Tuesday, December 9, 2008

my mother heart...

you know what is deep inside of you that tells you when to start your family, when the next one should come and that there may be more waiting, just for you. the kind word you feel the need to offer to a person in need, the words of encouragement only you can say just so to the person that needs you and that powerful need to feed people {okay, i realize that is harder to come by now aunt bea is not as revered as she used to be}.

that is what i call the mother heart.

my admission of being a young "girl" when my mother heart started shouldn't surprise anyone. 22 is a young age to have a baby. every part of me wanted her and knew it was certainly "she" waiting to come. and then a "he". i could feel him. and then the "her". i just knew. deep down. it certainly seemed funny to think of what i wanted. because. how can we change what god determines? sometimes do you wonder if you accepted the calling of a mother before you came? i do, and there is nothing that i wouldn't do to make good on that promise to those spirits and an all magnificent creator.

what about having children is something a normal, sane person would find convenient or normal by any one's standards? in this selfish country in the which we all set as a fatted calf, we certainly take on entitlement. especially in the area of family. more and more i hear so much about convenience and what is going to be easiest.

maybe in my parenting years i have been on a planet set aside for the crazys. it is the hardest job i have ever done, hence why i know we are not done. i know i have things to learn that only the humility of wanting and having a babe placed in your arms can bring.

no lesson ever taught in my young life has ever brought the learning curve that being a mother 3 times over has. there is nothing like the helpless feeling of being so overly tired, physically drained and then on the exact opposite spectrum, the feelings of extreme highs that smiles, hugs and kisses bring. there is no "thing" i could buy that feels like meeting a baby for the first time, mine or another. no love felt greater when a desperate plea to be "with" child is granted.

i remember seeing the positive sign on that stick and knowing what i knew all along. i wanted to be a mother, knew i would and would do whatever it took to hold those babies in my arms, be it by the physical sacrifice of another or my own. it confirmed years of faith i had to have being unmarried and being told the "chances" are slim, your body is broken.

there is no feeling like that of being ready to start the journey of bringing another baby into your home and starting that process. for some it is a journey of an "emotional pregnancy" with a physical pregnancy absent. i firmly believe it brings about the same lessons and the same feelings that make the "mother heart" come alive. for some, it is the lessons learned from waiting a lifetime and simply showing faith.

sixteen years old, things going in the wrong direction for a doctor to deem my body "normal". but, yet, thru the years of new pills, new drugs, another surgery, another road block, i knew it would come to pass. something deep inside told me i would be a mother. it was planted young but so strongly, maybe this is why my passion runs deep.

as mothers we discover who we are, why we were put in the "here and now" and what we have yet to do to grow a little more, be a little better - line upon line.

so, with this admission, let me tell you phrases that make me sad.
we are so done. __ is plenty for me
we don't have near enough money to have kids.
i am tired and i am done.

the thing i find the most humor in is when people say "i want a boy or girl next". i have fallen victim to this plague. really, i think things work too well in this universe for us to be giving the orders.......

and humor... have you ever read more that one entry of mine? yes, humor is a wonderful blessing granted from someone who has obviously gone thru parenting before. i would be lost without humor in the world of speech impediments, dirty diapers gone wrong {how much could be right about one in the first place?}, laundry that only a kid can dirty and all of the labor intensive meals thrown in the trash.

the best part about a mother heart?

it is unique and every body gets theirs one way or another, kids or no kids, wives or not. i love finding out what cultivates a mother heart in the strong women in my life. i surely have wonderful support and good strength in the mother hearts that surround me.

there, you have it.

how i feel about mother hearts, parenting and kids.

and just so you know, we aren't "done". when i lay in bed at night, i haven't kissed all the lips i'm supposed to........


kate said...

so touching, thank you!

The Ballard's said...

Phenomenal. That was fantastic. I wish I had those words in my head. The way you put them together makes me rethink being "done". Do you have any words for the "father's heart"? My favorite had to be the lips to kiss at the end. I think I will go kiss the little lips that are at my house making me crazy & happy all the way through. Thank you.

Natalie Ropelato said...

Heidi, you have such a way with words. You really need to write a book or something. But I have one question, are you trying to tell us something? :)

Amy said...

Thank you for that. I was wondering the same question?

Paige M. said...

Grandma Norma would've loved to read this, you have one of the best monther hearts i know! I am glad that I have you to look up to!

Jenilyn said...

heidi! i found your blog! I love the way you write! I know i just saw you at Vaughn's wedding...but i still feel like it's been forever! Your kids are beautiful are so are you! I'm glad to read all is well! Keep in touch!

Todd said...

Are you announcing something?

i'm h.mac said...

no, i just re read and that would be a great lead in to a growing belly. no, my body's not working right quite yet.

Brooke said...

I really was waiting for an announcement the whole way through. I just kept thinking, "I think she would tell me before she announces on her blog, I think...." I sure love ya and hope my complaints about motherhood haven't sounded like that. I love being a mother, too and couldn't imagine my life any other way.

Ashley J. McFarlane said...

What an artistic writer you are, you truly have a way with words.
I love it! I know the "mother heart" feeling.

Lori said...

love this post.

Bart and Jill Schenck Family said...

Okay Heidi, I have come home and read your blog!!! It was nice to know before reading that a baby is not yet on the way!!! You really do have a way with words and it's nice to have someone be able to put how I feel into words. For me it is such a feeling, but would be hard to say so nicely as you just did!!!

Coty said...

o mother heart.
i cannot describe my degree of one-ness with this post.
thanks heidi.