dont pick it up

i mentioned in my previous post that i was able to attend sabbath worship on sunday. this is an event that has been rare for me since early september due to our surprise. i don't know if i have ever had to miss too much due to pregnancy woes, but remember, i am old. i am a 35 year old woman with a full uterus and my glory, the 20's were meant for child bearing.

i was able to go to church. miracle. and the thing is i have been praying for for a while are that life would slow down and i would be able to plug in. i feel like we run, run, run. i am in charge of a schedule that has to be perfected with all of the obligations, events, and talents we are trying to cram into this busy season of life. i have longed for days with babies on my lap where our outing for the day was a walk around the block, a few good books, a close examination of the best afternoon snack, and devotion to a punctual, flawless bedtime routine. it has all been replaced with choosing the best things, priority given to each child's most earnest desire to nurture one specific talent at a time, and then - fitting in regular family things.

but i have stewed and worried about a baby fitting in with our madness. is it healthy, wise, fair to a baby? god has a funny way of calming troubled hearts.

there is nausea, Nausea, and then NAUSEA. I mean, i have had some. but this time. i had SOME. and i could hide it okay the first 6-7 weeks as long as no one was breathing within a 20 foot radius, or as long as no one had used an offensive hand soap, or...... well, you get the picture. and then the migraines started. and it's mostly a convoluted, long tale that i am glad is lifting but it was 5 weeks in a dark room eating apples and carrots. and a dark room would get the best of anyone after a while. there is a sinking despair when your most earnest prayer is for there to be a cloudy day so you can go downstairs and avoid where sun creeps thru certain rooms. and there is also some part where hope gets lost. early on, there were a few weekends spent down because it looked like i was loosing the baby. the doctors nurse was kind and gentle, offering to have me come up and have some blood tested or an ultrasound performed. but when i thought it thru, i knew that none of those things would save a pregnancy. so i prayed that if my body was able, this pregnancy could be saved. and that's when the migraines started. which translates to a significant shift in hormone production in my case, the very thing i needed. it's often interesting how the very things that seem to try us the most are the answers to our hearts desire.

in a dark room for a long time it wouldn't surprise anybody to think that i got nutty. i lost any social confidence i had (which isn't measured on any large scale to begin with), i became sad, depressed, emotional, and susceptible to immense negativity. i felt like everything was stripped away and worried that i would be locked up until spring. i lost my umph. i usually have enough umph and excitement about certain things for 3 people, but it was gone. my heart was so heavy. i felt myself slipping into a place with walls so high i couldn't see.

but then there was this small prayer that i could be normal, that a part of me could return.

i was sitting in a pew sunday when the speaker was reading an excerpt from the Chris Williams story: Let it go: A true story of Tragedy and Forgiveness. (there is a wonderful mormon message clip on it, or there is a book) he had just read Chris's reaction to feeling that his wife and unborn child had been killed, his other child in the back seat had been killed, but the child directly behind him was going to live. he described receiving the knowledge as factual versus emotional. then his eyes rested on the car in front of him that was tipped upside down. the one that had just struck his car at a high rate of speed, head on, killing all of these people, the driver in a drunken haze. he describes this voice as the voice of the savior, and it said, don't pick it up, let it go.

i have heard this story over and over. and over and over. it is an incredibly powerful story. i don't think any one person would say they are exempt from having thoughts of this scenario being their worst case.

and the thing that hit me the most was if this was the worst case, the worst possible event that anyone could imagine happening and the advice from a loving savior was to let it go, not to pick it up, why on this earth do i waste time everyday picking things up? if i really know that jesus christ has atoned for my sins, if i really know that he went to gethsemane and forged a new heart, specifically for me, plowing thru every emotion, trial, burden i will ever feel, and felt it, but without sin for me, why do i pick up meaningless things daily that forge a sinful heart? why do i pick things up that cause me to judge others, harness anger, and the like?
the other part that was so profound to me was that we have a choice. even though we do have a way paved individually to rid us from the burdens of picking things up, we can choose not to pick it up and to let it go. that doesn't mean we will be exempt from the healing of gethsemane, it just means we can progress spiritually at a rate that increases knowledge versus carrying things around that profoundly diminish progression.

i sat with tears brimming in my eyes, spilling over as this all sunk in. and then, i prayed. really, sincerely prayed that i could remember this. that it would penetrate my heart, my thoughts, my actions, my attitude. i knew that the way the story struck me was my personal revelation. my days have been filled with the thought over and over, heidi, don't pick it up. the thoughts that have seemed to cripple me are met with, let it go.

