Saturday, May 22, 2010

onions and layers

i have come to some firm conclusions with this pregnancy. some of them have to do with the shrek analogy of onions and peeling things away, don't judge me for my shallow comparison. i am a mother.

i have decided that not only is this condition for bringing little people into the world, but also to expose our weaknesses. i fly along in life (unpregnant life that is) and think i have a handle on things. go to church - check, say no to road rage - check, check, don't eat ice cream EVERYDAY - check. you know. kids grow up, diapers leave your house, and sometimes company can come over unexpectedly and the toilet shows no sign of small boys with an inexperienced aim. life seems to be under control. and then i get this opportunity to house and sprout a little person and as much happiness as it brings, i am brought to my knees as my weaknesses become exposed in this fragile state. suddenly things get under my skin that i have learned to manage and be okay with for years. i feel the need to pick things apart and spew negativity like a hot new fashion trend. i have gone back and forth with myself the past month, longing for the tolerant patient person that will emerge. struggling with piddly things that 4 year olds learn to reject.

in all of this crazy, i realize it is my chance not to ignore or excuse because this will be over in 22 weeks, but to work on. the things i thought i was concrete with seem crumbly. sigh. i am glad for good people that surround me. like my husband for instance. his nice button is always on and for some reason instead of acting crazy right back to me, he just finds his super duper nice button to turn on. usually that means doing the laundry and dishes, and just being super, really nice to me. kind, loving and tender. i can see thru my foggy glasses that i should reciprocate but the desire leaves all too quickly. he wears a suit of armour in my eyes.

this weekend we had a family wedding. the last of the boys on my husbands side roped another gal. i had my wonderful sisters in law in from the east coast in town and we all got to talk about these nice husbands we have. one husband fetched a microwave to warm a cookie for his bride while another chased kids on trains so chatting could ensue. we are all a little worried about mac boy number 4, he shoved cake in his brides face tonight and that encouraged boos from the audience. the last and only mac boy to think of such a thing, i can see there might be a boot camp of sisters in law involved here, heaven help him;) three older brothers have set a high bar for him and his treatment of his bride.

so, while my layers continue to be exposed and worked on, how grateful my heart is for good people that surround me and hold firm in their steady ground. it helps me want to be better and fix my exposed stinky layers.........

Friday, May 21, 2010


my darling 3 year old has given me some wonderful stories to tell lately, and i do love telling a great animated story. really, i don't love living thru them, but retelling them seems therapeutic to me.

ella has a routine in the mornings lately. she has been sleeping in until about 9 everyday. i attribute this to my neglectful parenting skills that have fallen off the face of the planet. with the older two 6:45 came around and they were bathed, fed and jammied up for the night dozing off by 7. now easton, he is in bed at 8:30 and to sleep at 8:31, that's how he rolls. the girls share a room and although in bed at 8:30 share giggle fits and songs for a while. see, parenting skills off the face of the planet. i let them. they have so much fun but it does necessitate a sleeping 3 year old in the morning. now because of the aforementioned activities, it is usually a hella greeting in the morning. she comes to the top of the stairs and yells, "don't say good morning ella, you can say hello ella when i get to the bottom of the stairs." i calmly agree. she scoots on her hind quarters down the stairs as she is sporting a bladder like a 100 year old savings account. at the bottom of the stairs i greet her saying hello ella. she then yells that she does not need to go pee. i then disagree and pick her up and put her on the toilet. she screams and cries and little dribbles come out during the spurts of emotion until it is all out. i pick her back up and she gives her specific orders for breakfast. peanut butter toast with the CRUST CUT OFF, cereal and milk.

