on my way

i have issues with food. i love it, love it, i love it.

i do. but i also have discretion about it too. i have the desire to weigh myself everyday which proves daunting when you are on a mission to gain weight to accommodate a growing fetus. i have always weighed the same with each delivery. always. the only part i like about being pregnant in the summer, which i have done 4 times now, is that your summer eating is pretty healthy. with number 2 being born in december, i could definitely see how much harder it was to loose the weight after. it just stuck more. there was not a fest of summer fruits and vegetables during the most pound retaining part. no sir. it was full of turkey and christmas desires.

i feel nearly like a martyr with all the posts of indulgence on our vacation regarding food. but today when i went into the doctor's office. well, he had to "talk" to me about the large amount of weight i had gained the past month. i had gained almost as much this past month as i had the entire pregnancy. when i asked how much i had gained, he chuckled and told me 9 pounds.

9 fraggin pounds in one month. now, to my credit. 2 visits ago the scale boasted 6 pounds and he told me to watch it. last month 1 pound and they figured that their scales had been off. so this go around i promised him there was a vacation involved and i would eat watermelon the whole rest of the pregnancy and to check his scales. he reassured me that i was just fine and on track to gain my regular 30. but still. 9 pounds. i called scott up and told him to write me a note for a handi sticker, his wife was on her way to morbid obesity. my blood pressure was 120. 120. me. i am lucky to pull a 100. sometimes i would go in and it would be in the 90's. so 120 for me was as good as a stroke. let's pick out the casket already.

now these thoughts may seem incredibly irrational to any one's eyes reading this. but my phobia has been discovered. i have an intense fear of gaining weight. i have been there. i dieted all thru high school and beyond. there is no worse way to live that knowing you need to loose weight. really. for me the worry of what health problems i will have from gaining weight are enough to put my husband in the loony bin. like all afternoon, i have told him that i am sure i am one ice cream scoop away from diabetes, one dessert away from a stroke, one night away from severe sleep apnea. he is glad he is working late tonight, that can be sure.

the poor doctor. i told him he gave me a hot flash with the news and at first he laughed until he saw the tears in my eyes and my beet red face. he thought i was joking. he spent the rest of the time reassuring me that i am just fine, not to worry. 20 pounds of weight gain by 29 weeks is normal and regular, just don't do it again kind of thing. i told him i was fine with 20 pounds, but 9 of it in one month. oh lawsy. my blood pressure is spiking retelling the tale......

day two

day two was jam packed. we were like two desert travelers soaking up our seattle time. we started out right at sweet iron waffles. they claim the best leige waffle in the country. guess what? they're right. i had heard review after review of nothing but bravo from this little place. each reviewer swore they were in europe. the concept of these waffles is a batter that is raised and in the waffle maker there are sugar crystals that form the most beautiful crust of sweetness around these babies. they are worth the trip alone. right down town, a few blocks up from pikes market.
scotty had the brie with fresh basil. he was in heaven and would talk about it everyday. i opted for the bacon and pure maple syrup. it was absolutely divine. i can't say enough about these waffles. we also felt really lucky because there were only two people there. we heard these kids comment that this was the first time the line wasn't out the door. 3 tables and a maximum occupancy of 12 made me very glad we beat the crowd.
snoqualmie falls was next. i loved the drive thru the mercer island tunnel, thru issaquah and into this scenic falls area. it was so stupendous. really, really lovely. it was a balmy 70 degrees and not a cloud in the sky.

after our hike around the falls we drove around mercer island. i don't know what draws me to this place. it is busy and crowded, but offers some charm that has me captivated. just off downtown and before the eastern side. we spotted this little teeny sign that touted a public beach. scott missed the road because it was so small. we found the parking lot with another downward hike. i geared up for this steep trail and was rewarded with this.
the coolest beach. they have sectioned off for public use with these cool docks and even have lifeguards. it was so famous as ella would say. anything wonderful to her gets claimed as famous, except she can't say f so she says samous. melt me. we sat for a while, taking in the amazing weather and the beautiful water view.

after the falls and the beach, our waffles were long gone and left our bellies begging for more, more, more. this little cafe was the hook to get me on this trip. we loved this place on our honeymoon 10 years ago. we kept speculating about the quality and if ten years ago our tastes might have changed. we were a little off on the distance and were ravenous hungry by the time we got there. it was up the I5 north and at the bottom of chuckanut drive. i had forgotten the funky vibe but not the chocolate ice cream. we were thrilled again to have the place to ourselves. i guess vacation appetites made for no crowds for us, eating at odd times.

we got so lucky as to be at the Rhodie cafe during their celebration of the islands. scott went with pan fried oysters while i ventured out for the shrimp, crab island cakes. they were full of coconut, mango and tender sections of sweet shrimp and buttery crab. it was pure indulgence. and then....

it was time for dessert. we chose the cooked butter and sugar bananas with their chocolate ice cream. normally this lovely dessert is served with vanilla, but i twisted their arm. and oh, was it worth the twist. the cocoa flavor is so intense, i can't even say the ice cream is cold. it essentially captivates what semi cold fudge would be like. it was 10 minutes of pure, sweet indulgence and a memory to make me happy to be alive, seriously.

the rhodie cafe is at the bottom of chuckanut drive which overlooks the san juan islands. it is the most healing drive. it will wipe away any hurt from your past. no joke. for half of it you are surrounded by mass trees, hugging you like a blanket.
the other part of the drive gives you glimpses of the water dotted with small islands.

and then, there are small pull offs with campgrounds and fishing spots. it was why we applied for a job in the town. really, the rhodie and chuckanut. we did it all for them.......pathetic? i just know what i love.
we ended the evening by taking a stroll along the bellingham bay boardwalk.

it was a fantastic day. it was as much fun retelling it too!!! i forget that relishing the vacation is as much fun as being there, well maybe......

day numero uno in seattle

it came and went. the big trip. 8 days. what can i say. we hadn't been on a real vacation since our honey moon to seattle 10 years ago. we are so lame. we talked the whole time about our practicality. sigh. and how i am a homebody. i don't love being hot, so beach excursions are out. seeing how i am married to a red head, he whole heartidly agrees that beaches won't be our venue. but we haven't ever been so we can't knock it. i guess i am trying to say that seattle at 60-75 degrees was perfect for us.


day one was filled. i mean filled. driving. eating. eating.

the first sign of our vacation that indicated it was going to be good was being greeted by mt. rainier. i went on many business trips to seattle in my single days. the weather is a hot topic, also a hot topic, if you can or cannot see the ghostly volcano. guess what we saw everyday? not a cloud in sight for the first 5 days.

the above picture was taken from a little pull out in magnolia park. we weren't sure what to expect when we pulled up in this upscale neighborhood. we saw the park and didn't realize it was for parking and enjoying the view from your car. when we arrived there was only one other car there and the occupants of that car emerged from a staircase. we naturally thought that at the bottom of this staircase, there would be a dramatic view. on we plunged. 140 steps later, it was nothing but a private residential road. i was steadily contracting by the time we reached the bottom of the stairs. on the way up, i was doing the breathing of intense labor. it set the precedent for the trip. steps everywhere and contractions to match. i was up to 40-50 contractions a day, trying to keep a smile on my face and out of the hospital.

