the biggest birthday bash i ever threw AND the longest post this blog has ever seen.

in the bleak winter months i had the party gods give me a vision of a lovely party i would throw for my grandma helen to mark her 95 years. my party voices started and i couldn't stop them. it happened and it was one of the highlights of my life.

my mother had told me no for years about hosting grandma's adult birthday party. mostly because she is the youngest of 7 kids and i guess you let the older ones take charge or something. so i had to usurp her and go to my auntie annette who is the event planner extraordinaire. she said yes and i was beside myself with excitement! this is all a real and true story about my excitement.  there is nothing i love more than to host or be a part of culinary events for people i love. pulling a meal together comes easily to me, especially for large groups, and being that i'm a mormon and we are supposed to share our talents, i have to listen to the party demons sometimes, and that's on account of i dropped out of piano lessons as a teenager and i can't enrich the mormon's on sundee with my music abilities.

i filled up an entire notebook with ideas and such. and the menu changed 976 times but that was the funnest part, thinking of what to feed all these good people. i started on emails to my cousins and aunts and uncles and i think you might like an excerpt of one i sent out to guilt them into coming (because they couldn't see the scenes the party demons were playing for me, i had to lay on the heat real thick like):

This email is to address any concerns, excuses, problems with your attendance to grandma's friday night celebration.

1. you have a babe in arms, they are invited! if they happen to talk back, spit, hit, or wrestle - those offspring are not invited. kyle and ben have promised to behave.

2. you can't find a babysitter for the aforementioned children. call me, i will arrange responsible gals to watch them at my in-laws who live a few houses away.

3. you have to work and can't get to the party by 5:30 or 6:00. Dinner is a spread of food that can be eaten at 6:13, 6:42, 7:23 and so on. JUST COME!

4. you have a medical condition. my husband has a medical license and a killer first aid kit but he does not treat hemorrhoids. we also have two horses on standby should you need assistance once you get here. grandma has agreed to be pulled in by sled, what's your excuse?

5. north ogden is far away. so is the great beyond where grandma will be sooner than any of us. it will be worth it.

6. you don't know what present to get her. her words to me friday were something along the lines of - please tell everyone no gifts! i know they stew about what in the sam hill to get a 95 year old and the truth is, i don't need anything i'm ever given. my tip to you is that she is a sucker for m and m's and also the dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds at costco, also pero is always a hit.

7. the entertainment should please a bunch of christensen's. i worked for six weeks to secure it. it is top secret but i know you will laugh.

8. food. it will be good. 

9. grandma's hoping it's her last party, you might be sad you missed out.

you would come if you got this coercion, right? the beginning of the email was wikipedia's definition of coercion.

i am pleased as punch to tell you that it worked and our final count was around 75 people! there were cousins i had not seen in years that attended and my glory, it was something i will never ever forget. my sister in law who was eight months pregnant at the time captured perfectly the evening. i am so over the moon grateful for her and her photo skills. i always invite her to my events and she always, always comes thru. she has a gift with natural light and i think the following photos show it.

the woman of honor, helen.

when my alaskan brother, cameron, saw this picture, he asked what bad thing vaughn (my brother shown here) ever did to me to get grilling duty on the hottest day of the summer. he was willing was all!

that martinelli's lemonade is found at costco and it will tickle your fancy. it's amazing

the appetizers were laid out and i ended up realizing that we did an ode to corn. every dip contained corn but no one complained. it was divine! my mom and i fussing over the set up and function.

 and the guest of honor! grandma on the far right and her sister allison in the middle (this is not a great shot of her crunching corn, sorry auntie allison!) and then her sister eulinid in the bright pink with my aunt ruth in the light pink. behind them was the baby station. i gathered up every baby apparatus ever known for all thebabies that came, it was awesome!

my good neighbor grows these fantastic flowers in abundance and let me have a go at them for decor. it was purely therapeutic.

 you will notice the name tags that my brother and dad are wearing. little did everyone know that this was a clue about the entertainment (it was a top secret surprise). and they are also probably conversing about how i made them do ridiculous things to get ready for this party. one of them being mowing a lawn in 200 degree weather and the other painting my mudroom the entire week so that my house looked somewhat pulled together.

 mingling and laughing. grandma pulling scott in congratulating him on staying married thru this whole deal. he is such a good sport!

 i sat with my cousin jill and her husband nick and enjoyed the ode to corn. it was possibly the first time i had sat down in a month. this is real. i wish i had realized that i needed to take my apron off. i wore that thing until i went to bed. ah well.

 my aunt ruth and aunt susan in a deep conversation about how i pulled this off for only $7 a plate. (i kid, but that dollar amount is real folks)

 these two shots are poor reward for my slave labor, but i had an epiphany that i would not enjoy one moment if i did not have help there that wasn't related. i called in some big favors to some good women i love, they obliged and i am forever indebted. at the end of the night, my entire house was put together, food put away, and not one dish left to do or thing to clean. their name tags read, the help. we had to make sure no one mistook them for a cousin. in this picture below, kellie is giving me strict instructions that she will take care of the cake station.

i had a food skeleton inside the house of how the salads should be laid out. they had the ingredients for each salad in separate coolers with a food label on what went into each grouping. i went with salad bar extraordinaire for dinner.

 the next shots demonstrate that these folks came for the party, not my speaking abilities. oh how i struggle with public attention. it makes things not work out smooth for my mouth and head. and apparently, my hands over compensate. a lot of hand action was apparently necessary for the welcome to the party and what we were having for dinner.

 this shot of my mom is a beauty. i love that happy look on her face. it does not at all reveal how she had been my sous chef for three days straight chopping, slicing, and following orders. she's a gem.

if seeing extra large pictures of a salad spread doesn't make you excited, i am real sorry for you. this is my happy place.

 my mom and i made 120 dilly rolls. store bought is not good if you have lived 95 years on this earth and your only complaint is you vomit when your intake of m and m's exceeds two handfuls.

 after dinner was over, i introduced the entertainment. it's okay if you don't know who it is. these folks all did and the pictures of the reveal are priceless.