the other day we found ourselves the recipients of some left over apple juice from a church function. the man brought it home thinking he was doing me a favor. it entirely switched the breakfast orders once that hella knew it was on the premises. instead of the usual milk she was demanding juice. i gave her two small glasses and at the third request i politely declined and offered milk or water (the usual choices at our house). for ten minutes she refused with a loud voice and many tears. i have learned thru the years that she has anger that sometimes needs to get out. my coddling and talking only prolong the anger and aggravate the situation. so for ten minutes i let her ball up her fists and let this pent up frustration flow out and up. i then went over and reiterated my offer of milk or water. she again refused and started screaming, "if you don't give me more apple juice, i will, will ........ EAT YOU!" i then explained that i am a rather large woman and i would be very heavy to carry around for her whole life. she would only be able to sit and so on and so on. after listening to my protesting she balled those fists up and screamed "for my whole life, arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!" after 5 minutes of lamenting she accepted some milk and the day started.

when realizing we would be adding another one into the mix, i realized 4 years would separate my ella and this baby. i reveal to you that ella has needed everyone of those 4 years without interruption. it is who she is. it is getting better as crazy as those stories are.

while talk swirls of a new baby and what things we will get to do with a new baby, ella asked the other day if when the new baby comes she could be the recipient of new underpants. i concurred that this would be fine adding that usually big sisters request a new baby doll of their own. she declined saying she wants the baby to know she is a big girl. so underpants it is. although her train of thought has been turned to undies lately. the other day we were laying in an afternoon quiet time in my bed talking about who she looked like. i revealed to her that her grandma janet had those same chubby cheeks and their baby and toddler pictures are very similar. she then asked if grandma got wedgies when she was her age. she insisted on calling grandma that very instant to ask her if wedgies were indeed present when she was growing up. grandma confirmed and ella was thrilled. maybe all this underpants talk is trying to tell me that cute squishy bottom has outgrown her princess under attire.

just a thought.....

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


well, you know we are full of the stuff at this house. i mean, last year for the second grade talent show, grayce wrote a song in duck and then sang it. her teacher asked for the interpretation and she sang the most beautiful song in wonderful pitch about ducks. she has the most fantastical duck sound and it only makes sense that you would write a song in duck at age 7. well this year we find ourselves with yet another talent show upon us.

we decided that waiting until the sixth grade to do something like THIS would be more appropriate. i mean, we wouldn't want to up greyson at age 12. (seriously this is amazing)

yearly our little church organization hosts a talent show for the kids ages 3-11. this year i had 3 participants.

hella did: splits, stood on one foot, and skipped.
easton: handstand
grayce:played a musical harp her grandma gave her. (grandpa alan thought it would be funny to play around with the strings on christmas morning and untuned the whole thing. so we all knew she was playing "up on the housetop" in our hearts and had to plug our ears thru the off ness of the whole thing)

among other things at this talent show were a toddler throwing his stuffed animal into the air and magically catching it. running around the gymnasium at top speed. a rap. a dancer. and so on and so forth. it is the best show of the year.

keeping the latter show in mind i have let up on my dignity as the proud parent at these arenas and let my beloveds choose for themselves what their talents are. grayce wanted to sing bon jovi's living on a prayer this year. she has a great voice but the logistics of finding music without words and having a room full of other 3 graders appreciate the whole thing is on an entirely different level. last year she wanted to sing "you spin right round baby right round" and wondered if her conservative grandmother could find the sheet music to that and accompany her on the piano. now before you judge me please know that auntie paige and uncle kyle are in the prime of the teenage years at 14 and 15 and this song seeped in thru their influence. i don't listen to spin me right round baby right round. after i heard the spinning right round baby lyrics i quickly encouraged her to explore a different avenue finding ourselves at the duck song.

so this year.....

she will lip sync to bon jovi's "living on a prayer" or is it "loving on a prayer", i'm so 15 years ago, i don't know? now she will lip sync with her chin appearing as the face. you know where your mouth is upside down and all. what? you never did that with friends growing up? shame on you. do it tonight. pretend your chin is a little head and laugh yourself silly over your silly looking teeth when you talk upside down so to speak. we will draw a little face on her chin and all. now this is my idea, and after asking and calling multiple friends to join in on the task, she still stands alone in this quest for a talent show partner. maybe this will be awful. who knows, but i do know that she is grayce. she can pull anything off, it just comes naturally.

might i tell you what happened a couple of weeks ago when she saw jon bon jovi sing live? she didn't know that grandpas could sing like that and she was horrified. i told her he was her grandparents age and she was quite sure there should be a limit on who can sing songs like "living on a prayer" because she was devastated! i giggled into oblivion.

i will be sure to give a full report about the whole chin lip sync. stay tuned.