so, i turned to food for this trip as my happy place since getting anywhere seemed to be a challenge.

i did my research on the food, the scale doesn't lie either. it was a sad state of affairs after i weighed in this morning. sigh, sigh, scream. i have never gained that much weight on a trip. oh well. scotty even ran every morning along the shore and still gained almost as much as my vegetative self. so there.


the first day we sought out salumi. mario batali opened this one up. actually, we heard all kinds of locals contradict this. many say it is his parents that run it. regardless, his name is tied to this place.


the concept it meat. pig meat. on a sandwich, by the slice or by the pound. fresh mozzarella and other exotic cheeses. pasta, soup. it came highly recommended by every food critic i stumbled across. it didn't disappoint..


this was my dish of pasta with fresh basil and cherry tomatoes with a little balsamic and olive oil. it was so incredibly fresh and light. i loved it. below is scotty fully taken and smitten with his lomo sandwich. i mean smitten. it was all he could talk about the rest of the time.

the place is crazy wild. it is this hallway with a smashed in sandwich bar. after the register there is one table, family style. sit down, eat with locals and visitors alike. they have glasses for water and silverware in vintage anchovy crates. super cool. we opted to visit at 3 and 3:30 ( we went twice) and still had to wait in line 20 minutes. it is a hot spot, and i feel lucky to have eaten there. the hours are tuesday to friday 11-4. must go in seattle.

the rest of the day was spent enjoying the beautiful coast line. we were able to see incredible mountain ranges all around us. i didn't even know they existed because every time i had been there previous, they were hidden in the cloudy ocean mist.

we also partook in a greek place that isn't worthy of a review even though it came highly recommended. the roasted lamb sandwich was good, but nothing compared to salumi. also, the day of arrival, we checked into our hotel. i am a realist. truth be told. it stunk. literally and figuratively. it was right next to the housing authority of seattle. it was one with a kitchenette which is a great concept until the asian family showed up with 3 coolers full of food. every night the smell put me into tears. the bed was so hard after just a few minutes our behinds or sides would be numb. it was awful. really. my poor husband took full blame even though it was a joint decision about the hotel, we had no idea. we wanted to be close to the city without paying the price. boo. it was a good thing we had a bed and breakfast to look forward to in a couple of days.

ninety two

last week in my 3 hour mormon block of worship, a question was posed to the class as to a creation that testified of a god. you see, we were studying psalms, and so poetic and beautiful were the words, that the question was given to us as to what stirs our hearts and testifies. you can imagine the varied answers as many members of the class have grown up in different parts of the country. we heard beauty described in fireflies and swamps, mountains and red rock. one man made the comment that a newborn baby and the miraculous components of creation testify to him that certainly, for those few precious moments that heaven touches earth to bring this baby here, can reassure any human being that there is a god.





his sweet perspective stirred my thoughts to this lovely woman. as sweet as any baby coming to this earth, surely the latter years of a life well lived bring about the same emotions.

i was overcome with her beauty. the beauty of a life that leaves a wrinkle or two. the beauty of an evening spent with her, chatting in her backyard on a lawn chair, her wisdom overflowing. or perhaps a meal shared with her and her appreciation of the effort and taste as only one who has prepared her share of meals in 92 years can do. the wisdom of a life accumulated with trial and heartache and also the beauty of resilience and persistence to carry on. her face represents to me an unwavering belief that jesus is the christ, that god surrounds us, and that life is beautiful.

so, i declared that sabbath day that helen c. was my favorite creation. every day of her 92 year accumulation here on earth offers to me the beauty of a sunrise in the face of bounteous blessings and also the calm a sunset offers thru life's struggles. to her on this, her day of birth, i offer my heartfelt praise of 92 years well lived. my grateful heart for citizenship in a country that i love that wouldn't be possible if she hadn't had the strength to leave her country as a young woman to discover a new chapter and a new life. a life that proves that everything is as it should be.

i have immense hope in the face of life's ever abounding twists and turns that everything will be okay with the stalwart anchors she passes to each of us, her posterity, thru every trial prayerfully complete. how blessed i am to be able to claim her, my favorite creation. happy birthday grandma helen. to you i owe thanks to yet another precept and line added to my deep conviction of a loving father's creations.

his jobs are done

at the first trimester the house had to go on a little vacation. my attention to it became only the observation of the collecting dust and dishes. the sickness of that first few months overtook function a housewife performs. take out became a staple as touching food made me ill. scotty tried to fill in the blanks of my misery but we were falling apart. i tend to get blue and down when routine is abandoned and i can assure you that there was some blue around here. as soon as 18, 19 weeks ensued the light started to shine down. i could eat without hours of misery and the migraines were haulting. my signs that the ugh was over and the honeymooning phase was beginning. the not too big and feeling good part.

the second trimester has been met with other issues this time around. mostly, my body is worn out. the equipment is used and needs some tune ups apparently. a herniated disc, the S something or other joints (hips) are so bothered during pregnancy, and the split abdomen that was so apparent with the pumpkin belly shot.




that pumpkin apparently spilt my abs right down the middle, leaving a fist size gap. that apparently makes your back and hips hurt everyday when a new pumpkin is growing. scotty fixed me up with a brace to hold the pumpkin up, that helps but it leaves much to be desired in the fashion department. it is not something i can wear to the store, i just can't do it.

also on the list of no no's are bending and twisting, lifting of anything or even pulling. now, try to be a mother and house wife with that on your plate. i was determined i needed a housekeeper. alice sounds good to me, it worked for the brady's. but then the money phobia is brought into play. so, my nice husband stepped up and for the first time in his life took to scrubbing toilets. (insert gasp). it does help my cause that he helps repair herniated discs 4 days a week. he is well aware of the damage done from being a housewife with a pumpkin in tow. the laundry gets done and my floors get cleaned and steamed once a week. it has been incredibly hard. period. he already has a full time job.

the other day a friend called, wanting to see if we could accompany them to a local fireworks show. did we have anything going, were we busy? why no, in fact scott got all his jobs done last night and we are ready for a party. the receiving end of this conversation (a male) was quite giggly. i had to explain.

so, that is the situation at our house. my dear, sweet husband has realized the role his cleaning hands will play in the next few months until the egg has hatched and yes, i love him everyday for it....

