Sunday, June 17, 2012

summation - if that's a word

i've turned into a monthly post kind of a gal which made me think that these posts should be called a summation.  then i thought that probably isn't a word so i took to wikipedia.  it is real, only it's a term used for math - a long version of sum. so these posts are a life summation.  how bout that?

this past month it seems life has pointed out exactly how old my children are getting which in turn makes me feel old.  the only year 3 of my kids will be in elementary together is coming up soon.  how did i grow to have THREE kids in school? i tell ella repeatedly that she cannot go to kindergarten.  she is my baby and cannot grow up.  i am feeling so lonely already.  she has grown leaps and bounds these past few months.  she is tough and kind and i love her until my heart aches.  she has taken up to hanging out with some grand kids of our neighbor who runs a "farm". his property borders ours and there are cherry trees to climb and eat from, strawberries to eat as you collect, and horses to feed with baby kittens to look after as well.  the ring around the tub at night is something for the record books.  no longer are we in a dress phase only but now there are not enough jeans for her closet. jeans, jeans, jeans, everyday jeans. don't be fooled because ella the woman is still in full force.  nails painted, jewelery adorned, and fancy things still are demanded daily. that temper is calming down and a wonderful, independent girl is coming out and it is a beautiful thing to see.

scott and i realized that it has been years since easton has played with toys.  he will put together a lego star wars toy every christmas to appease us, but he is 8 going on 25.  really.  he went to goblin valley with scott and the teachers in the ward for a few days and scott said that they boys played try to stump east(PN). they couldn't. i don't think there is one more sports fact for him to memorize.  we used to have a no sports talk on sunday to give me one days rest from something i have no clue about, but tonight i suggested a no talking rule period.  he has come up with non sport facts about sports players that he tries to squeeze in often. like, mom, labron james loves to read, maybe we should send him a book of mormon.  we are mourning our toy playing little boy and trying to embrace this mature adult trapped in a little boys body. he is kind and aware of so many things that seem beyond a boy going into 3rd grade.  he is my sweet boy.

grayce is going to be a sixth grader.  this hurts my heart.  i feel like i am in the front of a ride at disneyland that is scary and i want to turn around.  i am putting on a brave face and trying to think of all of those wonderful things that come with growing up but there are some tears held back often.  i have loved having daughters around. because scott and i had no experience with sisters it has been trial and error but it has been a good adventure too.  i have absolutely loved seeing grayce develop her beautiful voice the past two years.  she has been able to sing in so many venues (solos) and it has been so amazing to watch her perform such a variety of different classic music.  i never tire of that voice and the calmness she musters in such large groups to do what she loves.  she finally got her own room as we chopped the toy room in half and put up a wall to make a smaller playroom and a bedroom for her.  we now have 4 bedrooms and it feels like we have really arrived in life, really! (so silly)

little rowan.  well, he's not so little anymore.  just today he had to be taken from sabbath worship because he wouldn't stop biting and head butting me.  he has a streak of boy that easton had at this age.  i remember many times easton scratching someones face into bloody oblivion with the most innocent look on his face, over and over.  i remember having to glove his hands and tie them to his waist once to get thru a double stroller ride.  he turned out okay so i keep telling myself better trouble now then later, right?   he never tires of the reaction he gets when he launches his meal across the room or throws a large object at someones head.  mostly poor ella, but oh how he adores her.  lellalella is his favorite word and he follows her around with hopeless adoration all day long.  he is such a snuggle bug - i love little boys.  there is something so magical about them. really, i can't describe why it is different to love a little boy, but it is so sweet and so calming to me.  i am preparing for life with a two year old which means there might be ease with some things, but the mental battle is just being waged.

that redhead is eyebrow deep in church summer commitments and i often hoorah that we are at the four year mark being in the bishopric.  summers take on new meaning when you are to attend girls camp, teachers camp, youth conference and so on.  we are sneaking some summer adventures in there somehow but i am ready for a husband soon!  he has fallen in love with neurosurgery and his job seems like a dream most days.  he is best friends with his surgeon and loves waking up everyday.

i am on the mend.  it has been a very slow process filled with lots of blood work and even more hard days.  there is still no firm diagnosis other then some hormonal imbalances but it is getting better, little at a time.  i have taken the desperate route after being told that there is nothing significantly wrong with me after loads of blood work.  i am seeing two different chiropractors, taking two different approaches to getting better.  i have hope. there is this part deep inside that feels hopeful that life is soon going to return to a manageable way.  i have such empathy for people who battle chronic illness realizing that mine is hopefully temporary.  life can be so hard! i'm beyond glad for sweet faces to make days easier!


Deanna said...

I always love your posts, Heidi. I have had some of those same sad feelings lately watching my kids grow up. Turns our that there is middle school here in WI, so this will be Alia's last year in elementary school as well as a 5th grader and I am feeling beyond nervous about the next stage. Jr. High and High School were most definitely NOT my favorite stages of life and I don't feel ready to help steer my sweet daughter through those turbulent waters!!

I love hearing about all of your kids and you are an amazing mother with great perspective. I hope you're able to do a few fun things with Scotty this summer - I know how stressful all the church committments can be. My brother-in-law was just released as bishop (and had been counselors before that) and I think this summer is going to be the best for their family ever! Her voice sounds so much more positive every time I talk to her.

I hope that the chiropractic visits help you to make progress and I'm glad you are feeling some hope. I've faced a couple of those "there's nothing wrong with you" diagnoses before when life was absolutely unbearable and I don't think there's much more discouraging than that. Hang in there and know that I'm praying for you and hoping that things keep improving.

kate said...

heidi, i'm so sorry you're dealing with these health issues! i can't imagine how frustrating it must be for such a go-getter, do everything mom like you to have your strength taken right out from under you. have you been tested for Lyme's disease by chance? i know you lived right in the thick of Lyme's country and those symptoms sounded a lot like what my cousin has gone through with her Lyme's disease. sorry to throw another worrisome diagnosis possibility out there, i just know they often don't test for it in utah. whatever it is, i sure hope you find some helpful remedies and that you're feeling great again soon!