MR FARLEY

 this man below made a video (after many, many performances around the state) of a family reunion typical of mormon families. its a one man show where he acts out every character who might attend a family reunion. we were all rolling and the laughter was heard two streets over. it was our entertainment as kids and it extended to most of my cousins. i had a whim and googled him. turns out he was delighted to come and i was giddy for months about this surprise. it made the evening. and, apparently, some of my cousins did not have a VCR growing up. they enjoyed it anyway and in that particular family, most of the spouses that married in to the family had seen it growing up. it was great! 

the reactions upon his arrival were awesome. i had one cousin who wanted to yell and shout she was so star struck. my uncle and cousin were in fits of disbelief and giggles, they couldn't believe it. 

i think this is the winner of the night. the three remaining sisters. it makes me tear up every time. they were watching our baby parade. we had so many new great grand babies there, we paraded them to the front. 

the birthday cake was quite a feat. i was at a baptism where my friend amity brought these two amazing rainbow cakes. they were not only beautiful, but some of the best cake i have ever eaten. i asked to hire her out for the evening only to find she would be out of town.  she came over one day and gave me a lesson. it was gold. i ended up making 20 layers which turned out to be 4 cakes. it was the highlight of my culinary life. they are so beautiful and my goodness, they grab your attention!

 

 i will be honest, they were slicing up the cake and i had a watchful eye. six layers gets tricky but this was my cool, spy, sneaky face. the help did a fantastic job slicing!

 grandma took the mic right before we ate cake and imparted some gratitude and wisdom. she's my idol.

 this face is one i have seen many times thru my life of loving her, but i feel so over the moon that ashely captured it. it's her overwhelmed, amazed, purely grateful face. priceless. happy 95th grandma helen.

the best thing i ever did

i am going to tell you about it, but first let me tell you why before what.

we have a new normal around here. that's obvious with the past few posts. things are good with easton.  we are on a path and i feel like we are making progress. we still have a long road ahead and there are many things to conquer before we get a clean bill of health, but we will get there.

in this process of this sickness i discovered i have a really hard time balancing and not just giving up on certain things. for instance, when there are weeks where we are at the hospital, dr's office, lab all day for say 4 of the 7 days of the week, i find it really hard to follow thru with cleaning, three meals made, pick up, homework, extra curricular activities. not to mention time for myself. things came to a head and that's when i made a decision to hire a cleaning crew for my house.

all my married life i have discovered that i really, really struggle with keeping the cleaning voices quiet in my head. tell me i am not the only one? i have the need to clean everything top to bottom, old to new. i struggle with keeping balance on both ends.  when life is crazy i tend to stress over cleaning and am usually too drained to do the actual cleaning, only stress about it.  also, i found i had to get really worked up and mad to clean to propel me thru.  it was seriously a disorder that i probably should have been taking medication for.  i  have my kids help me but getting them to deep clean the way i want it was only injuring our eternal relationship. that's being honest. i do however have them do things that don't require spraying chemicals. once i watched one of them clean the bathroom, ugh. it was far more dangerous for everyone with all of the scratching, itching, touching kids do on a regular basis, and then you throw in bodily fluids on surfaces? they were contaminating themselves before they could clean the mess up and i was loosing sleep over it.

every year for my birthday i have wanted this deep cleaning package my brother has been telling me about.  that scott mckay is a hard sell. for three years i have begged and he just has too much common sense to indulge in such things. i knew my mental health was at stake and so this year, i told him that was what i was getting for my birthday, a deep clean.  these folks came and cleaned windows inside and outside, walls, corners, baseboards, decor was dusted, couches vacuumed, and then a regular cleaning to top it off.

when scott consented, i took the two weeks before the cleaners came to de-junk every crevice in my house. there were trailers full taken to the DI. it was so incredibly liberating.  i have always had a hard time making time for dejunking because i always feel like i am in the process of regular cleaning. it was becoming a snowball effect. and for the record, this cleaning problem and stress always seemed manageable in smaller quarters.  this house has killed me. i realize it's no mansion, but we lived for ten years in apartment type dwelling and so it feels massive to me.

while these good cleaners were doing their deep cleaning, i asked if they regular cleaning as well.  he gave me a quote and i told him to come twice a month to this house.  i made room in my budget by cutting down on some other things and we fast once a day (joke). i made changes in phone services, and started cutting back on extras and it is worth every single penny! i can keep the house picked up but i don't function very well when i have the burden of cleaning, pick up and de-junk on my plate. it feels like i have had someone give me 10 years worth of therapy. i highly recommend it if you suffer the problems i do. and for the record, i do have to clean before the cleaners come in a sense but it has forced me to only worry about pick up and regular cleaning everyday. so at the end of the day we go thru the house putting everything back in it's place and then do meal clean up and floors as needed. but, twice a month, my floors are mopped, kitchen scoured, all floors cleaned, sofas vacuumed, bathrooms cleaned top to bottom and my goodness, it feels so good! for the record, my two levels (about 3100 sq feet) for my bi-weekly cleaning is $100. am i crazy? yes, either way you look at it!!

when time stops for a bit

sometimes time seems to halt and it's like god's hand scoops you up.  you go along for the ride but you feel ultra sensitive and out of your comfort zone. it feels like home when hard things happen.  a strange familiar feeling. does this make sense?

i need those things in life that make me stop and say what are you doing and where are you headed. are you going good places? are you taking your kids with you or are they dragging behind.

my heart has been in a million different directions since this all started with easton. broken, mended, shattered, torn, guilt ridden, bursting, overflowing. all of them. i love my family. i am grateful to love fiercely and to be loved fiercely.

our first miracle was when our pediatrician gave us his cell phone and told us we could text and call. there were countless nights he kept us out of the ER talking us thru calming easton down and getting his pain under control.  he stayed up with is, hour by hour, determining he was okay. that's organic medicine.  that's why scott m went into medicine. he saw a grandpa and uncles practice organic medicine. he saw healing. it's no corporate office, it's no billing and payment, it's house visits, it's charity, it's healing.