10 years

yesterday we celebrated a 10 year milestone in the marriage department. it was very exciting. the milestone you know. big things for the ten year, right? no. not in my current state. i could've stayed home all day and enjoyed this phase of being a homebody, really. i am so laid back right now which is so unlike me. i usually dream of some culinary pleasure to go partake of on an occasion like this but with my blossoming middle my dreams usually come true on my own stomping grounds with all things familiar.

my kind husband has caught on to this and knew to take the day off and get a babysitter for the evening, not even daring to book a restaurant knowing my predicament. we ended up at our favorite japanese place and a movie. that seemed right. although my knee was bouncing thru the movie. something about vampires. i would've have much more enjoyed reading a good book for 2 hours, but it was in the name of celebration.

with all of the homebody{ness} in mind, my gift was quite crazy. number one, we are not gifters. we don't gift each other or really enjoy being gifted. it's crazy i know. now, i do love a thoughtful gift from a dear friend or family member. my last birthday was perfect and every gift given was spot on. this may make me sound ungrateful, i just have a money spending disorder. i hate spending money or money spent on me unless it is food. there, my darkest secrets revealed.

anyway, i woke early, and found the redhead showered and dressed with a note telling me to go to the computer downstairs. as i did, all kinds of thoughts cluttered my head. mostly, i was scolding him, reminding him of the gifting issue. he just smiled. i read a real fancy note from him and then read the part about going back to seattle for a week where we spent our honeymoon. the hook, line and sinker for me was how he asked me to join him at the Rhodie cafe on chuckanut drive. see, the food thing got me. this little cafe is other planet good. i can't even touch the beauty of being on the coast and eating at this place. it is heaven. and then the fact that i was trying to recall vacations we had taken in the past since our honeymoon. and i thought, yes. that one cruise, er well no. that one time we...... ugh. we did go to the wedding in milwaukee for 3 whole days and 2 nights, that was a first for us. so. the deal was sealed. i was in and i think scotty was as shocked as i was that i agreed, in my condition and all.

please don't be fooled into thinking we don't date each other or go on a yearly overnighter. we do, we do. we are great daters and are faithful to the once a year made possible by my parents christmas generosity. it is just the multiple day situation that gets me frenzied.

so in a few weeks, we will be northwest coast bound with kind grandmas picking up the slack at home. i am not taking any guilt into it either, it's pretty pathetic we haven't had a getaway since the honeymoon. i am fully aware that my growing middle will soon be a baby that will need me for a good 2 years. the no break, consume every ounce of you, two years. and, believe me, i am happy to oblige ;)

an unfortunate side effect

in the beginning of my pregnancy i was incredibly emotional which is highly unlike me. i am not a cry at the drop of a hat gal. there were two times i cried this pregnancy because my husband hurt my feelings, my husband. anyone who knows him is rolling their eyes right now because webster defined kind after they met him. i was constantly feeling the need to cry the first 4 months. i hated it. it felt incredibly out of control, and me. well, i like being in control.

the emotions of crying have left and this odd phenomenon has taken over. just to make me feel better, i have read that it happens to pregnant women, often times in labor. but whenever something happens that would normally cause someone real sensitive to cry, a laugh comes out of me that could give a 30 year chain smoker something to be jealous about. i mean, can't stop, dry heaving it hurts so much to laugh. it happens when a deep emotion is meant to be evoked in a bad situation and instead of my normal, not pregnant, panic and concern routine, i turn into a dry heaving laugher. the laugh is contagious, for i am a sight to behold. i've noticed that whenever it's happened, the one with me is also laughing, probably at my laugh. the circumstances are usually unfavorable and, oh dang, involve my husband.

chain smoker laughing fit number uno

i was piddling for the 1,257,344 time one day when a large crash was heard throughout the house. i came out sure that someone was dead at the bottom of the hardwood staircase to find my husband holding his arm and grabbing his bottom left cheek. he had fallen. from the top to the bottom and couldn't stop. in one second i was so glad someone wasn't dead, and then to see he was walking, that's when it started. i wanted to cry or lament, do something with the burst of emotion trapped inside but instead only the chain smoker laugh abounded. i knew it was inappropriate because he was rubbing his hind haunches and giving himself an ER evaluation. i could only hear snippets of an ulnar or was it radar something or other and the possible need for a cast, then he threw in hairline in reference to his arm, all the while rubbing his lower extremity. i was following him with my hand on his back, holding the giggles in, biting my lip.

after five minutes, it got to the unbearable point. all this emotion pent up, wanting to come out in a 20 minute chain smoker laugh. and that it did. spit was flying everywhere from holding it in so long and the tears. oh the tears, streaming down my face. streaming and then the dry heaving. it was painful the laughing was so intense. of course, this was such a site, my husband joined in laughing. pretty soon i was back in the bathroom, dry heaving thru the tears and laughter, all the while thinking stop, stop, stop. it hurts.

situation number 2

last night only a few short moments after scott (this is setting a bad precedent for who this happens to) set out on a nightly run, i got a call from someone we know telling me he was with scott and a dog bit his nose.

what the .....

okay. this man then asked if i could come and get scott.

well, okay.

he told me where they were and just as i was ready to load up and go retrieve the nose, i got another call from the same fellow. never mind, would you call scott's dad and have him pick scott up. he needs to go to a doctor. my sensitive pregnant self felt rejected by the demotion but the normal person knew he was trying to shield me from any hassle at 10:00 at night with three kids, 2 sleeping and one with a belly ache still up and biting at my ankles. all this emotion taken into consideration, the chain smoker came alive. i called his dad, trying to tell him in between the giggles and laughing what had happened. trying to apologize for the laughing and blaming it on the pregnancy, i was a mess. i couldn't stop the chain smoker in me. i had emotion, it had to get out. he should've disowned me right then.

a few minutes later it was determined the hospital's ER was needed as a few more assessed the situation. i then called my parents house to see if someone could come sit at my house while i accompanied the injury and my husband for support to the hospital. the problem was, my little sister answered the phone and the laughing was in full swing. i couldn't get it out, it took bouts and bouts of laughing, pinching and dry heaving to get it out. she was laughing so hard at my laughing that by the time she realized what had happened, she couldn't understand why i was laughing. the end of this fit was coming, i could tell, the dry heaving was about to begin. i told her i would call her right back.

meanwhile my husband came home to get insurance info and comfy clothes to sit the night out at the er waiting for his nose and forehead to be stitched back to normal. the fit was over and now only occasional dry heaving i was able to conceal. i was able to see that he still had a nose but that some dog had it out for him. he was going to be okay. i also still don't have the full story. i called his surgeon last night to let him know scott might not be at work due to this strange incident, he graciously excused scott from all surgical duties to heal from the whatever it was i didn't know about. i passed this along to my red head only to find him not in bed this morning. i was with the ankle biter belly ache last night late when he got home and didn't get any info in the passing. i tried telling this to the 3 concerned callers who dialed our digits before 9:00 am this morning, wanting status updates on the incident and injury. all i could offer was that i think there was a multi-level fusion on the docket today which could mean 6 hours or 9 hours of OR. maybe by dinner i will know how his nose got involved with a dog on his nightly run.

furniture and decor

so so glad i have taken part in patience waiting to furnish my house. this building stuff is so over rated, you need a year off afterwards. as we are coming upon our year mark of home steading here i have decided to get serious about decor. as in i am thinking about it and have loads of favorites marked. i want classic. i really don't want any part of any earth tone scheme. sorry, i am just so over the rocky mountain palette of browns, beige, and brown. i really think we need a color splash to take these rockies by their boots, every house looks the same. ramblers with earth tones inside and out. we can still be friends if you partake in this tho :).

