Monday, July 6, 2009

falling in love

last night s.mac and i were contemplating the last nine years. he feels old with nine years of being married. myself on the other hand, i can't imagine a day without him. nine years seems a shallow number for all we have under our belt. we were talking about how jam packed our marriage has been and at the rate we are going what the future could hold.

i dated his best friend in high school. his friend was always kind and good to me. we dated a long time, a couple of years. thru dating this guy, i had the chance to be around s.mac on and off. we were often in the same groups. i think the guy i dated in high school was really a best friend to me. i was in love with his family. they took me in as their own and i have a tender place for all of them. when the boyfriend went on an LDS mission to the orient, i attempted dating. that is hard after you have been pegged as someone elses for so long. one of our other friends got home from his LDS mission and started to pursue me. i was really clueless about it for a while, also confused. there were some weird circumstances involved that really made me forget who i was and what i wanted out of life. i guess i chalk that up to life's learning curve. i went along with the whole crazy thing, still being in love with the missionary and being stupid really. it caused a lot of grief for people, but 10 days before the wedding i was put in a situation where the fiance was really mad at me. and by my admission, he had every right to be. i had the chance, as we were working thru this argument, to picture two little kids in the back seat of the car listening to this fight. i can't say i had ever been a fighter in past relationships and this was all new territory for me. i shut down when i thought of bringing kids into this tangled web. he was mad and drove me to his house and threw his keys at me and told me to drive myself home. it was like a light shone down from heaven and i could see that i had a choice. i could choose how i was going to be loved the rest of my life and this was for the birds. for whatever reason, we were toxic together. by the end of a grueling 24 hour period, the ring was returned. he came over one time during this period. i had the chance to express my feelings of not wanting to go thru with the wedding. i told him that we could continue to date and see if things improved. luckily the stupid words came out of his mouth - it is now or never. i then let him know that we had nothing to work with and i chose never. and that meant never.

he is a great guy and has married with kids of his own. it is unfortunate that we both had to go thru that experience because we were great friends and should have stayed that way. if i had not been treated so well by the missionary i probably would have gone thru with the doomed marriage. but i just couldn't let go of how good the missionary treated me and knew i was an idiot if i went thru with something i would be so miserable in. so, the wedding was called off and i started writing to the orient again. that seemed the natural thing to me. this must be meant to be. essentially his goodness saved me from this doomed choice. we wrote back and forth and pretty soon marriage was brought up. i thought for sure it was meant to be. what other sign did i need.

after a couple of months, things started to feel different to me. i can't tell you exactly what. i just really started to feel that as good as things were for us, we weren't going to end up together. i was so confused. i wasn't dating anyone else so there didn't seem a reason for me to feel this way. i tried telling my parents how i felt and they didn't understand either. i struggled with it for a month or so and then finally was so miserable knowing this wasn't going to work out, i had to write this poor guy's second dear john letter. i was so depressed hanging on to this and as soon as the letter was out the door, this weight had been lifted and i knew it was the right thing to do. i started to get over our past and prepare for the future. i really, really considered serving an LDS mission. i had an amazing experience where i knew for sure that i could go to any part of the world and bear testimony of what i believed. that gave me a huge boost from all of the misery the last 6 months had brought me. calling off an engagement, writing a dear john twice to a fantastic guy. all of this was going on in the february, march months. s.mac got home from his mission in february and we were really good friends. we often hung out with our other good friend ryan and soon the three of us became inseparable. we had all been buddies in high school and soon it seemed our days all intertwined. we took a trip to st. george, took about 3 institute classes a week together and made the rounds on the town on the weekends. these guys were super supportive of a mission in my future and i was a couple of months away from being able to start the process.

somewhere in the mix of all of this, s.mac decided he was ready to start dating. he went on a few dates and one weekend found himself without a date, but a date was planned with friends. i didn't have plans, so i was his back up. we had fun. our hanging out became just the two of us as our buddy ryan found a constant date that he was soon smooching. we were left alone by the process of elimination. s.mac talked about a girl he was interested in and i encouraged it. somewhere in the mix of talking and hanging out, i started to see him in a different light. soon there was a tulip left on my car and then a date was set for the weekend for the 2 of us. it started out as a hang out, but as the week progressed everything felt different. by the time the date arrived, there was something in the air. it was unfamiliar and exciting both at the same time. by the end of the date, i knew this was who i was going to marry. it was one of the most profound, indescribable experiences i had had that far in my life. it was happy, right, and i couldn't wipe the grin off my face. i remember waking up the next morning with the most happiness i had ever had. i was completely happy. in my sleepless night, my heart was warmed with how much a heavenly father must love his kids to let them know who they were going to spend the rest of their lives with such an amazing feeling. all of a sudden it was all worth it, all of the criticism over calling a wedding off, all of the criticism of writing a dear john twice to this poor guy. all worth even 1 minute of feeling they way i did that night. and you know, his parents reported being woken up that night to a love struck son. they were shocked but never criticized his choice, which i really, really appreciated. they had every reason to be alarmed that their son was in love with a girl who had such a sketchy track record. thank goodness for miracles.

the dating period was 2 short weeks before he proposed. it was perfect. i threw aside lofty dreams of a grand wedding and told him and my mother that i wanted a temple dress to get married in and a ceremony with a room that could hold our dearest friend and family. no more. after what i had been thru i ruled out the need for a diamond, coordinating colors, reception, cake, or an elaborate dress. i would have been satisfied to elope to the temple and call it good. my mom thought it appropriate to make it proper. s.mac wanted a reception so my mother planned it. i worried about the things i placed value on. we booked the ogden temple as they told us they would accommodate every person we invited. i found a lovely temple dress and i picked out a plain wedding band. anything else that was present nine years ago was due to the labor of my mother. it turned out brilliant and how she did it 2 summers in a row with two toddlers in tow is beyond me. somehow that day was perfect even thou i was subjected to a reception and a fluffy wedding dress.

it is funny, after nine years i can say we have been subjected to trial and heartache. we have also been able to partake in the sweetest experiences life has to offer. in my heart i know that with anybody else, it wouldn't have been as sweet. i am a lucky girl and everyday am so grateful for a turbulent period in my life that resulted in miracles and s.mac.


Brooke said...

happy anniversary! i love hearing your story as you are such a wonderful story teller! happy 9 years!

Lori said...

i remember being a, what's the word, audience member (?) as your love story was unfolding. my mom and brother were concerned about your happiness so naturally i was too. it's great to hear your story straight from the source. i'm glad you and S.mac found each other, you're perfect together. ain't happiness grand?

happy anniversary!

Eva said...

Happy anniversary, H! Dan and I just passed the 6 year mark. Yay!

Kat said...

That was really fun to read. I never really knew the whole story of how you two met. Happy Anniversary! (I hold a very tender place in my heart for your whole family, too. Thank you for being so good to me.)

Coty said...

aw, good story! happy forever!
what more could a gal want?

Happy Anniversary!

Veronica said...

You made me tear lovely to hear about your heartstrings and experiences of falling in love with "THE ONE." You two are a great couple! Much happiness is wished to you always!

Ashley J. McFarlane said...

Happy Happy Anniversary to you both,
I hope it was enjoyable! I'm glad you decided to marry s.mac, he's a great guy and you're a great girl.

Unknown said...

Happy Anniversary. I still remember getting the copy of your wedding video while on my mission. My companion and I watched it together on a P-day. We felt embarrassed because of all the kissing - it was like watching a serious romance flick - you could definitely tell you were in love. I'm so happy for you and the red head. So glad you are part of the family!