P.S. uncle kyle and auntie paige called within minutes of this post denying any wrong doing. an interview was held and it was determined the love of spinning right round baby was discovered at a friends house......

Thursday, May 13, 2010

our simple life

i was contemplating the other day as i repeated the phrase over and over, "so and so is welcome to come over and play, we are home all evening." we are home a lot. the red head has his fair share of meetings and other various duties, but more often than not, home we be.

i love dinner at 5:30 in the dining room. the formal dining room is one of our most used rooms. just off the kitchen and the first room off our entry. homework, art, craft, dinner, paper reading. we were originally planning to use that space as a office, but since neither myself or the man is very fond of electronics or paper work, we decided that it was best served as a formal dining. now there is nary a decoration in that room, but time is on my side. i figure one of these days my nesting will kick in and suddenly my empty house will suddenly sport decor. he he he. we just barely had blinds put up, after all, we are surrounded by alfalfa and horses, we weren't too worried about anything peeping on us. a couple of nights i have submerged myself into the gilmore's seasons 1-4 (because it is garbage after that)late into the night and i see the deer peer thru the window or the neighborhood jack rabbit hop along. i love love love our lot. the views are unmatched and maybe that is why i have no hurry to gussy up the inside.

one thing i have discovered is that i am going to have to work really hard to make this place "cozy". if i had it to do over again, down size i would. i don't think we went overboard with square footage and our payment meets dave ramsey's guidelines, but. maybe it is the fact that we have only ever known cozy surroundings and already i have plans for a downsized home in ten years. the red head will only comply if the house is paid off, so i am working hard at that! we never ever use our bonus room over the garage that everyone told us was absolutely necessary to the salvation of parents! ever. our kids have never had the luxury of separate bedrooms (although the gals share) and i think that is enough for them and their play spaces. we are congregaters of the family room and bedrooms for play. so all the heartburn about getting that extra toy room done, bleh. i would probably have been happy with half our house and the unfinished basement will probably always stay that way. the honest truth comes out in the fact that i hate cleaning that much. boo. we had a master bathroom and a kids bathroom put upstairs and a small half on the main. i love that half bath, but the kids bath never gets used. so silly i know. we got used to making due with what we had for so long that now it is how we live. oddities living in this house you know.

one day i will pepper this blog with pictures of decor and perfect paint color in every room, but as that has yet to happen, don't hold your breath until it does!

Monday, May 3, 2010

fertile pastures

i have been captivated by this national infertility awareness month something or other that has all the bloggers a buzz. once, i found a site that celebrated silly things and sent out cards to your friends for you. say for instance you found it necessary to celebrate ohio's cow patty month. well, this handy little site sent out fun cow patty cards to all your loved ones marking the date. okay, so my tongue is in my cheek for a minute here. seems a little cruel to bring awareness to someone infertile, right?

i have refrained from writing anything too deep lately because my hormonal condition would lead one to believe i am bi polar and loony. oh, wait....... seriously. there are times i want to yell to the world, did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast? and then in the next hour i am crying at some beautiful complexity my mind has been opened too. i have been miserable this time around. week fifteen and i am waiting for a light to shine. it will come i know. sundays are a mess for me, i can't stop crying one week and the next i think my ward is ready to apostatize because there was absolutely no spirituality in the building. bipolar. my poor husband. poor poor red head. i say mean things and i really mean them, i don't feel bad about being critical about his chewing, breathing, smells, grass laying. nothin. i hope we make it out in tact. most days my tongue is bloody from biting so hard. so there you have it, the update.

so, infertility.