so here mark a few of my favorites so far. give me 6 months and maybe you will see the finished product! ( i am counting on some serious nesting to kick in)

my red headed husband told me this rug was the last thing he would ever expect me to choose. but we have his grandpa's old green leather 1960 something chiropractic chair waiting for a small repair that would be killer with this rug. also, a great orange chair i love sits in my corner waiting for overstock to restock this baby.
maps are so fascinating to me, i loved this vinyl wall sticker. i am also excited to bring out my retro globes and hoping to accumulate a few cool maps to plaster on the wall. i found this one on etsy.com

brown leather, boo. i want this couch in green velvet. if you know where to find one, this is the most sought after piece i want. i have googled, catalogued and searched every store within a 30 minute range. no luck. the husband loves brown leather, he would buy this. maybe he will win. yellow, wouldn't yellow leather rock this with black stained wood finish? that last sentence just horrified my mother.

oh restoration hardware, you break my heart with your prices. i want this kensington model like i want nachos everyday. because nachos with medium temp cheese and slightly not crispy chips enter my mouth once a week, and when they don't, i dream of them. i blame it all on the baby, but really. i want this sofa in baby blue.

anthropologie. you steal my heart. your cranesbill wallpaper needs to be in my dining room. we need to partake in your beauty while we consume food. you will be coming to momma soon, don't worry.

ever since mrs. limestone introduced the two of us, i haven't been able to get you out of my mind. i love you allister sofa from z gallerie. and i love you mrs limestone. your blog teases my every designing dream. allister, you may be coming home with me. you have nearly booted the green velvet sofa that has permeated my dreams for 2 years now. oh how i wish you were green......

again z gallerie, the baby blue has wormed its way into my heart. you would be so perfect with the above mentioned rug, green retro chair, and orange chair.

by now you are thinking less of my because i want so many couches. truth is i have 3 sitting rooms and it's ridiculous. this house is too big for my taste. it was hard to guage quaint when we were building. utah doesn't know quaint, we just know big. boo. i want to tell you i hate the house payment and it's killing me. no. we guaged our payment just fine, at the end of the day i just have too much house. maybe once it is full of this pretty furniture, the house and i can be friends again. because i do love my kitchen. it makes me smile with every turn of the gas range and beep of the oven. anyway, there is the spread that bounces around in my crazy head everyday and night.

happy birthday!

ok, so, this is paige... a.k.a. heidi's favorite and only sister. what do you know, but that i just went to go sign into my blogger account and found that heidi is already signed in? and suddenly, the thought occured to me that i could let the whole blogging world know that it is heidi's birthday today!

heidi is the best sister anyone could ever have! there is a 16 year gap between us, and so we have a unique relationship. we don't fight over clothes {i am a few sizes bigger, anyway ;)} and we get along really well. i can go to her for advice, and she tells me what she would have done when she was my age. it is great.

heidi is an amazing mother, and her kids are terribly lucky to have her! this new little addition is anxiously awaited, and i think we are all excited, but heidi could not be any happier! she takes after our sweet grandma norma, and was meant to be a mother.

while i could say much much more about my amazing sister, i will end with this.... i love you heid, and i am so lucky to have you as a sister! i am so grateful that you are apart of our family... i wouldn't have it any other way!

love you sista!

love,
Paige

my birthday bliss

yesterday we sat in a dark ultrasound room as a family of 6 (one appearing on the screen). i have not been oblivious to the fact that we are now 6, but having the kids ooh and aah, well, that's golden.
we had an amazing tech who was incredibly thorough in her work and it helped the kids to see what we were looking at. what we were not looking at were the "privates" as they're known around these parts. number 4 has swept over me, the impatient mother, with the patience of job. patience is all i have with this pregnancy. instead of worrying and lamenting over possibilities, i have felt really peaceful. i have let myself at times get worked up about the delivery. yesterday my doc reassured me that the births get easier with more deliveries. i gave him "that look" and reminded him about the large cranium and the 25 pounds of amniotic fluid i birthed in numbers 2 and 3. i told him i would do the first birth over and over and over. 10 children over in fact. i would take the broken tail bone and the stitches from number 1 compared to the trauma and pain of numbers 2 and 3. he looked at me and said, we take it visit at a time here and in the delivery room, let's enjoy this.

well, i'll tell you what. once the measurements on the baby came in exactly as they should be, cranium included, i relaxed. this is my first baby to come in exactly on target with measurements, down to the day. #2's head was 3 weeks ahead of due date and a belly measurement to match. same story with the others. i have hope i might go full term and deliver something under ten pounds. it's incredibly calming to me.

so i sat in that dark room waiting for the consult from the dr to confirm things were fine. i thought about how i have been able to relish this #4 with patience and this incredibly absent feeling of panic. i have been able to feel this little spirit since we had our big ultra sound with ella. feel this patient person and know who this baby is. i relished this gift on the eve of my thirty first birthday in that dark ultra sound room. i had a birthday moment. that calm, reassurance that all is well and here and now is where i belong. this road i am on is mine to travel and that there are good things all around.

i would be lacking if i didn't mention the kindness extended to me this day by loved ones. the calls, texts and many well wishes all thrown at me. makes thirty one years seem pretty lovely and i can't wait for 32.

i would also be deficient if i didn't mention a husband who planned a night in the big city complete with events to make your head spin. the man, who once i told him all i wanted was green salsa and a banana split with mass amounts of pineapple reduction from sonora grill, cancelled all plans and accompanied me. our waiter was awesome, we sat in my favorite spot and they brought me 2 dishes of green salsa all for myself. the banana split was the prettiest i had ever seen there and i assure you i have seen a lot of them. perfect ratio of pineapple, banana and chocolate. the cream topping was the thickest i have ever had. i grabbed the night manager and told him it was the prettiest split i had ever seen. he assured me that i had the best maker that night. it was really simple things that all went incredibly well. even thou i was bored with the juliet letters movie, i loved smelling the nachos and thinking about the peach rings at the concessions all night. ( i was far too full of baby and food to indulge)

the notes from kids, flowers from redhead, and the kindnesses from lovely friends made for a fantastic day. i didn't even mention the brunch on the river that included a chili cream cheese egg burrito, see a perfect day.....thank you!

onions and layers

i have come to some firm conclusions with this pregnancy. some of them have to do with the shrek analogy of onions and peeling things away, don't judge me for my shallow comparison. i am a mother.

i have decided that not only is this condition for bringing little people into the world, but also to expose our weaknesses. i fly along in life (unpregnant life that is) and think i have a handle on things. go to church - check, say no to road rage - check, check, don't eat ice cream EVERYDAY - check. you know. kids grow up, diapers leave your house, and sometimes company can come over unexpectedly and the toilet shows no sign of small boys with an inexperienced aim. life seems to be under control. and then i get this opportunity to house and sprout a little person and as much happiness as it brings, i am brought to my knees as my weaknesses become exposed in this fragile state. suddenly things get under my skin that i have learned to manage and be okay with for years. i feel the need to pick things apart and spew negativity like a hot new fashion trend. i have gone back and forth with myself the past month, longing for the tolerant patient person that will emerge. struggling with piddly things that 4 year olds learn to reject.