(disclaimer to our medical friends, my spelling is not accurate but i refuse to google our diagnosis for fear of being institutionalized, work with me?)

then along the way, i just happened to ask our allergist while i was doing a baseline with rowan for his food allergies (i could tell they had shifted because he had constant eczema since december that wouldn't go away)a simple question. i just had a feeling.  it is uncharacteristic of me.  having scott work in the medical field, he gets a lot of questions from people.  one man cornered him in the hall at church and grilled him about his hemorrhoids. a lot of people call and ask if he can tell if they have a broken bone over the phone. they are really seeking reassurance from someone who spent a lot of years in medical education if they are going to be okay and what they should do. on this particular day, i excused myself profusely to our amazing, wonderful, brilliant allergist who is also an immunologist, for the question i was going to ask about easton.  i had noticed on rowan's new patient questionnaire a line about frequent recurring strep throat.  it was my first nagging question to the pediatrician when this all started. easton's had strep throat 6 times in 12 months. the immunologist said it was absolutely a sign that something was off and would i be willing to include him in easton's care. he gave me a list of blood work to take to our GI appointment. it took nothing short of hi-jacking the GI staff at primary's to get an appointment. our pediatrician called for five days straight to the emergent on call dr. for five days. straight. no phone call back. these two months have led to so much disappointment with the GI dept at primary's. i would get angry, angry because easton was getting sicker and sicker.  being the primary care giver and not able to relieve pain and suffering no matter how much i googled or racked my brain was torture.  primary's tells us it's a six month super bug. wait it out.  they did a CT w contrast which reassured us that there was no life threatening problem. the blood work came back and was reviewed by dr jones (the allergist/immunologist) and he immediately sent me for more blood work to check easton's eosinifils. this is a measure of allergic response in the blood. he also did a ton of skin tests and we found he was allergic to a number of things outside and a few foods. the blood work came back and his eosinifils had doubled from 800 to 1600.  so high that dr jones called primary's and told the nurse we needed a GI scope immediately. not in two weeks. as soon as possible. they got us in 5 days later with another GI willing to take it on. At the scope they were looking for the presence of these eosinifils in the esophagus. dr jensen reviewed his findings and said there was no significant swelling and he had a very healthy tract.  we were devastated.  he told us with the presence of the collection of enlarged lymph nodes discovered in the gut at the last ultra sound it would confirm the virus theory.  so that day we were on team virus, wait it out even tho none of the medication was helping. we were told the results would take 7 days from the biopsy. i got a call the next day from our GI. he told me that the rate of eosinifils was high and that we needed to be treated by the allergist but that it wasn't at all explaining the pain easton was in.  he told us to go back to our pediatrician and general surgeon who performed the umbilical hernia repair in april and to do an exploratory lap. sigh. we were off team virus and feeling like we were at square one with an incidental finding.  we were so depressed. the next morning i had an appointment with dr jones to review the results.  to diagnose with eosinophila it takes a score of 20, 50 being severe.  easton was 100+. i was telling him how i felt so deflated that this didn't explain his pain.  he got stern with me and told me we had a diagnosis and that it was absolutely the right path.  he assured, calmed, educated, and promised to follow this thru with us. he promised easton he would do everything he could to get him feeling better and this was causing the pain. he wanted us to see the general surgeon the next day to rule out a need for surgery and wanted him to call dr jones the second we were done with the appointment. dr jones called my cell phone on his lunch break and said he had this this nagging feeling we need to do some more blood work. there's a condition that's called hypereosinifila that is hard to pin down and diagnose, but it's serious.  we have to explore it. his rate double in three weeks. it won't change the course of treatment but it changes how aggressive we are. we will get that blood work back in two weeks when we see how the prescribed course of action is going. no surgery. it was the answer we were hoping for. and the last two days, man they feel right. it's that green light feeling that we are with the right people doing the right thing and my burden is lightening up. it feels right. those angels in the last post? i looked up, i made room for them, i listen for them. i can feel them.

what's the prescribed course of action?

a five food elimination diet. we eliminate dairy, eggs, wheat, soy, nuts in any form. an aggressive round of steroids to calm the GI tract down and to see if it improves the eosinifil rate. every time we reintroduce one of the foods, we follow up with blood work and a GI scope. is it chronic or acute? time will tell.  today, he started the steroids which should take 2 weeks to notice improvement. we are praying he responds to it and his rate goes down. please don't google this and talk to me about it.  when scott got off the phone with dr jones this week, he spent the day at the hospitals medical library. he came home solemn and said, "what a miracle that you asked that question. i don't want to think where we would be if we let this go untreated." and so i won't google it. i will take it day at a time.  we have dr jones cell number and his urging to call with any questions.  that's healing. that's organic medicine. today i called the nurses line because i remembered my best friend who had lupus could never go in the sun because of the steroids. i wondered if i should keep him out of the sun. also, someone was telling me a coconut was a nut and i shouldn't give it to easton. i had grandiose dreams of ice cream with coconut milk and oil to fatten him up. dr jones called me back 25 minutes later to tell me what to expect and that the FDA classifies coconut as a nut but it's a fruit and eat away.

we are calorie boosting as he is thin and this condition makes it hard for him to absorb nutrients. his blood work shows his deficiencies. i bought a juicer, with every piece of produce in costco accompanying me home. i'm a mother on a mission.

this is long, it is detailed and erratic but there's a point to it.

i have an inbox full of emails. i have texts waiting to be responded to. i have a phone that rings with concern. we put our pride aside and asked for help. we have prayed for a miracle. loved ones, you are our miracle. it is faith that proceeds the miracle. ours wasn't enough. i can't express the overflowing gratitude that seems to burst from me at times. i have been so touched to see genuine concern and faith expressed for easton. god's hand. we have been on a ride. and this particular ride is slowing down.  i hope i can cultivate and keep this feeling with me. the feeling of hard things and how it reminds me of home. that closeness we feel when we realize that bended knee offered to calm the turbulence is what this life is about. yes, that line my friend jen said from my last post about the lord orchestrating our education, it has imprinted on my mind.  this is our education. it is not a mystery, it is the answer.  thank you from the bottom of our hearts for everything that was offered to receive and be aware of this miracle. love is what it's about, we are forever grateful. thank you!!

new normal

today is day 39. 39 days since easton got sick, really sick. the kind of sick that sends the red mother alarm off. blaring. flashing.

when motherhood grabbed me with that first maternal inclination, i remember well the thought of panic setting in. grayce was a new baby and the responsibility hit me upside the head and down the other. i remember the distinct thought that it would be 18 years before she could be out of the house and that heavy feeling might leave.  of course that was soon replaced with and eternal well of love. love that surprised me. i was entranced by it, by loving her and wanting 900 babies to love and feel that love from.

when your baby gets sick, it brings such a wide variety of emotions. the love is so perfect and so pure. in some ways, when everyday you are waiting for your child to turn a corner, it seems everything stops. the days no longer count, the measures of time seem loud reminders of when your normal was disrupted. that feeling of love is magnified, explosive because it's all you have to aid this baby in the pain and in the journey.