i got sick last night. it was a rough day. the NAUSEA was unpleasant, a migraine hit me right as we were to leave to cheer easton on at one of his last basketball games. i was quick to pick up the thoughts that have been ruining me, but quicker to say, this too shall pass, don't pick it up. and i did. and today, it's a bit rough too. the day after those hard ones always feel unsettling but my heart, it's full of gratefulness that i can let it go. that i can choose not to pick it up. and suddenly, i know my prayer is answered and i am plugged in.

surprise

i am performing my semi annual blogging duties here.

my absolute favorite series of books are the Sarah Agnes Prine series. the first book is "these is my words". i read the series at least once a year. i always learn something about myself between the lines. i love the years her house becomes so bustling with children that her entries are sporadic and feel busy. i have given myself some leniency with the details of our lives when i know we are hard at work living and bustling.

there seems a golden point in parenting when all kids do not need monitoring revolving around bodily functions. there is some amount of freedom and a sense of arrival, if you will, once this occurs. there are four people we have monitored thru physical need and you think, maybe we are done. well, at our house, one spouse was praying we were done. and for a few years i had to be okay with that even though i knew we were not. bringing it up caused some tension. i also knew that i didn't want to wait too long. let's be honest, i am a short person and carrying large babies has posed some physical challenges for me. i knew aging anymore would not contribute to helping any infirmity.

last year, i prayed really hard that if we were supposed to have another baby, that the unnamed spouse would be filled with a knowledge that this person was a part of our family and that we needed to make it happen. i prayed and had faith that it would happen because i just know these things. i was however concerned that i would be strong arming someone if i put pressure on or guilt. so i was quiet. absolutely silent about it but i kept praying. within a few months that redhead came home from a temple trip and he knew. he knew and he was happy about it which was the part i had forgot to add in to my prayer, it was a bonus. he was ready. ready for a baby, he knew like i did, what kind of a baby it would be and how crucial this person was to our progression. but i was not quite ready. because...

girls like me dont get to plan due dates, dont get to gather excitement about pregnancy. girls like me have to prepare for disappointment, time passing, accepting whatever due date that comes, and building emotional walls to prepare for the disappointment. so, i said to scott, all my married days i have longed for a baby in may. a baby born when RSV is dead and allergy season is over. when the kids are out of school and carpools and extra curriculars are over. when the germs gathered at school cant come home for three months and when everyone is home to drink up a baby. when our only job is to lounge poolside with snacks and shade and sun and memories.

and he said okay. lets try for a may baby.

so, we waited a bit and i started building the walls. not thinking about anything baby. guarding myself against any cute baby, equipment, clothing, bumps, all of it - i shut it out. and to replace it, i started a cake business. because that's what any normal, logical person would do. they would immerse themselves in baking for days on end, for birthdays, brides, family parties, and the like.

but then,

there comes a surprise. and there's a may baby. due the week school gets out. and i know, this is meant to be. and i can't help but get weepy most days.

it's been hard. i have known sickness i never knew was possible. there is no longer a cake business. instead, there is this part of my heart that is full and the funny thing is, i never knew it was empty. the house is dirty and my husband is exhausted. he is doing it all right now. but, things are looking up. i went to church for three hours yesterday and it required no pill. i completed what was asked of me. i worshipped, i partook, i felt this burning in my heart and i thought to myself - welcome to the second trimester.

for kyle

in a little over a week, my baby brother enters a new phase in life. he follows mormon tradition and says, i beleive now i will go and do. he has been called to serve an lds mission to the people of mexico.

the older i get, loving two little boys of my own, the thought of missions always hit me different/harder. it's a little more emotional for me thinking of what it entails to send a boy off in the world on his own, using every skill you have ever taught him, to survive in the world.

i only lived with kyle for 4 years before i was married, so our normal family connection is a little different. my kids however, look to him like a sibling and i appreciate that on every level. he has been glue for our family, the late in life baby that garnered a whole lot of looks my parents direction as my mom was 38 when she had him. he was the best decision they made. he is such a good, focused person. he works hard, he is a stoic person. he does what is asked of him and he does it well. i hope my kids know its because he "knows".

i know that he knows who god is. kyle is coming out of his shell, leaving all comforts of the youngest child, essentially the only child the past few years, the comforts of a first world country, because he has put the effort into cultivating a relationship with god and that gives him enough strength to share with others what he knows.