in all of this crazy, i realize it is my chance not to ignore or excuse because this will be over in 22 weeks, but to work on. the things i thought i was concrete with seem crumbly. sigh. i am glad for good people that surround me. like my husband for instance. his nice button is always on and for some reason instead of acting crazy right back to me, he just finds his super duper nice button to turn on. usually that means doing the laundry and dishes, and just being super, really nice to me. kind, loving and tender. i can see thru my foggy glasses that i should reciprocate but the desire leaves all too quickly. he wears a suit of armour in my eyes.

this weekend we had a family wedding. the last of the boys on my husbands side roped another gal. i had my wonderful sisters in law in from the east coast in town and we all got to talk about these nice husbands we have. one husband fetched a microwave to warm a cookie for his bride while another chased kids on trains so chatting could ensue. we are all a little worried about mac boy number 4, he shoved cake in his brides face tonight and that encouraged boos from the audience. the last and only mac boy to think of such a thing, i can see there might be a boot camp of sisters in law involved here, heaven help him;) three older brothers have set a high bar for him and his treatment of his bride.

so, while my layers continue to be exposed and worked on, how grateful my heart is for good people that surround me and hold firm in their steady ground. it helps me want to be better and fix my exposed stinky layers.........

hellarama

my darling 3 year old has given me some wonderful stories to tell lately, and i do love telling a great animated story. really, i don't love living thru them, but retelling them seems therapeutic to me.

ella has a routine in the mornings lately. she has been sleeping in until about 9 everyday. i attribute this to my neglectful parenting skills that have fallen off the face of the planet. with the older two 6:45 came around and they were bathed, fed and jammied up for the night dozing off by 7. now easton, he is in bed at 8:30 and to sleep at 8:31, that's how he rolls. the girls share a room and although in bed at 8:30 share giggle fits and songs for a while. see, parenting skills off the face of the planet. i let them. they have so much fun but it does necessitate a sleeping 3 year old in the morning. now because of the aforementioned activities, it is usually a hella greeting in the morning. she comes to the top of the stairs and yells, "don't say good morning ella, you can say hello ella when i get to the bottom of the stairs." i calmly agree. she scoots on her hind quarters down the stairs as she is sporting a bladder like a 100 year old savings account. at the bottom of the stairs i greet her saying hello ella. she then yells that she does not need to go pee. i then disagree and pick her up and put her on the toilet. she screams and cries and little dribbles come out during the spurts of emotion until it is all out. i pick her back up and she gives her specific orders for breakfast. peanut butter toast with the CRUST CUT OFF, cereal and milk.

the other day we found ourselves the recipients of some left over apple juice from a church function. the man brought it home thinking he was doing me a favor. it entirely switched the breakfast orders once that hella knew it was on the premises. instead of the usual milk she was demanding juice. i gave her two small glasses and at the third request i politely declined and offered milk or water (the usual choices at our house). for ten minutes she refused with a loud voice and many tears. i have learned thru the years that she has anger that sometimes needs to get out. my coddling and talking only prolong the anger and aggravate the situation. so for ten minutes i let her ball up her fists and let this pent up frustration flow out and up. i then went over and reiterated my offer of milk or water. she again refused and started screaming, "if you don't give me more apple juice, i will, will ........ EAT YOU!" i then explained that i am a rather large woman and i would be very heavy to carry around for her whole life. she would only be able to sit and so on and so on. after listening to my protesting she balled those fists up and screamed "for my whole life, arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!" after 5 minutes of lamenting she accepted some milk and the day started.

when realizing we would be adding another one into the mix, i realized 4 years would separate my ella and this baby. i reveal to you that ella has needed everyone of those 4 years without interruption. it is who she is. it is getting better as crazy as those stories are.

while talk swirls of a new baby and what things we will get to do with a new baby, ella asked the other day if when the new baby comes she could be the recipient of new underpants. i concurred that this would be fine adding that usually big sisters request a new baby doll of their own. she declined saying she wants the baby to know she is a big girl. so underpants it is. although her train of thought has been turned to undies lately. the other day we were laying in an afternoon quiet time in my bed talking about who she looked like. i revealed to her that her grandma janet had those same chubby cheeks and their baby and toddler pictures are very similar. she then asked if grandma got wedgies when she was her age. she insisted on calling grandma that very instant to ask her if wedgies were indeed present when she was growing up. grandma confirmed and ella was thrilled. maybe all this underpants talk is trying to tell me that cute squishy bottom has outgrown her princess under attire.

just a thought.....

talent

well, you know we are full of the stuff at this house. i mean, last year for the second grade talent show, grayce wrote a song in duck and then sang it. her teacher asked for the interpretation and she sang the most beautiful song in wonderful pitch about ducks. she has the most fantastical duck sound and it only makes sense that you would write a song in duck at age 7. well this year we find ourselves with yet another talent show upon us.

we decided that waiting until the sixth grade to do something like THIS would be more appropriate. i mean, we wouldn't want to up greyson at age 12. (seriously this is amazing)

yearly our little church organization hosts a talent show for the kids ages 3-11. this year i had 3 participants.

hella did: splits, stood on one foot, and skipped.
easton: handstand
grayce:played a musical harp her grandma gave her. (grandpa alan thought it would be funny to play around with the strings on christmas morning and untuned the whole thing. so we all knew she was playing "up on the housetop" in our hearts and had to plug our ears thru the off ness of the whole thing)

among other things at this talent show were a toddler throwing his stuffed animal into the air and magically catching it. running around the gymnasium at top speed. a rap. a dancer. and so on and so forth. it is the best show of the year.

keeping the latter show in mind i have let up on my dignity as the proud parent at these arenas and let my beloveds choose for themselves what their talents are. grayce wanted to sing bon jovi's living on a prayer this year. she has a great voice but the logistics of finding music without words and having a room full of other 3 graders appreciate the whole thing is on an entirely different level. last year she wanted to sing "you spin right round baby right round" and wondered if her conservative grandmother could find the sheet music to that and accompany her on the piano. now before you judge me please know that auntie paige and uncle kyle are in the prime of the teenage years at 14 and 15 and this song seeped in thru their influence. i don't listen to spin me right round baby right round. after i heard the spinning right round baby lyrics i quickly encouraged her to explore a different avenue finding ourselves at the duck song.

so this year.....

she will lip sync to bon jovi's "living on a prayer" or is it "loving on a prayer", i'm so 15 years ago, i don't know? now she will lip sync with her chin appearing as the face. you know where your mouth is upside down and all. what? you never did that with friends growing up? shame on you. do it tonight. pretend your chin is a little head and laugh yourself silly over your silly looking teeth when you talk upside down so to speak. we will draw a little face on her chin and all. now this is my idea, and after asking and calling multiple friends to join in on the task, she still stands alone in this quest for a talent show partner. maybe this will be awful. who knows, but i do know that she is grayce. she can pull anything off, it just comes naturally.

might i tell you what happened a couple of weeks ago when she saw jon bon jovi sing live? she didn't know that grandpas could sing like that and she was horrified. i told her he was her grandparents age and she was quite sure there should be a limit on who can sing songs like "living on a prayer" because she was devastated! i giggled into oblivion.

i will be sure to give a full report about the whole chin lip sync. stay tuned.