it all sounds so dramatic. all those emotions over a little boy who is sick. but that maternal instinct is so fierce.  there was one visit to the ER in particular that scott and easton had to go all alone. it was a result of an on call GI dr not calling our pediatrician back for five days. our pediatrician told us to force their hand. i was fed up with our medical system. if we were given one more colon cleanse, i was going to knock some heads together to the tune of a fierce beat. it we were told one more time a sentence containing "wait it out" and "virus", there was going to be someone who would hear it from me. hibernation for mother bear was over. we were 17 days in. i was done living day to day, done with no answers, done with begging for a GI specialist to see us. done. i am the mother and i knew deep in my bones by day 5 that something was not right in his body.  it took 24 days from onset to get to a specialist. the poor kid has gone rock hard on one side guarding because the pain is so intense. he is hunched over and moves slow.  sometimes it goes away, sometimes he vomits. every night its hours to get his body calmed down to sleep, and all night it's tossing and turning. all night. 39 nights. 6 ER visits, 8 lab visits, 4 ultra sounds, 1 CT scan, 5 prescriptions, at least 40 phone calls, psychologists, GI's, immunologists, allergists, and we still don't really know. one dr called today with a lab value that doubled in three weeks over a certain number that means it's possibly more than the severe allergies we discovered in the skin tests and the GI scope needs to be done sooner. when i asked what it could be, he tried to describe it simply saying its benign whatever it is but it's an indicator of something that's yet to be discovered of an abnormal production in the body that could take six months to figure out and watch. sigh.

am i learning? am i taking the opportunity? am i looking up? 

i'm pretty sure brian kershisnik got it right in this painting, lift your eyes my heart tells me on the days my heart is broken for this kid, lift your eyes. i want this painting 50 feet by 50 feet so i don't forget what it does to me when i see it.  it feels like a deep truth in my heart.

 i read this concept from a friend's blog who has been recently diagnosed with breast cancer at a very young age. she was talking about the game of what if i have cancer? the process she went thru upon discovering a lump and waiting for the results. here is an excerpt:

This turned into a bit of a What About Bob moment (i.e.  Bob:  There are two kinds of people in this world those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t.  My ex-wife loved him.  Dr. Marvin:  You mean to tell me that you are a  paranoid multiphobic personality, but she didn’t leave you? You left her because she likes Neil Diamond?)  OW…OW….  My moment was kind of like “You mean I have been putting all of my efforts, reading books, making plans, spending most of my time caring and nurturing these children and I am disposable?  I can at best be taken out of commission for a while as a mother and at worst be taken to the other side???  So maybe, they don’t really need me as much as I think they do?  Though I have always looked at motherhood as a joint effort with God; I realized more than ever that it is His work and His glory---to help these children achieve their full potential and return to live with Him.  He is at the helm, not me.  I can be a useful instrument in his hands as a mother, but He is not depending on me.  I am depending on Him!!!  My children are depending on Him—and He will orchestrate their education  and mine in mortality in a way that is best for us.  Also, I realized more fully that where I fall short as a parent, the Savior's grace is sufficient for them and me. 

have i shown easton that we are depending on him? have i shown him that no matter what the doctor tells us, this is all temporary but the learning we do from these trials is eternally vital? 

i was lamenting over my strawberries the other day, half dead and lifeless. i had amended the soil, watered faithfully, and yet they were dying.  the rains came thru with cold temperatures and as i watched for days i was quite sure the vision of strawberry jam would be put to rest and that there was no way could they survive the multiple days of awful weather. they went into the rain compromised and weak.  after four days i was amazed to see the leaves a vibrant green and more blossoms than i could imagine.  the vines were spreading and by george, we might be able to eat from our garden this year.  the thought struck me so deep that the harsh weather was exactly what these strawberries needed to make them beautiful and productive.

and so i will lift my eyes, be grateful for the rain, and remember that we are depending on him.

*if you want to read more about my friend jen and her unselfish documentation, you can go here. every post i read of hers i feel like i'm reading a conference talk. she is unmatched in her eternal vision and doctrinal interpretation.*

looking for miracles

i'm in charge. usually.  i coordinate, i plan, i write lists, and more lists, i make meal plans, cleaning plans, dish out jobs that need to be done, carpool, and on and on.  i am in charge of a lot of things to keep my little household running. in the midst of the bustle, i take more credit than i should about being in charge. i feel like i have had a few reminders about being in charge that have really helped me.

the last month has put some hair on my chest and some contributors are strep throat, stomach flu, emergent surgery for easton for a hernia repair, a trip to the hospital twice to rule out appendicitis for easton, my ever abounding female hormonal problems (last months PMS episode mimicked a blood clot in my calf, the list of things that happen before i cycle is unreal and gets stranger every month. i have never ever looked forward to a monthly visit so much to relieve the craziness, the symptoms dissipate within hours of cycling. TMI, i know), and little easton who just can't get over a stomach bug (we are on day 9 and under a doctors watchful eye and a trip to the hospital).

i had my breakdown yesterday. i was headed to church and had some responsibilities there that called for a list of organization and cooperation. the list didn't include easton taking a bad turn as we were trying to get there on time. i had to call the doctor again, go over symptoms and protocol and what to look for. scott ended up getting someone to cover for him so he could take him up to the hospital. my tears started as i pulled up to the church house 10 minutes late and realized i only had one side of my face with make up on it and my dress wasn't ironed. my hair was neglected because of the turn of events and i broke.  the bishop was the first person i saw and immediately asked how easton was.  the dam broke. snot flying, mascara running down one side of my ugly crying face, the sobbing. the hall was filled with people looking at the spectacle. i have never done that in public before. i was absolutely mortified. everyone bustled around me to take over so i could go to the hospital with easton. but, i couldn't go.  i had to go home and cry for two hours. i was filled with fear and panic to say the least. i was also not feeling up to par as i had spent friday night throwing up all night and dealing with an incurable yeast infection i have had since christmas. it was one of those soul searching moments. i had to dig deep and find where my peace was going to come from.  i remembered this talk i had heard by chance as the channel was on BYU tv one morning and kept repeating to myself, don't shrink. don't shrink. and then the desperation of how do i not shrink? my son is in peril, his eyes are sunken, there is nothing i can do for him. it seems there is no end, no break in his pain and misery. there is no meal i can cook, no service i can do for him. my body is sub par and compromised and i feel insufficient right now, not shrinking seems impossible. i wanted desperately to give into that fear. then i had the feeling to listen to this talk from a few weeks ago. it was such a moment of clarity when i felt like someone was right there telling me what to do. i had to ask for a humble heart to realize that i needed to borrow some faith.  i had let the fear consume me to the point that i couldn't see an end to the monotony of the affliction. i repeated over in my heart, i do believe but please help my unbelief. i had to realize that my faith was short. i had gone thru this onslaught without relying on my faith, therefore missing the miracles.  everyday there are miracles and there is hope.  this being in charge business is tricky to balance faith sometimes.  i puff with pride and take credit for things that i should be looking up for with gratitude.

