this being in charge business is tricky to balance faith sometimes.  i puff with pride and take credit for things that i should be looking up for with gratitude.

i had to sit in my bed with closed eyes and remember the things i do know. and then i recalled the miracles i have been missing. i was filled with just enough hope to press forward.

being aware of miracles i was so filled today when i went to a dental appointment with rowan.  i had noticed a few spots on his front teeth on the back that did not look good. i made an appointment for this morning and sure enough his thin enamel had broken thru and we were missing some spots obviously on the back teeth when we were brushing.  that little boy let the dentist use the drill without any numbing medication and fill the bad spots.  he sat completely still for 45 minutes while he drilled, poked, and filled.  i was overwhelmed by that little miracle. it saved us a trip to the surgical center. rowan didn't flinch once. as we were leaving dr ryan's office with a fistful of treasures, that cherub looked up at me and said, momma, that was fun, can we do it again? it was just the miracle i was in need of.