P.S. uncle kyle and auntie paige called within minutes of this post denying any wrong doing. an interview was held and it was determined the love of spinning right round baby was discovered at a friends house......

our simple life

i was contemplating the other day as i repeated the phrase over and over, "so and so is welcome to come over and play, we are home all evening." we are home a lot. the red head has his fair share of meetings and other various duties, but more often than not, home we be.

i love dinner at 5:30 in the dining room. the formal dining room is one of our most used rooms. just off the kitchen and the first room off our entry. homework, art, craft, dinner, paper reading. we were originally planning to use that space as a office, but since neither myself or the man is very fond of electronics or paper work, we decided that it was best served as a formal dining. now there is nary a decoration in that room, but time is on my side. i figure one of these days my nesting will kick in and suddenly my empty house will suddenly sport decor. he he he. we just barely had blinds put up, after all, we are surrounded by alfalfa and horses, we weren't too worried about anything peeping on us. a couple of nights i have submerged myself into the gilmore's seasons 1-4 (because it is garbage after that)late into the night and i see the deer peer thru the window or the neighborhood jack rabbit hop along. i love love love our lot. the views are unmatched and maybe that is why i have no hurry to gussy up the inside.

one thing i have discovered is that i am going to have to work really hard to make this place "cozy". if i had it to do over again, down size i would. i don't think we went overboard with square footage and our payment meets dave ramsey's guidelines, but. maybe it is the fact that we have only ever known cozy surroundings and already i have plans for a downsized home in ten years. the red head will only comply if the house is paid off, so i am working hard at that! we never ever use our bonus room over the garage that everyone told us was absolutely necessary to the salvation of parents! ever. our kids have never had the luxury of separate bedrooms (although the gals share) and i think that is enough for them and their play spaces. we are congregaters of the family room and bedrooms for play. so all the heartburn about getting that extra toy room done, bleh. i would probably have been happy with half our house and the unfinished basement will probably always stay that way. the honest truth comes out in the fact that i hate cleaning that much. boo. we had a master bathroom and a kids bathroom put upstairs and a small half on the main. i love that half bath, but the kids bath never gets used. so silly i know. we got used to making due with what we had for so long that now it is how we live. oddities living in this house you know.

one day i will pepper this blog with pictures of decor and perfect paint color in every room, but as that has yet to happen, don't hold your breath until it does!

fertile pastures

i have been captivated by this national infertility awareness month something or other that has all the bloggers a buzz. once, i found a site that celebrated silly things and sent out cards to your friends for you. say for instance you found it necessary to celebrate ohio's cow patty month. well, this handy little site sent out fun cow patty cards to all your loved ones marking the date. okay, so my tongue is in my cheek for a minute here. seems a little cruel to bring awareness to someone infertile, right?

i have refrained from writing anything too deep lately because my hormonal condition would lead one to believe i am bi polar and loony. oh, wait....... seriously. there are times i want to yell to the world, did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast? and then in the next hour i am crying at some beautiful complexity my mind has been opened too. i have been miserable this time around. week fifteen and i am waiting for a light to shine. it will come i know. sundays are a mess for me, i can't stop crying one week and the next i think my ward is ready to apostatize because there was absolutely no spirituality in the building. bipolar. my poor husband. poor poor red head. i say mean things and i really mean them, i don't feel bad about being critical about his chewing, breathing, smells, grass laying. nothin. i hope we make it out in tact. most days my tongue is bloody from biting so hard. so there you have it, the update.

so, infertility.

you know the drill. age 16 the open me up, find the dreaded beginnings of endometriosis. take it out and tell me that i might want to think about a teen pregnancy;). my doctor really said that and i love him for it. i was thrown on every experimental and aggressive drug out there to hold me at bay until i found love and needed babies. we all crossed our fingers for years. grayce was a snap, i felt the burning desire and boom. there she was. little easton. well. we lamented, tried fertility drugs and fretted and stewed. i had had another surgery to cut out the gunk and try to get just one more here. just one more and i would be good. i was so into getting a baby here and doing it before time was up that i lost myself. i thought i was in control or something. finally, a positive test. whew. we did it, i kept thinking. when easton was 2 weeks old and i still couldn't walk (his head did me in) i got a call from someone telling me of a baby that needed adopting. would we? well, i'll be honest. at that point i realized i was just plain overwhelmed. mother to 2 will knock you upside the head a couple times and then spit you back out, especially when you are going at it alone. (aah, the schooling years) no way could we adopt a baby. i put the brakes on for a couple of years. i knew my sanity was at risk here.

a few days after that phone call one of my lovely friends stopped by bearing gifts and food to welcome the 9 pound head i delivered. she told me they had been trying for a year and knew there was a little one waiting. i tried to tell her all the things that could be wrong with her and what she needed to do. what medications to take, what sticks to buy, where to go....... she very calmly replied that she knew this baby would come on heavenly fathers time.

what???

three years later, we caught up. still no baby. and she. still knew it was the lord's time, not hers. she had not one ounce of sadness. six years separate her baby girl and her next one. that baby came. and can you believe she loved every time she bowed to the porcelain god with a happy heart? i wish she knew how deep her faith has penetrated my heart. it's no secret it took us a bit to get this one here. i always fell back to her example, always. there was no rush on my part, no doubt this time. i have been feeling this little spirit since i was pregnant with ella. i knew this one was ours to have. i wish there was some magic way to impart to you what my mind has been opened to these past months. some way to tell you how my heart has grown everyday as i lay on the couch in physical peril contemplating faith. it is so personal and i am so incredibly glad this is my road to travel.

i am surrounded by good women in their thirties. can i just say entering the third decade of life does wonders for a woman and the surrounding friends. this thing called maturity really is under rated. i see myself in all the twenty something mom's scurrying around comparing strollers, fertility drugs, adoption routes and so on. such a hurry. and then there's kellie.we've been best friends since we were 12. there's a family relation involved to the tune that my uncle married her aunt and that has always sealed the deal for us. no way to fall out of contact. when we were 12 she was diagnosed with lupus. serious, chemotherapy for 8 years, lupus. when kellie gets sick, we all hold our breath and pray really hard. despite her incredible health challenge she has successfully completed a nursing degree and mothers the most beautiful boy. he and ella are five days apart and we both consider it a gift that we got to share motherhood simultaneously with such stark differences. a pregnancy to kellie would literally be life threatening. her lupus has invaded her skin, muscles and organs, primarily affecting her kidneys. she has always accepted her road to motherhood would be paved with someone else's sacrifice. she never rushed it, never laments and has never complained. ever. i wish i could tell you that in some deep conversation she has confided in me that her situation depresses her and she can't take one more step. but never. when i ask her what the hardest part about her situation is she responds by telling me that attending the adoption classes and seeing how bitter other couples are about their lot in having to be there. don't they understand this is their road to travel? that these babies are meant to come to them this way? this is how their family is to be gathered, be it one or six.