i had to sit in my bed with closed eyes and remember the things i do know. and then i recalled the miracles i have been missing. i was filled with just enough hope to press forward.

being aware of miracles i was so filled today when i went to a dental appointment with rowan.  i had noticed a few spots on his front teeth on the back that did not look good. i made an appointment for this morning and sure enough his thin enamel had broken thru and we were missing some spots obviously on the back teeth when we were brushing.  that little boy let the dentist use the drill without any numbing medication and fill the bad spots.  he sat completely still for 45 minutes while he drilled, poked, and filled.  i was overwhelmed by that little miracle. it saved us a trip to the surgical center. rowan didn't flinch once. as we were leaving dr ryan's office with a fistful of treasures, that cherub looked up at me and said, momma, that was fun, can we do it again? it was just the miracle i was in need of.

drama{tic}

 january can do some nutty things to a gal, but this thing might have been too nuts.  one day i had this really terrifying thought about my girls connecting their beauty to their long hair. we seem to grow hair like unwanted weeds around here, it just pops up uncontrollably. everywhere they go they get a comment about their hair.  i decided that i wanted them to realize beauty beyond what grows on their head.  i talked to them about change and beauty and about doing something great for someone else.  ella was right on board but grayce (whose hair turned a wavy mess with the onset of puberty) was slower to concede. somehow she jumped off this steep cliff with us.  Here we are, ready to take the plunge.......the girls right out of the shower, ready for change.

change is what we got! ella and i both coughed up 10 inches, while grayce left us in her dust...she came up with a whopping 14 inches!

grayce and i were on our way to new beginnings, hence the fluffiness ella was mad she didn't have!

two months in to it, here's my feeling on short hair. ITS A LOT OF WORK.  for grayce, it's perfect.  her length is just right, ella needs about 5 more inches, that's her perfect length.  i wish i would have cut 5 inches and changed my hair color.  i can't get away with only washing my hair every couple of days.  short hair is serious, you have to have a style, and the boho look doesn't work as well.  i had gone with a darker hair color in december and it was making my poor no sun skin looked washed out.  but, like i stated earlier, our hair grows like unwanted weeds. so this is a tragedy we will recover from.  next january i will buy a new top or a new pair of jeans.....

2, to, too, two

in october we celebrated with cake and candles, balloons and streamers. 2 years since heaven lent itself and our family expanded.

mild, calm, snuggler, dormant. complimented on all ends from every adoring, admiring friend about his content personality.

and somehow his lack of vitamin D in the form of bikes, sand boxes, and swings have led to my son being two.

my friend had twins that could sniff out a sharpie marker from a mile away at the age of two and plaster one another's faces in 15 seconds quick.  and so the sharpies were eradicated form every corner and nook of their home. only to find that they forgot one in the hidden tool box in the garage.... and again another week of black sharpie covered faces were presented.  the shame and anger i remember her going thru.  of course i was hysterical with every blood hound like hunt for the sharpie... it just kept on going.

cereal.  he can sniff out every piece in my house and spread it from top to bottom.  crush it, smash it, spread it, hide it for the next round. placed on the highest shelf that even i can't reach without  a stool, no use. showering has become a luxury unless shackles are brought out to keep him from next escapade.

liquid in any form.  whether it be the kind he produces or the kind he is given to drink. it is spread, spit, launched in any form. spread from here to there.  i fetched every secure cup possible to halt the chaos.  there is no cup he cannot conquer. IV's are the only thing i have not yet explored. just eating a meal is 1/2 hour clean up.  water spit at other kids while eating, soup dumped down the front of his body for decor, dripping down the table and soaking every crevice. why on earth did i think white cabinets were a good idea.? it's as bad of an idea as white carpet. really, poor. they are scoured once a week.

too.  to every pancake no matter how flat, there are two sides.  the other side of the two pancake are the squeezes around my neck.  he strokes my hair and says with admiration, "you hay fretty mama." or he will ask squealing, "you love me mom??" with his voice in total amazement. it gets me every time.

or how about when he watches his favorite show, NACCHOOO LIBRRREEE, and yells it, just like that.  his requests to wrestle in sacrament meeting can't be ignored and often i feel like someone should be dinging a bell with the last amen as i walk out slapped, punched, and wrestled....

his cousin of 3 months old was at his mercy the other day when the baby was in the swing and rowan was holding an adult size tube of toothpaste shoving it in his mouth. it was when the red tube of lipstick came out and he was instructing the baby, "this is lady paint, so pretty" that i had to laugh.  a three month old covered in bright red lipstick would have caused tears and i feel lucky i caught him before the first stroke went on.

this too shall pass. and one day, my heart will long for two.

my annual trek

to the city happened to fall in the christmas months. AND happened to be very last minute.  i knew i might talk myself out of it if it was too planned out, or some other health malady would keep me.  the list of crazy things happening in my body gets longer all the time BUT things are manageable. anyhow - i held up for this trip and crashed hard when i got home.  almost couldn't participate for christmas as i somehow had a piece of calcium come loose in my ear in all the travel.  my 33 year old self had to go see an audiologist and have a classic geriatric maneuver done to get my head from rocking like i was on a boat. it was quite the experience but totally worth being in the city with two dear friends.

i feel lucky to have some cool cats in my life.  one of them willing to drive to denver to get a published round trip fare to NYC for $120.  i am not so cool and said i would go but would be happy to pay more to fly out of SLC (im dumb like that).at one point there was an issue with a fare incorrectly printed and i was going all alone (it only lasted a few hours, but i went to bed thinking that i had booked a ticket and the other gals might not be coming).

emily blogged about the trip magnificently. i felt like we had a journalist on the trip and also committed to be better about the whole picture thing.

