Wednesday, July 15, 2015


i don't know if there are words to describe what the last 9 months have been like for me. i don't think i have the capacity to describe it all or to bring it all together with a blog post but i would like to try and pen the feelings that have been surrounding us with the entrance of this sweet baby.

i think i have brought sufficient attention to my misery to anyone surrounding me at any point during the past 9 months. it was hard to be around anyone because i didn't want to ever be accused of being ungrateful. but a few minutes with me and my mid section and you would indeed be hip to the misery. there was no quote, or self help book, or richard simmons move that would help the suffering lift. purely survival.

so the dr suggests a start date of may 13. he said this to me at about 34 weeks acknowledging that it will be very likely i won't make it until then as he watches me get tense about every 3-7 minutes. fine i say. very unlikely.

i go into survival. i don't tell anyone about the start date. i have major performance anxiety. majorly. i don't want to be a bother to anyone and it might have been i didn't even tell scott about the start date for a few weeks. no way was i going to have to be started, the contractions were so bad and so constant.

at 36 weeks rocky (the dr.) tells me, you made it! hooray! we did it! come up at any time, let's do this. any time the contractions get to be too much- come on up, i won't try to stop it. be careful he says, that baby's head is not where it should be and you have so much fluid. that baby could likely slide out. and then the cord was where the head was supposed to be and i was in a stew. but i felt this overall feeling of peace. and i tell myself over and over, i can do a few hours of misery to get this baby out. i can, i can. even a dire circumstance only takes a few hours to forge thru.

so may comes and i am so miserable i can't talk. if i do, i bawl or bark. and then my blood turns weak and i am a bleeder. there's a chance i might not be eligible for an epidural. and that is almost more than i can handle. i am maxed for miserable. go up, scott begs every 4 or 5 hour stretch of 3 minutes apart. no, that baby wasn't big enough last exam. he said that baby was only 6 pounds. i can do a few more days and hope for a few more ounces on this baby.

may 12th comes and i have told no one. well, i told grayce i had some blood work early in the morning and could she stay home from school to watch rowan. the night of may 12th comes and we get kids to bed and then get some things together. my sister in law has offered to photograph the birth and scott tells me it would be horrid of me if i didn't tell her. so i confide late the night before. she says she will be ready for the call. maybe by dinner i tell her and grayce can watch your girls.

we check in the next morning and they tell us we have to wait. didn't we get their message at 5:15 am? no, we were hustling. they tell us go eat breakfast, go wander for a few hours.

so we wait. i am so sick. literally. my throat has been on fire for a few days and my stomach is not happy. not happy at all.

finally, it's 9 o'clock.

by ten i am hooked up, anti-biotics dripping as i tested positive for strep B. four hours and then they will break my water. the nurse comments that i am already contracting quite regularly and being that it's my fifth she will only give me the lowest dose of pitocin for fear of delivering before the 4 hour mark. they don't want anything happening before that 4 hour mark.

i have so much fluid that when they try to put the heart rate monitor on for the baby, it won't stay, anywhere. i am so round that it flips off in any position. they have to monitor the heart rate. so for the day, i held this monitor. there is so much fluid, that i have to press deep into my skin to get a heart rate. plus, all that fluid made for a circus act for this baby. this baby is twirling and whirling around. it worked rather brilliantly as a distraction for me. between being in and out of the restroom from the fluids and the heart rate tracking, time seemed to go by quickly. by eleven o clock i decide we should call my mom. school will be out early this day and i need someone to grab the kids and bring them up to the hospital. 

i call my mom who has promised to stay close until i have the baby. she doesn't answer. i call her house, i call her cell phone. after a bit of this i call my dad. i am a bit panicked and my plan has back fired. he tells me she is at the payson temple open house with her friend who is investigating the church and she has obviously left her phone at home. payson is not close to ogden if you are having a baby. my dad agrees to grab kids from school when it's time. 

12:30. the dr checks in. i am still a 4. still at what i came in at. i can't progress until my water breaks. the head is crazy high but it is a head. he tells me he will be back at 2 to break my water. 

at one the anesthesiologist comes in. it happens to be one of our friends and one of the partners in scott's group. at first this made me feel relieved but then a little strange. i don't cart scott around naked to my friends. like how should i feel about this at the next company christmas party? it's for sure a strange life when you are married to a medical professional. i can't think about things too much. the epidural was amazing. the mix tim did for me was so good i felt everything and so good i didn't feel anything. i was walking soon after and had no after birth or back issues, it was such a blessing.

at 1:50, rocky walked in and got to work. by 2:00 he had hooked my water.

there were 15 weeks of anticipation leading up to this moment. i dreamt of the relief that would come. i cried myself to sleep many nights praying for this relief. 


nothing. a little trickle. i had prepared the nurse for a flash flood, i was atop loads of towels with plenty on hand. she could see my devastation and checked me and found the baby's head was down enough that there was no way the water would all come out at once.

a few minutes into this and this crazy horrific pain right where my placenta had attached starts. it happened a few times during long stretches of contractions or whenever i was sitting in a chair that wasn't my recliner. all i can describe it as is a charlie horse in your gut. it was the closest pain to kidney stones i have ever had. it felt like something was being ripped apart inside of me. this was the second time during the labor that this happened and the nurse was growing nervous this time. there was some bleeding with it and also the baby's heart rate was dropping with the pain. and then there was a large gush. the flash flood i had prepared her for was happening. the gushing, the relief. everything. but this pain.