this kind of thinking is what my mind has been opened to these past few months as i have contemplated being the bearer of 4 babies. me, 4 babies. it's because this was my road to travel, mine. if mine had been the road of adoption or other means to motherhood, it would be just for me. maybe it is my deep belief that stems from a loving heavenly father aware of us. but kellie and mindy. they know all about their road and they have maturity and peace about it. i feel a heart full of gratitude to know ladies of this caliber. sounds trite but reaffirms that someone bigger knew i would need some patience in confirming my road to travel. because you see, this road of mine has been wonderful. my knees have been bent a lot these past few months wanting to understand what all this physical pain can help to teach me. i wish there were words enough to share. never ever have i been so grateful for this pregnancy induced colitis, as much as i curse it. it has humbled me to my core as i partake and travel.

so travel your road with maturity, patience and peace, bending your knees often because it's all yours, and the giver? he's one merciful heavenly father.......

over heard

tonight i was rocking in my chair listening to the sounds of my house. bed time.

the best part of being a parent is when you can let go and play. pretend to be someone else with your kids.

tonight scott channeled his inner gangsta and was affectionately known to the children as "sca dawg". they were pretending to have a flat screen tv (our poor kids, we live in the dark ages), i touches, and watch a game on tv. he was throwing out verbage like fashizzle, skiz. he was abbreviating, nicknaming and the kids were eating is up like fresh berries in milk. hesitantly at first, not recognizing this new found character. he doesn't let down like that very often, he is pretty straight laced you know. i have asian days where i will play polly pockets as ann wong. or some days i come as billy brittish. it's silly i know. tell me we're not alone.

growing up my dad was quite animated with his characters. one time he came as geneveive the babysitter. he had cat eye glasses that had the glass gone with crystal gale's eyes put in eye slots.
we weren't quite sure what to think. nor were my younger siblings when he came as lily for a tea party. he dressed up in a lovely house dress with a nappy wig and had tea parties galore when they were babes. they were mesmerized with "looly" as they referred to "her".

it's important to be silly with your kids. really important to remember what being a kid is like. jumping into their world. i think i was 5 when geneveive came to babysit, and my younger siblings still talk about lily. it leaves a mark.

as i was listening to "sca dawg" tonight playing with the kids, talking like he was a remote controlling, sports watching fanatic, the thought crossed my mind that i should go join them and make up a gangster name for myself like "h mac nugget" or something fashizzle (that means cool). but then the overwhelming feeling came that i should try to somehow record this in my memory. it's all i will have of it, the memory. listening to how easton pretended weber state was winning the game they were watching on the "flat screen", or how ella was busy making, making, making for them. snacks, drinks, nachos.

so glad for these silly memories. so glad they are mine.

signing off for now,
yours,

ann wong

a memorable conversation

mountain man brother of mine called me last night to inform me of the message my grayce left on his phone.

"cam, this is grayce. my mom is pregnant. they just told us today and apparently she has known about it for 11 weeks! i think my dad was in on it too because when they told us, he had the video camera going."

we gathered them round with a lovely golden egg containing one beautiful ultra sound picture. we told them it was an egg the easter bunny forgot (we do our hunt on saturday). they opened the egg and grayce asked with a very eight year old voice why on earth we would put an ultra sound picture of one of them in an egg. scotty told them to look at the date on the picture. it read 3/16/2010. she loudly declared:" the third month, the sixteenth day 2010, YOU'RE PREGNANT!"

i was very impressed with her excitement as well as her ability to recite the day!

info. 10/24/10
sick as a dog and know it is worth every second ;)
we are incredibly happy, and weepy. this is very anticipated good news.

firstborn

the first born is always, always that "one". however their little spirit comes out, it is your first, your guideline, your "normal". the redhead and i are both the first born in our families, so our little hearts go out to our beautiful daughter. the world revolved around her for 2 years and 4 months. the one time i got upset with her before easton was born was a cold camping trip that she insisted on getting up before the sun and before firewood could be fetched for a fire. it is one of those moments that i relive and regret often. i was so sick and pregnant with easton and it was so cold. i confess that my austrailan blood filled it's hell and damn quota before the sun rose. such shame. when your heart expands to love another little person, often times it comes with a price and cost of patience for the one before.

we are going thru change with grayce like the lion and lamb reference to march. except, i never know which day will be what. some days a lamb and i can tolerate her 8 year old antics and not roll my eyes, other days, well. i am scared stupid for the teenage years. where's my magic wand that shrinks and brings back my baby? really. it is not fair. she has a crush on a boy all of the time. what does that say about our parenting? really? she tells everyone she knows that she has a crush on this mop headed ruffian. i bite my tongue, encourage reading with a fresh supply of new books monthly, encourage her to play with the neglected guinea pig, i sic ella on her to play dolls. she is changing and reminds me daily that she is a "mature young adult"as she puts it. before long, womanhood will be descending upon that sweet body and my tears will stain my pillow for the trail of childhood she is leaving in her wake of mature young adulthood. there's the lion.

my lamb days with her include tales of playground rhetoric, the classroom guinea pigs she spoils into oblivion, her discovery of judy bloom, her packing of "a light in the attic" by shel sivlerstein everywhere she has 5 minutes to read, brushing her long locks every morning asking what she wants me to create with them, her love of choir that beckons her out of bed at 6:50 am 2 days a week. those are my lambs. her love of american idol and her dreams that are laced with a victory in her name. there is always something to hold on to. there is also always something to be worked on. at the end of every day at my review of days activities on bended knee, some heaviness hangs around my heart wondering how i could have done better.

last weekend i was ready for a cup to be filled with some inspiration, some reading bliss. i wanted reality, not escape. i wandered down to the local mormon discount store and stumbled upon the book "the mother in me". it is a compilation of essays that the writers and contributors at seagullah had compiled. it was at the very back on a severely discounted table and to that i thought, oh darn, what a great idea. obviously it wasn't good if it is already appearing on the discount isle at the already discounted shop. at $4.99 something told me to take a risk. i holed myself up in my bedroom and dove in. two hours later i was basking in a fulfilling feeling. i felt so refreshed and so inspired. many of the essays touched me, but one in particular has lingered and wrapped itself around my heart with its truthfulness.

it was one talking about the ups and downs of toddler hood. the hopes and dreams a parent holds for a child. the responsibility that can often times become burdensome and tiring with the expectation of ones self. in her murky self criticism the thought very clearly occurred to her that a father in heaven also claims that divine responsibility of parenthood. she contemplated his role and his amazing ability to not take on any of our imperfections when we fail as his children. he stays the same, constant thru our error and our faults. he doesn't demote himself because of our frailties or bad decisions but remains still and constant thru them. the essay is incredibly beautiful and i can whole heartedly recommend the book. it was so profound for me as an imperfect mother that often times finds sadness at the end of the day because of how i responded to my kids and took their missing library book as my neglect or fault. she also cited the fact that our father in heaven knew these babies wouldn't be coming to perfect homes, he knew that they would be immersed in imperfection but counting on us to show these spirits firsthand how the atonement works.

it's been in my heart, those thoughts. it's helping me to be the kind of mom that doesn't feel bad for grayce because she is the firstborn. it left me feeling hopeful that she is seeing the full spectrum of human emotion and imperfection and that at the end of the day and the beginning of the week, i kneel and i attend so that i can more fully understand that garden and how a father in heaven beckons with love.