Day 1 - click here
Day 2 - click here
Day 3 - click here

Day 4 - click here

let me give you a recommendation that day 3 is something not to be missed. look for me and that part where my face met the pavement at the famous central park fountain in front of many, many spectators.  you can see where this idea of jumping and holding hands goes wrong for someone with legs half the length of the people on either side of you.  this picture caused us many nights of out of control giggling as we relived over and over my horrified face right before it meets the pavement.

the food.  we indulged in so many wonderful things. i can't even begin to describe the food let down as i come back to my little town and feel so deprived.  there are so many good things right at your fingertips in this city.  i wonder if on any trip i take to NYC i will ever have this madness die down. it's so deep in my soul my love affair.  i am already planning my next trip.  the hotel we stayed at was an absolute find and the best kept brooklyn secret.  we were literally 5 minutes away from times square.  the free taxi service was awesome and you can't beat $200 a night thru booking.com..hollah!


i love nothing more than to be with good solid women that i love and admire.  maybe my NYC obsession has to do with these wonderful women who indulge me each year.  i learn so much from them. i am incredibly blessed with amazing women that surround me and i never tire of gleaning from their goodness.

i also had this opportunity to look at all of these pictures of myself and do some serious evaluation.  i don't own a full length mirror and also don't consider any part of my closet "in". i barely scrape by in the fashion department.  i am embracing the fact that i have short legs and a squatty body.  emily pointed out that it might be because i am comparing myself to two girls with freakishly long legs. this thought i came across last week said "comparison is the thief of joy". this has made me look at the pictures and simply embrace.  embrace the fact that i look a whole lot like my brothers.  sometimes this makes me feel not feminine.  i am determined to add some more feminine pieces to my wardrobe.  also, i am fine with my weight.  yes, it tends to gather round the nether region despite any effort i put into it, but that's a part of me. i am determined to figure out the things that i can wear that suit my body type.  also, day 4 makes me look completely like franklin the turtle and if my scarf was fashionable i would be okay with the turtle look.  however, a fleece scarf is in no way fashionable. at all.  things like that. i am going to work on so i don't get so critical and down on my looks.

case in point:

hey yo homies! bumble bee day - the salesman convinced me that this hat was chic.  i look like jerry seinfeld from the bee movie.

example #2 - hamburger anyone? i was feeling the shake shack love this day i guess, because i look like a hamburger (with dirty clothes and hair- because my luggage hadn't come yet.)

 this i submit as the dirty hamburger eating world's best dumplings. really. not only nice but world's best.


sherry dubbed this the ear eating picture, but for some strange reason, it's almost my favorite picture of the trip. emily absent is the reason why it can't be my favorite.


and with that said - this is my favorite picture of the trip. there's nothing like a real time moment such as one right before your face meets pavement to let you know what humble pie tastes like.......

2012 Seasons Greetings and Reflections

 Sometimes I try real hard to conform and such.  BUT. I can't get it together for the whole Christmas Card situation. Here is my offering, slight as it might be.  I feel incredibly and overwhelmingly grateful to have spent 2012 surrounded by such wonderful people.  2012 has been filled.

Yesterday I was reflecting with my sister and we had the most wonderful conversation about the concepts concerning mourning, compassion, and curiosity.  Sometimes I think we confuse our need to help and be compassionate, selfishly with curiosity.  We look at someone else's trial and feel the need to help.  Sometimes we selfishly feel like we need to know details of someone else's crisis or trial in order to help.  We need to tell our neighbors about someone else's crisis or trial to make OURselves feel better.  2012 gave me the opportunity to see how we mourn with those that mourn. We extend just enough mercy that our curiosity is curtailed.

I watched a clip of Robbie Parker's press conference.  At the end of his sobering offering to the media, he was asked what his last minutes were like with his sweet angel.  I saw his heart pierced with pain from the inappropriateness of that very personal question and in seconds this overflowing mercy he extended to the reporter.  He shared what those last moments of earth life were like for him and Emilie. 2012 taught me that asking any kind of a question in crisis to this dad is inappropriate and not compassionate.  Compassion would never have asked questions.  Compassion would have been a listening ear.  Compassion would have been letting him keep those last moments sacred and for himself. This man knows what mercy is. I have come to gain a better understanding of what quality people I have been blessed to mourn with and be loyal to.  It has taught me the error of my selfish curious ways with a determination that I won't forget what 2012 brought into our lives. I am determined to explore and extend mercy more fully in my life.

For the lighter offering of this Holiday Theme, I will update you on this family of mine.  That good red head got himself some hobbies this year.  It was about time.  Hobbies should never include writing prescriptions and giving neuro exams.

I talked him into this Jeep he had been eyeing and now he fancies himself on finding "parts" for this jeep of his.  I never ever knew that a car could be a hobby. Turns out that jeeps are a lifestyle.  We enjoyed many summer nights with ice cream cones dripping down our faces and the wind blowing in our hair at sunset. I will emit the gory details about how he got a bad deal on one of those Jeep parts and how the fabric top kept hitting back seaters in the head. He has also got himself a bow - think Robin Hood.  Arrows and practice are required for this deal and he has yet to come up with the purpose of it all other than a hobby.

I confess that he gets better with time and am so glad he is mine.  He has played the part of super hero this year filling in the major gaps our year has left us. I can't possibly imagine how another Christmas can come and how I can enjoy it any more with him and then life always surprises me and every year it is possible.

 Grayce - 11. pre-teen and proud of it. the battle is beginning. that picture up top was chosen as "the one" because that good red head of mine looked at it and stated he wanted something with his pre-teen hugging her dad without being asked framed and on the mantle.  She is fun and happiness.  She is tease and attitude. In this family picture, every single item of clothing is from my closet down to the boots. Having a daughter who still boasts the 95% for height will always be a mystery to this short mother.  She has blown us away with her desire and drive to keep at that singing talent and I am quite sure I will pass out from nerves every single time she sings a solo.  She got to record a song in a studio with her voice teacher before he moved away in August.  She sang a duet with him and it was such an honor to watch her with those head phones on with twinkling eyes taking in that studio. She is bound and determined that NYC will be in her future for 2013 and has been diligently saving up money so that she can be included in my annual excursion. By darn, I think she is going to do it.

Easton - 9 the end of this month.  He will always continue to amaze me with his old soul.  He is starting to act more the part of a brother this year by the occasional poke, tease, and torture.  It makes me happy as he was far too behaved for his own good.  He has held his sports torch high by racing to read the sports section of the newspaper every single morning and memorizing every stat over cereal. He has been playing more sports and talking less, which is a good thing for the sanity of those who live with him.  He has loved finally being in the third grade and having permission to spout those times tables he memorized in kindergarten.  At the beginning of the year, he started to read the Book of Mormon in his free time at school and was to 3 Nephi by March.  We were shocked and amazed and inspired to do better at scripture reading.  Our Bishop challenged us to read the Book of Mormon this year and boy howdy, he got on that one all on his own.  His proudest accomplishment is that of the mullet he sports.  I tried to hide it in these pictures but his grandpa McKay teases mercilessly that he is going to get his Young Women's medallion if he doesn't cut it.  He did recently take 3 inches off the mullet and boy is he proud that his is still longer than any of the teachers and priests in the ward.