and then suddenly, it stopped after 20 minutes and the nurse checked me. i was a 10 and ready to go. she is paging the doctor and i am having scott call my sister in law and mom. hurry, we tell them!

i am in so much shock and disbelief.

there is rushing around, and running, and paging, and supplies, and in walks the doctor.

he is calm and ready and had a little smirk. he knew i would go fast but not this fast he says. we decide to face time the kids so they can be a part of the delivery. scott has the camcorder in one hand, his phone by the top of my head, and the DSLR around his neck. 

one push.

ginger hair! red hair rocky says!


one more push mom and this little ginger baby will be here.

once more and out flies this bright headed baby that is making all of the right kinds of ruckus. he holds her up and thru my tears i ask, what is it?

he gently lays this baby on my body and says, you tell us mom.

i look and take her into my arms.

it's a girl, i cried, and my cheeks are wet with all of the things this world hasn't given words for.

and the kids, they screamed, and cheered, and whooped, and hollered.
and there are tears streaming down my face.

and she is perfect and it is over. and her hair is red.

and at the moment, i knew what i knew for a long time. she was meant to be and waited so patient. 

she is golde. (the original 1800's spelling of goldie)

golden hair, golden eyebrows, golden lashes.
fair skin.

i can see ella in her coloring and grayce in her dimples. i can see the christensen side in her and the mcfarlane genes. attribute certain things to scott's family.
and i know she is ours.

the joy and relief are palpable.

the nurse wipes a few of her own tears away and the doctor tells us those cheers are something he will never forget. he quietly goes to work stitching and repairing.

and after a few minutes of skin to skin my sister in law rushes in and starts clicking away. i am all sewn together and then my mom and kids rush in.  

and suddenly the clock stops, the reuniting is all around us. there are questions and there is caution. and it is heaven. 

in all my living in 36 years, i don't know if there is more appreciation for a hard thing. i know that everything that matters on earth is in the room with me, both seen and unseen. everything it represents. for scott and i, it was setting aside our selfishness to be done doing hard things and opening our hearts to this little spirit, fresh in her body, and basking in this amazing love that surely drenches heaven.

she weighs in at 8 pounds 1 ounce. 

no way says the doctor. are you sure? that baby fooled us all, she was not measuring that big.

i am sure she was that big i say. yes, pretty sure.

and the relief that leaves my body, scott's body, my mom's body is so palpable in the room. and at that moment, it was caught on camera.

ella is washed and ready and has been for 9 months. hand her over.

and then she has had her turn and she comes to my side.  mom, she whispers, it's twins! 
i look around to see if there has been another baby carted into the room. there is not. so it begs the question, why do you think that sis?
look at your belly mom! there's still another one in there!!
a discussion about the amazing ability of the muscle called a uterus ensues. it still takes weeks for her to believe this explanation.

easton has this cautious, gentle love for her.

my mom welcomes her 8th grand baby!
rowan is a giggler with golde. it took him some time to be convinced she was clean enough to hold. seeing her fresh was a little alarming for him!
my first and fifth girl. scott and i are still amazed coming from families with 7 brothers and only 1 sister between us that we have 3 girls!

grandpa alan was in town to meet golde girl!

the first few days were so magical. i could feel so profoundly that this girl is strong. she is fire, and life, and energy. she has a serious case of the mommies which i find incredibly appropriate for the trouble that proceeded her! she loves her time to eat, its not only her meal but her most favorite hobby if that's possible.

i pinch myself everyday.

the feeling that i keep having is that this is the crazy i have hoped for my whole life. i never could have dreamed our life would be so full. there is something so profound in my everyday since this baby has been with us. it's a reverence and deeper love and gratitude for a creator's plan that i haven't felt before. maybe it's age and maybe it's growth, but its peaceful. and its happy. and it's ours.


Sheena said...

Only tears of joy for your family... Such a wonderful reward

Deanna said...

Beautiful, as always, Heidi! So glad sweet Golde is here!

Megan said...

That was so beautiful. Thanks for the good kind of tears today! Love you and your family and can't wait to meet little Golde. ❤️

kate said...

She's so perfect! Just terribly happy for your family, and for you, to have your little Golde here safe and sound. What a joy! You captured your experience beautifully.

Iris said...

OH my goodness, congratulations! What an angel. :)

The Starving Inspired

Unknown said...

You are such a great writer Heidi! I was glued and I am so happy for you and your family💕💕💕

Billie said...

She is a little sweet blessing! I will share something interesting---a few days before she was born, I was in the Phoenix temple. One of the names I got was..Goldie. When my mom told me a week or so later she was born and what her name was, I thought no way! Heaven has interesting coincidences--the cycle of life. Many congratulations!!

i'm h.mac said...

Billie! I love that. What a sweet coincidence. bringing life into this world never ceases to show me how close heaven is to us. No doubt heavens hand connected us that way!

Ashley J. McFarlane said...

Loved reading this. Those pics make me tear up. And how is she 8 months old already??