cool

my mom pointed this one out to me a couple of months ago and i have subsequently seen it pop up many times since. this is one of my very favorite messages. it touches every single heart string i have. enjoy, and grab a tissue. i am usually a puddle on the the floor by the messages end.

click here

free

guinea pig. the last watering and feeding of our bella was missed yesterday. in keeping in line with the parenting with love and logic concepts, this yellow lover of oranges is yours if you'd like.

poor grayce lou. has to learn sometime, right?

free food, cage, house cover, transporter, water bottle,cage liner, ball dealio, and even some oranges.

yellow fur, name is bella, squeaks when she eats, once a week cage cleaning required. little kids get a kick out of her, she is a runner and darter in her cage. oh, and the "she" business. that cannot be confirmed or denied. i just might not suggest mixing with another one unless you were hip on babies.

holler. scott4heidi@aol.com

nowhere else

yesterday was this large conference i talked about in my last post. it is kind of the rage in utah. conferences put on by professionals for women. just for her. they have classes on every kind of female interest one can think of. our local stake adopted this concept and planned a large spiritual gathering for 300+ women. we had marriage therapists lined up, scholars in scripture, mothers sharing parenting and grand parenting ideas, food prep instruction, how to keep our homes protected from the world and so on. the final speaker came with marvelous accolades to her name. hers is the job of inspiring women to find out what their talents are, discover the talent that could take them places. she was all fired up, this quiet group of ladies before her. i live in a modest, quiet area. it is hard to crack jokes and get responses i have noticed when i congregate with these stalwart people. i think she had to adjust her presentation for a stone faced, reverent crowd. because my attendance was necessary to place all of the flowers, i attended, trying to select speakers that would fill my inspiration cup.

i was ready to come home with lists of things to change, new ways of loving and doing things, a spring makeover so to say.

it was during the grand finale speaker whose job was to motivate that i had to fill out a survey reflecting my contentedness with life. i filled out my work sheet and looked at my answers. my friends were looking around at each others scores and comparing notes. i had this moment where the speaker was asking women what their wildest dreams were, what their deepest desires were. i heard answers of wildlife photographers, home builders and so on. nothing yesterday resonated with me. nothing was put to paper on my list of things to improve. this motivational speaker only talked to me, didn't really touch me.

when i came home and was discussing my predicament with my handsome redhead, he was glad i didn't have a list of fix it's for our marriage and parenting skills. one woman that i know that was at the conference commented to me how glad she was that she was past my phase of life and gave me her deepest condolences. i confidently told her that i loved every minute of my life and wouldn't fast forward for anything. my answer to her summed up my feelings as of late.

this main event speaker also asked us to remember when we were little girls and the world was ours, what was it we wanted to do? doctors, teachers, broadway singers.

i played dolls, kitchen, and teacher. i was always the teacher helping with homework or reading to kids. i concurred that i am doing exactly what my little girls heart desired. i am fulfilling every dream i ever could have come up with for myself. and somehow i think that little girl would smile if she could have looked ahead to see the life i live.

by no means am i claiming perfection of self in any way. but i am saying that i know where to find the inspiration needed to move forward as a mother. i know where all of my parenting skills receive refinement and inspiration. i know where my devotion to my husband comes from. i know where my self help is found.

it's found in a garden.
it's found at the empty tomb.
it's found on the raging sea that was calmed.
it's found in the stable with lowly means and humble parents.
it's found with the thought of my mediator and advocate before a loving father.

it's all found in love.

(and in case you are wondering i am home with a sore throat{ed} little fella, missing my worship services, so it feels appropriate to say.............)

AMEN.

the flower voices

a month or so ago a kind woman in my house of worship approached me. she was soliciting help for a large women's conference for the area. she was asking my help for the decor. now, i might be into architecture like there's no tomorrow, but my house sits empty waiting for the right furniture and just the right wall decor. i readily accepted the assignment because i was in my house of worship which usually puts one in a very nice mood. when i got home i wondered what i had done. those who know me know that i don't do crafty or cute{sie}. i don't have bows anywhere in my house and i don't usually participate in anything involving toll paints. it just isn't me. i am not an accessory woman. i have a few prized broaches, a wedding band and a good pair of sterling earrings but fluffy isn't my thing. i admire a mother who accessorizes herself and her children, don't get me wrong. i have many an accessorizing family members and friends. cute matching bow headed children that i look at admiringly. my disdain only comes from the fact that accessories overwhelm me. really, really overwhelm me. bows and flowers for girls hair laying around my house make me so nervous. i am a strong believer in a good hair cut and a very nice polished look for your hair, and we do have an occasional head band laying around that occasionally makes it on some one's head. all of this said, i am a simpleton in the area of decor and accessories simply because my brain doesn't work that way.

now, being a good mormon woman one is put into the position to decorate a church gym once in a while. your turn will inevitably come. i just thought my confidence in the kitchen would take me places that would altogether avoid the gym decor, but no. not only was i shocked, but all i told also had a gaping jaw. well, forgetting about the frugality of mormons, i envisioned carnations by the truckload with the stems cut off sitting beautifully adorning tables in all white with limes mixed in on a beautiful table runner. that is my idea of simpleton decor. when i sat thru our first meeting i was to find that my budget was consistent with mormon values, putting all of the money on the food, we sure know how to eat. so with a zero budget and 44 tables to decorate with a spanish theme, my mind was ringing tacky. tacky, tacky, tacky.

do you have voices in your head that lead you to crazy decisions? combine that with my problem of passion and focus and i had myself making 1000 paper flowers. 1000, 1000, 1000. it couldn't be less. the voices drove me to do it. by the end i had multiple friends involved cutting, fluffing and consoling in behalf of the 1000 paper flower voices. i am proud to announce that i am now the owner of 1000 paper flowers. they adorned the gymnasium today and i was shocked at the buzz. this non decorator lady entered the world of mormon crafting at its finest. i was asked when my class could be attended.(i might be coming to your next homemaking ;)) i have dates booked out of other women needing these lovelies. all the flowers caused quite a female stir. every mormon stereo type ensued. so now i gladly join the ranks of the mormon crafting mother with my 1000 mexican paper flowers. (and a great case of carpel tunnel from all of the cutting)

a deep thanks to all of my best{ies} who helped make the voices quiet in my head......but mostly the redhead, who did as many as i did. and while we didn't watch the olympics, we listened, focusing all of our eye power on the flowers.......i love you scotty!

he he he

an apology of sorts for the last post. i have had many a friends thinking it might have been an announcement on my part. so sorry to disappoint. we are in the business of expanding the family but it seems we get to play the waiting game for a bit here. sorry for the alarm!

i was just referring to the fact that all of the contributors on our food blog have had at least one pregnancy each, some two since we started it! it's no wonder we go a bit in between posts. not to mention, most of the gals have husbands in residency, law school or big gun jobs!

but here's to regular posting at our table!

a miracle of sorts

but we have started posting again at our food blog. click here

and to our credit, there have been many, many babies born since our haitus. there are seven of us lovelies in fertile condition involved here. be patient ;)

my birthday wishes

happy happy birthday to my favorite red headed husband. i thought it especially sweet that he sent his mother flowers today with the card reading "thanks for giving birth to me 31 years ago."

really, really sweet.