Ella - 6. This little girl continues to amaze me with her determination and zest for life.  She has blossomed in Kindergarten.  The first day of school she came home and told me that she went to the principals office.  I was mortified and grilled her endlessly about why.  She was telling me it had something to do with her friend and a line of kids and I could not make sense of this.  I stewed about it for days asking her what he said to her and what her teacher said about going there as she told me her teacher had her go there.  Finally I got brave and asked her teacher.  She laughed and said that everyone went to the principals office, they went on a tour of the school.  I have chuckled about this more times than I can count. She is quite the girl.  She is an artist, spending hours on end at the art table she got for her birthday.  We have regular piles of these amazing creations. I was watching her in her classroom the other day and was amazed at the confidence she has around people. I watched her in these little groups and saw all the kids watch what she did and they all followed.  It scared me near to death to recognize her leadership skills and then I eased up a bit as I saw she was making good choices and showing kindness at the same time. she is such a gem in our family.

Rowan -2. Angel. Really.  There are no words to express his light in our family. He is kind and patient.  He heals and glues all of us together with this amazing ability to calm and assure.  If you are having a bad day, come for some Rowan love and he will make you feel pretty important.  He is also sporting a mullet at his brother's request and is proud to tell you about his "muwet hair tut".  He has each one of those siblings on a tight string.  He has taken the lead from Easton and loves all things sports.  His favorite thing to do is watch games.  More recently WSU Basketball games.  Oh how he lights up when we tell him it's game night.  He squeals, he yells "go team" and loves when they score a basket. Walking into the arena sounds like we have a baby pig with us. He gets crazy happy and squeaks to his hearts content. He is amazing as far as watching games.  He will watch an entire game while making someone feel loved and sitting on their lap.  He loves nursery and loves to tell me about the snack every week.  He is blossoming and it is such a privilege to watch.  He melts my heart daily as he wraps those chubby arms around my neck and says "love you mom".  His naps are one of the highlights of his day as he religiously tells me everyday after lunch that he is a tired boy and needs his crib. He is so much like Easton was at this age and I just can't believe DNA could be so similar.

I love this family of mine and feel really blessed to be sharing Christmas with them.  They make me a better person everyday.  They are what life is about. I love being around them and feel like we have reached such a  high point in family life.  Young enough to still love us yet old enough to clean toilets - Hoorah!!

a gift idea for you

right after graduate school was finished and we started earning a paycheck, we were faced with a gifting dilema. instead of having a few beans as an offering as a christmas gift to family, we had some actual real money.  we didn't know what to get family.  as the siblings on my side talked, we decided to pool our money for our dad and have it go towards a plane ticket to alaska (my brother lives there and he wanted to get up to see him).  We had a good sum of money from the 6 of us.  it required an envelope to hold it all.  as christmas time drew near, we became aware of a family that was in need.  my brother devin was working at the ogden DI at the time.  on christmas, as we gathered around and exchanged gifts, my dad opened his envelope.  instead of that wad of money was a note that said something to the effect of: "we had money in here to go towards a plane ticket to visit cam.  it was a good amount.  devin told us of a family he worked with. they were in need and we decided that if you taught us anything as kids, it would be that the money needed to go to that family instead. thank you for teaching us the real meaning of christmas."

it was a very touching christmas celebration as we honored my dad and his gift of teaching to us.

every year we try to donate our money we would spend on each other to a good cause.  this year i was feeling empty. as our own little family, we adopt a child from the child abuse utah program (they are in the shelter for christmas) and provide a christmas morning for them.  we were able to help out a good deal with the missionary efforts for our church a few months ago. but there was nothing screaming christmas to me.  it's tricky to get that green light feeling.

today when i woke up and got this email, i knew that this would be our family giving gift this year.  scott was on a flight with rachel a few months ago and felt really inclined to get involved with their families efforts to help send off missionaries for our church in guatemala.  you can read about it HERE.

she talked about a perpetual fund to help the people that they were worshipping with and i was head over heels with this great idea.  feel free to click HERE to read about it.

and sorry for ruining the surprise of your gift mcfarlane's, but i had to pass this on to others looking to do the same thing. merry christmas!

repeat

we are in that phase with my toddler.  explosive learning is taking place.  words learned often tend to be repeated, repeatedly. as in over and over.  only a mother can appreciate this phase.  while my video on the previous post demonstrates this point, maybe that will give my story credit.

while in the midst of sunday sacrament worship, rowan let it be known that his tummy was sick.  tummy sick, over and over.  within minutes he lead the chorus with melodic tones in his voice ringing out "i'm poopin" over and over.  we are quite past the binky phase and so i desperately stuck my finger in his open jaw - kind of like you would a puppy, to quiet the chorus, all to no avail.  he is no dummy. he saw the rows in front of us and the ones behind us with red faces and giggles leaking out.  he knew his song was first rate with that reaction, and so from our bench the song of praise heard was "i'm poopin, i'm poopin".

sorry bishop.

standard

there is rarely diversion at my mother's thanksgiving feast.

let me tell you what will happen tomorrow.

I will make holiday salad:

Butter Lettuce (a must and a luxury)
Good Season's Italian Dressing (Follow all directions on the package but use Balsamic Vinegar instead of regular vinegar)

On your beautiful butter lettuce greens, top with the following:
grapefruit segments (you can buy pre-segmented grapefruit at costco in the cold section in little cups)
avocado sliced into small square chunks
whole, fresh raspberries
shrimp - tail off, deveined, thawed and cut up into about 3 pieces per shrimp. remember to always buy frozen shrimp in utah or states where you are not close to a freshwater body.
nut of your choice- you can sugar pecans, do sliced almonds but i usually stick to salted cashews
gorgonzola or blue cheese,  we have also used swiss shredded

Layer those beautiful, colorful toppings on your butter greens and I promise you will feel holiday oozing out every pour of your little body!

And my mother will make turkey in a pot.  Once we tried this recipe, we can't go back to the big bird.  It seems sac-religious on Thanksgiving, but give it a try and you will also convert.