you know the drill. age 16 the open me up, find the dreaded beginnings of endometriosis. take it out and tell me that i might want to think about a teen pregnancy;). my doctor really said that and i love him for it. i was thrown on every experimental and aggressive drug out there to hold me at bay until i found love and needed babies. we all crossed our fingers for years. grayce was a snap, i felt the burning desire and boom. there she was. little easton. well. we lamented, tried fertility drugs and fretted and stewed. i had had another surgery to cut out the gunk and try to get just one more here. just one more and i would be good. i was so into getting a baby here and doing it before time was up that i lost myself. i thought i was in control or something. finally, a positive test. whew. we did it, i kept thinking. when easton was 2 weeks old and i still couldn't walk (his head did me in) i got a call from someone telling me of a baby that needed adopting. would we? well, i'll be honest. at that point i realized i was just plain overwhelmed. mother to 2 will knock you upside the head a couple times and then spit you back out, especially when you are going at it alone. (aah, the schooling years) no way could we adopt a baby. i put the brakes on for a couple of years. i knew my sanity was at risk here.

a few days after that phone call one of my lovely friends stopped by bearing gifts and food to welcome the 9 pound head i delivered. she told me they had been trying for a year and knew there was a little one waiting. i tried to tell her all the things that could be wrong with her and what she needed to do. what medications to take, what sticks to buy, where to go....... she very calmly replied that she knew this baby would come on heavenly fathers time.
three years later, we caught up. still no baby. and she. still knew it was the lord's time, not hers. she had not one ounce of sadness. six years separate her baby girl and her next one. that baby came. and can you believe she loved every time she bowed to the porcelain god with a happy heart? i wish she knew how deep her faith has penetrated my heart. it's no secret it took us a bit to get this one here. i always fell back to her example, always. there was no rush on my part, no doubt this time. i have been feeling this little spirit since i was pregnant with ella. i knew this one was ours to have. i wish there was some magic way to impart to you what my mind has been opened to these past months. some way to tell you how my heart has grown everyday as i lay on the couch in physical peril contemplating faith. it is so personal and i am so incredibly glad this is my road to travel.

i am surrounded by good women in their thirties. can i just say entering the third decade of life does wonders for a woman and the surrounding friends. this thing called maturity really is under rated. i see myself in all the twenty something mom's scurrying around comparing strollers, fertility drugs, adoption routes and so on. such a hurry. and then there's kellie.we've been best friends since we were 12. there's a family relation involved to the tune that my uncle married her aunt and that has always sealed the deal for us. no way to fall out of contact. when we were 12 she was diagnosed with lupus. serious, chemotherapy for 8 years, lupus. when kellie gets sick, we all hold our breath and pray really hard. despite her incredible health challenge she has successfully completed a nursing degree and mothers the most beautiful boy. he and ella are five days apart and we both consider it a gift that we got to share motherhood simultaneously with such stark differences. a pregnancy to kellie would literally be life threatening. her lupus has invaded her skin, muscles and organs, primarily affecting her kidneys. she has always accepted her road to motherhood would be paved with someone else's sacrifice. she never rushed it, never laments and has never complained. ever. i wish i could tell you that in some deep conversation she has confided in me that her situation depresses her and she can't take one more step. but never. when i ask her what the hardest part about her situation is she responds by telling me that attending the adoption classes and seeing how bitter other couples are about their lot in having to be there. don't they understand this is their road to travel? that these babies are meant to come to them this way? this is how their family is to be gathered, be it one or six.
this kind of thinking is what my mind has been opened to these past few months as i have contemplated being the bearer of 4 babies. me, 4 babies. it's because this was my road to travel, mine. if mine had been the road of adoption or other means to motherhood, it would be just for me. maybe it is my deep belief that stems from a loving heavenly father aware of us. but kellie and mindy. they know all about their road and they have maturity and peace about it. i feel a heart full of gratitude to know ladies of this caliber. sounds trite but reaffirms that someone bigger knew i would need some patience in confirming my road to travel. because you see, this road of mine has been wonderful. my knees have been bent a lot these past few months wanting to understand what all this physical pain can help to teach me. i wish there were words enough to share. never ever have i been so grateful for this pregnancy induced colitis, as much as i curse it. it has humbled me to my core as i partake and travel.
so travel your road with maturity, patience and peace, bending your knees often because it's all yours, and the giver? he's one merciful heavenly father.......