Thursday, January 7, 2016


it's all coming out here. so many months of building up and thoughts. they are begging to be here. it's accountability and it's so therapeutic.

if i would have known how wonderful the aging mind and heart are i would have wished my whole life to be in my 36th year. honest. but mostly, if i would have known in the years before this one how necessary the belief in the separation in our spirits and bodies are, i would have fared my twenties with much less bruising.

things that are so good right now.

my relationships with my people. scott. grayce. easton. ella. rowan. golde.

i feel so connected and so in tune with them. i feel like we are all working together and going forward. we aren't in life's boat with someone hanging out wanting to stop. there are no leaks, we are afloat and we are loving the ride.

i have tried so hard to receive fully the gift of this baby. her spirit with us here, physically, has added something to us. it has changed me. it has given me priority and perspective that is nothing short of heaven's windows pouring straight to my spirit. all those hard rough places feel so right. it's not because she is soft and quiet and easy. its not because being tired is my strongest quality or the easiest on a marriage.  it's because i acted on this teeny tiny particle of faith. and i didn't try to change my husband's mind about our family's size. i surrendered. i stopped worrying. i asked with all the faith i have ever accumulated that if this is what our plan is that all the things will line up. that all the hearts will be soft.

and he knew i needed that attitude for this baby. i could not have appreciated a golde in my twenties. this girl.

she is loud.

she does not like sleep.

and she loves 3 people enough to allow them to hold her. they are as follows: me, my sister, grayce.

unfortunately this list doesn't include her father. or her grandma's or grandpa's. or her brothers.

back ups are my friends angela, rachel, and taleese.

her mornings are spent not sleeping and making loud animal noises. her nights are spent staying up until every last person has gone to bed. it's like she is so plugged into the energy of this house she just can't miss one second.

and i am the happiest i have ever been, ever. that's the gift part.

it's like having her here gives me constant perspective because i see how quickly it goes. screaming all day? no problem, grayce and ella will be home soon to take over loving and adoring her. poop coming out her backside? bonus bath which includes more time to take in her majestic thighs! i have come to see there are worse things in life than these small inconveniences. i know i will blink and she will be packing those bags and leaving us for grand adventures leaving only these memories in her wake.

every year i come up with what the theme was, what i was able to focus on or what came up the most. my 2015 theme was a healthy mind. i have never learned more about the importance of a healthy mind. there has been a lot of therapy this year to help this little family work better. little glitches that felt like i was above my head and heart and capacity. someone referred to me recently as a downer, it was done lovingly and with good intent. i immediately texted my most treasured friend and asked for honesty. she responded that i am a spiritual person and a thinker. maybe these can be confused. i feel a lot of things, like so much. like my heart and head have so many feelings. so many. and at night, it takes a lot to go to sleep because i have so many ideas and concepts and it has taken copious amounts of discipline to turn it off. hence why therapy has been so helpful for me and my little family. i have come to see how my weaknesses affect everyone around me. we all fall short. therapy has helped me see how to better adjust myself to situations that really overwhelm me. i struggle with OCD. my thoughts become so focused and i really have to work to recognize that and tell myself to stop. i have struggled with depression thru the years and holding all the sad things inside is no good. no good. when i eat a high sugar, high carb diet i get extreme bursts of energy that cause severe crashes. that is not fun to think about but being real about it and not holding on to it is vital. i have to do everything i can to keep my mind healthy and happy! mostly, i have to remember my spirit is not my body. they require two different kinds of care. i am not tied to the limitations of my body. yes, it's crappy that i have malfunctions with my physical body but when i forget about my spirit and am not so gentle with the thoughts my mind tells my spirit, i will experience sadness. sometimes all consuming.

the things i have put in place to combat my weaknesses.

cleaners. i actually love to clean. so much that it's a problem. i have a hard time separating pick up and surface cleaning. by cutting back on certain things we are able to have help twice a month. my kids do know how to deep clean and pick up, not perfectly. wherein lies where i get overwhelmed and my OCD takes over. it is not worth being overwhelmed and compromising my relationship with my people over how shiny a toilet is but my limitations always surface and it can become an issue over time. cleaning help allows me to be on top of dejunking and pick up without being constantly burdened and overwhelmed.

love. time and time again i have come to the conclusion of the importance of our hearts. they are directly tied to our spirits. when i am overwhelmed with the shuffle of 5 kids, household duties, financial duties, yard work, menu planning, and on and on i tend to let my heart be hard and impenetrable. i don't want to be like that. i don't want to compromise my relationships over the thick of thin things. i am not a yeller but when i get overwhelmed i get sad. when i am sad i pull back and hold back contributing to those vital relationships. that's not okay. love always wins. if i can remember to have a sincere heart always i can keep the important things in the right order.

friends. i have come to the painful/sweet/valuable lesson that friends are the bonus of life. they are not the staple of life, they are not the mainstay of life. they are the dessert menu to a complete meal, they are the august of life - the sweetest berry summer has to offer. in observing women and friendships thru the years i find that the most conflict occurs when friendships are held to main course standards. friendships become the most prized treasures when they are treated as that bonus they were meant to be. i have been the receiver of the most delicious desserts this year. i hold my friendships high and close and i have been so rewarded this year and feel lucky to add another layer to all my desserts.

so here's to 2016. a new year. a new chapter and a chance to be more.