Friday, August 31, 2012

when you go thru a learning spell in life

you have to document it.  you know, this is my place.  this little blog here is my space that i have been completely me in.  i don't punctuate, capitalize or always use proper english protocol too often because i loose the excitement of my story telling ways if i have to take time to think about miss smith from third grade and how she would have wanted me to do it.  putting pictures up would be helpful, and sometimes i do, but it mostly intimidates me.  this space has been all about words for me.  it has given some creative voice to that dominant right side brain of mine (left handedness rules!).

this leads me to acknowledge the immense happiness the relationships i have gained thru blogging have brought me. i have loved getting to know how the other side lives, even if it is seemingly ordinary and mundane.

this recent challenge i have been given has no doubt been hard, but the overwhelming kindness i have received has been so incredibly humbling.  like that day when emily ballard showed up at my house with boxes full of costco happiness. it had been so long since i had trekked to costco and she knew just what to buy. and then she swooped in and took my kids for hours on end. hours on end.  the strange part about all of this is that very rarely have i been able to lay down to get relief.  having a panic attack in bed is an oxymoron,  aching bones hurt when you lay on them, and heart flutters/palpitations get worse when you lay down. so, i was quite mystified as to what i should do while emily had my kids.  scott ended up being home (a rare night) and for a few hours we talked and were still.  we connected and talked about how hard this has been and how we are going to get thru it.

or how about when my friends, the ebbert's, decided to visit me for an entire day on their vacation where they had mounds of family to fit in and we got their whole first day plus a date night.  we were greeted with a box full of sunshine and rainbows she put together for me. it included all kinds of brightly colored treats and a sweet note. their time with us helped me forget about the fact that i had had a migraine that morning and had to miss ella's first soccer game. i was able to glean from their goodness for a whole day and know that i am going to be okay.  all is not lost.

or that time my mother took time out of her incredibly packed life to take my kids for me for the night.  she took them to the park, to get slurpees, and to do all kinds of other grandma activities. she gave them that attention and love i have had to work harder to do the past few months.

or when my friend saren was at my house the other night and took me aside, looked me in the eye and told me that she had been worried about me and really praying for me. it was so deeply sincere and kind and i could feel that concern and compassion from her.

or when my cousin kalee drove all the way from provo with three little kids to visit me for the day.  and how she didn't judge me when i pulled out a take and bake pizza for lunch. she talked to me all day and helped me relive our wonderful memories at yale that we shared together. and when she heard how much my little grayce loved to cooked, she sent her a cookbook in the mail that detailed 101 things to do with a cake mix. (our waistlines will never be the same!)

or that time when i opened my mailbox, and my friend kate sent me a family fun night box.  it was filled with beautifully packaged ice cream sundae toppings, a sweet note, and a movie to watch as a family. because that was an over the top thoughtful thing to do for someone you have come to know better thru blogging, especially when she lives clear across the country. and we had a family fun night. let me tell you.  and the whole time, i thought about how someone's deliberate kindness made that night a little more special.  knowing that somebody took the time realize that when you are in survival mode, family fun nights are a little trickier to come by.

or the time when my cousin billie jean (i have always longed for a name that MJ sang about) in london sent me a sweet message about feeling better and how i have been in her prayers.  she then proceeded to remind me of the long line of females in our family that have suffered for generations with thyroid dysfunction, migraines, blood disease, anxiety, auto immune disorders, and arthritis.  i think of my dad's grandma who was in bed for 18 years with thyroid disorders, migraines, and arthritis.  i was overwhelmed with that thought today.  18 years.  modern medicine has come so far, as has the age of information.  at my fingertips i can research all kinds of things and pray for guidance that i can know what to do to be a functioning mother again.  and thru finding a few things and sharing that info, get overwhelming emails from others saying that they have been on the same path and think this might help them as well.

at the end of the day, i have come to realize with this and so many other things in life, that a very kind and loving heavenly father drives that car of life if we let him.  sometimes i try to backseat drive.  i try to do everything to control the situation and to control the outcome.  the truth is, i can twist myself up in knots trying to control my life, that action heeds no progress.  the progress is achieved when i  take my proper seat in the car, realizing that i can't control a lot of things or feel guilty about them ( i often times try to convince myself that i did something or ate something to cause my health problems). i have to realize that even if i try to grab the wheel when i see that car of life going somewhere i don't like, it won't change the course, it will only change the ride i take.  and you know, i want a good ride.  i want a ride where i can enjoy where i travel, and what i see out my window. i don't want to become obsessed that the inside of the car is less than appealing or old, but that the car is taking me where i need to be with a really amazing driver and some pretty amazing stops and passengers along the way.


Kristy said...

You are a great and sincere story teller, Heidi. I can really relate with the whole "trying to be a backseat driver" thing. That really resonated with me today. Thanks for the reminder that sometimes we have to let the planner side of us go and hang on for the ride. Will keep you and your sweet family in my prayers.

emily ballard said...

I sure like your words and I sure like you.

Emily said...

I am sorry you have had such a rough few months. Thanks for sharing this story. It is a great reminder to look for small and simple ways we can show someone we care and to also remember that sometimes the Lord is the only one who knows the time frame of things and we just have to trust and have faith. Please let me know if you need anything. I would love to help with your kids, do a grocery run for you, or anything else you might need.

Deanna said...

I love your car analogy. Definitely something I can relate to (pretty much sums up the 12 1/2 years I spent trying to have babies!). Our visit with you was one of the biggest highlights of our trip and it made Todd and I so happy! We sure love you guys and keep you in our prayers. I hope that things continue to just get better and better!