Turkey in a Pot:
1 boneless Turkey breast (3-4 pounds) {this time of year at costco they sell a boneless, seasoned, fresh turkey breast in the cold section- not frozen.  they only carry them for a few weeks. i have 9 in my freezer. they are wonderful gems. about $11 per breast and that will serve my family of 6 w/ leftovers. run! their time is almost done}
1 can (16 oz.) whole cranberry sauce
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup apple juice
1 TBSP cider vinegar
2 garlic cloves minced
1 tsp ground mustard
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground cloves
1/4 tsp ground allspice
2 TBSP all purpose flour
1/4 c cold water
1/4 tsp browning sauce-optional ( i have never used it)

Place turkey, skin side up in 5quart slow cooker. ( i tried the oven once and it failed miserably) Combine the cranberry sauce, sugar, apple juice, vinegar, garlic, mustard, cinnamon, cloves and allspice; pour over turkey. Cover and cook on low for 5-6 hours or until meat thermometer reads 170 degrees.

Remove turkey to cutting board; keep warm. Strain cooking juices. In a saucepan, combine flour and water until smooth, gradually stirring in strained juices.  Bring to a boil, cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. Stir in browning sauce if desired. Serve gravy with sliced turkey.

It always happens that two weeks before the event my mother seems open to suggestion.  She will make you think you can make the sweet potato souffle, rolls, or other big ticket items.  Days before, she will relinquish your assignment and tell you to bring a pie.  I will get my standard salad and appetizer assignment. It happens every darn year.  Then, my husband will fight for the right to do dishes.  They will fight and he will grab a spatula out of her hand and send her to bed for three days as she has done every single thing.  She will rally shortly so we can go on our thanksgiving walk to which only a few of us will go on. We will come home and snuggle up to "It's a Wonderful Life, and Holiday Inn". Scott and my kids will retreat to the basement to watch their shows and we will rouse for sandwiches as the sun sets. so completely predictable and so utterly wonderful.

Happy Thanksgiving

In my effort to make your day happy, I felt so inclined to pass on my favorite pie recipes!

One of my best friends Brooke passed this pie recipe on to me.  It is a superb apple pie, which I didn't know I needed in my life.

Brooke's Apple Pie

Yield 2 Pies

4 c. flour

1 3/4 c veg. shortening

1 TB sugar

1 t. apple cider vinegar

1 egg

1/2 cold cold water

2 t. salt

mix dry ingredients in a bowl. mix wet ingredients in a separate bowl.  Combine ingredients. ( i use my hands to mix pie dough. if it gets over mixed it won't be flaky. you can better gauge with your hands when it is incorporated)

Roll into a ball in wax paper (or whatever you have on hand, i have used a lg. plastic baggie) for 15 minutes in the fridge.

Yield 2 pie crusts (if cooking only pie crust cook at 350 degrees from 15-20 minutes. if cooking with pie filling, directions to follow)

Apple Pie filling

5-7 tart apples (granny smith's work best)

slice and dice to your taste ( i personally like smaller pieces of apples in my pie )

mix together:

1/2 c sugar

3/4 t cinnamon

coat apples once you have mixed the sugar and cinnamon.

topping:

1/3 c sugar

3/4 c. flour

6 TB butter at room temperature

mix together with a pastry blender or fork.

Assembly:

Roll our your pie crust (2). Put in pie tins. Pour coated apples in crust. Sprinkle topping over apples.

Cook at 400 for 30-40 minutes or until apples are soft.

And, for my favorite Thanksgiving pie, Lisa's Razzleberry fits the bill.  I dated Lisa's little brother in high school and dreamed about this pie for years after the break up.  I finally got the courage to ask her for the recipe.  She ever so kindly obliged and I will be forever grateful.  I can attest to eating much of Lisa's amazing food.  She is a wonderful person and a fantastic cook! Thanks Lisa!

I have to tell you that this recipe yields 5 pies.  They can be frozen and taken out and baked as needed (which is my favorite thing about this recipe!!).

Razzleberry Pie

Hope you all stuff your faces to the brim!  My cute redhead joined a biggest looser competition at work and lost 18 pounds in preparation for the Holidays.  He was bound and determined to win.  I don't know if you have ever met my husband, but his definition of overweight is 165 pounds.  He was able to get down to the 140's so he could enjoy the holidays without guilt.  I told him that the last week of the competition he was going to have to amputate a leg to win.  He somehow pulled off loosing 4 pounds, sadly he did not win, but he is determined to enjoy the holidays!

glimpses

today i had a whole load of things to get done.  one of them not included was recovering from a UTI. well, i guess i had one.  the PA here told me all of the symptoms i had for a week probably wouldn't go away unless i had an antibiotic.  turns out, 24 hours into the antibiotic, he was right. who knew they could be so mean? sheesh. one of the items was taking my pre-teen to the doctor for her immunizations so she can enter the junior high next year.  i was dreading this more than the UTI. she recently had a plethora of blood work done that about did her father in.  she has been diagnosed with anxiety and these needles didn't help the situation...at all.

so, i head into the doctors office with three kids.  easton was off to an indoor soccer game that scott was off early enough for to take him to. i almost felt like a normal family where the father has some flexibility to help with those kids he made. almost, except the part where the pediatrician was behind and we had to miss the whole game entirely.  but a whole circus unfolded in the office that i would like to recount.

grayce is sent to the back office to take a teen mental health survey in which she had to be alone in a room to take.  after she comes out, we waited an hour.  in eleven years of taking my kids to the best pediatrician in the whole world we have never waited that long- so i took it in stride.

rowan has this thing that happens every time we enter the dr's office.  every. time. he loads his pants.  every.time.  and usually if i change him straight away, he will do it again. so i left it thinking after the hour wait, we were the next ones up. turns out it was a crazy afternoon at the dr.s office.  grayce is told her shots will be first as you have to be watched for 15 minutes after one.  she starts bawling and howling like a wild animal.  i am shocked and am holding in my giggles.  ella is relentlessly making fun of her. relentlessly. calling her a baby and all.  finally, two nurses hold her down.  i keep reminding her that these are the same nurses that gave her her baby shots and that they loved her. it didn't help.

once calm, ella told me my breath smelled like poop loud enough for the whole office to hear. it was embarassing. i told her she needed to use the restroom.  she was scaling the walls with her shoes and teasing grayce non stop, it was a clue.  after a few minutes of her not being back, i run out to check on her.  she has locked the door and can't get out.  she has alerted the nurse and she is trying to get it open.  this has never happened before. ella is no dummy, but can't for the life of her remember how she locked it despite our instructions on how to get out.  finally, after 10 minutes the nurse finds the key and a life of toiletry is rescued. she was so worried her kindergarten teacher would never know she was living in the toilet.

the only thing that saved us after two hours of waiting was watching rowan's lapse of accents.  we had hung out with our aussie family members the night before and we can only believe that he was influenced pretty heavily by 9 folks talking so strangely! our entertainment came from asking him to say - ah popped it! over and over again.