it's not just about god either. if we know god, we know that jesus christ is the way. sometimes the world suggests we "find jesus" as if he is something only a few will find. if only the world knew what sheri dew stated: "jesus christ is not our last chance, he is our only chance. he will show us the way because he is the way." our achieving an eternal reward will not be by the skin of our teeth as my mom always tells me. our eternal measure will be fulfilled by abounding grace and mercy. abounding.

there will always be apostacy. it makes my heart hurt but i am no stranger to it. utah mormons are always shocked when we tell of the amount of apostacy we saw at an ivy league university. the reasons for abandonment were no small feats. there were facts/reasons/books/knowledge that took years to accumulate. people can throw away a lifetime of god's love by hanging themselves up on the smallest detail. the smallest. it becomes obsessive and a lifetime of anger, frustration, and hurt gets thrown at the very thing that heals. the very peace of life is cast aside due to brewing anger that isn't extinguished thru the merits and mercy of him who can heal.

we are all on spiritual journeys here on earth whether we acknowledge it or not. we are progressing towards god or we are not. either direcion is crucial for our eternal destiny. how do i know that the way the LDS church does things are the dictates that mandate heavens entry? my life has been layers of confirmation and also times of doubt, frustration, and self inflicted darkness. i have found that our bodies are meant to worship. i believe that is how god created us. the mountains beckon awe, seasons encourage deep emotional stirring-a need for connection. the order of god's creations suggest his ways are ones of process, journey, struggle, growth but above all order. our body's need to worship can be tilted either way. worshippers of self, pride, world, money, intellect, imagery, materialism, intellectualism, can feel just as fulfilled/justified in life as those who choose to direct their worship to god. i believe in satan. he is just as real to me as god's abounding love. he also begs for our natural ways of worship. so many times he wins.

i was listening to one of my favorite talks a few weeks ago by henry b eyring and one thing that stuck out to me this particular time was when he said - "if the foundation of faith is not embedded in out hearts, the power to endure will crumble." i needed to hear that so i could know where to draw from. i was struggling with enduring, hope, faith. i think it's a daily struggle for anyone caught in the thick of thin things. i appreciated that line. my foundation is embedded, i just needed to remember that. and because of it, i can endure. it's that simple.

so kyle, this is what i know. i see the creations under his direction and i know that there is a way to him that entails order, direction, work, and love. his plan is perfect, and because we are not, there is no road/journey/belief that his plan can not find a place for. every detail of our lives have been accounted for so that we can return with him. there is no struggle, doubt, pain, wrong, loneliness he did not account for and it's because he wants every one of us. every single body he gave life to, he wants returned. he longs for that parental love returned in order and worship, respect and understanding by us.

now, go and do. find and serve, our knees our bent on your behalf. loves.

hanakapi'ai falls trail

there comes a time in every couple's marriage when they get the green light feeling that they can travel together and their hearts won't burst from missing their kids and their bank wont weep for a year from the cost.

it happened to us.

it was brilliant, wonderful, amazing, and fantastic.

hawaii it was. oahu and kauai.

we went with some dear friends, and of course thru the course of the trip they became more dear. traveling with loved ones deepens bonds.

i went for the beach. i went because my soul craves taking in god's creations. that sounds gummy and so forth, but deep inside me i don't crave adventure or thrill seeking activities. they are fine and i don't mind them, but i don't seek them. i seek out the opportunities to be still and know god and i find that the earth's beauty is essential in that endeavor.

oahu was filled with non-stop activity. we were tourists, taking in every sight possible. while i could chronicle all of the activities, the two that were the best for me were taking in the north shore swells that were something for the record books and waikiki beach. we were able to sit behind yellow caution tape and watch the waves. it was purely magnificent and healing. the waves were beyond description and i kept thinking how lovely it was that we were taking in the north shore at such a rare time and with such power and force. as we made our way around the island we hopped out of the car and walked to the laie lds temple. all temples are special but i had a moment as i walked with my friend in front of the grounds where i could see everyone i loved in white. the two of us were quiet for a moment as we were taking in the smells, the scenes, the peacefulness and we both commented to one another that this was celestial material. feeling loved and seeing beauty has to be of heavenly merit.

we finally squeezed in a few hours on waikiki beach which was so refreshing. we saw sea turtles, skin that should have been covered, obscene exercise routines, inside jokes were born and the like.

we all knew that when we went to kauai it was about living like a local. we were somewhat true to that. there were some touristy things that we indulged in everyday for the thrill seekers in the group but my lazy hawaiian beach dreams were fulfilled. we stayed on the north side in the hanalei bay area. i have never in all my life seen such beauty. to sit at a beach with a mountainous back drop, waterfalls pouring off every cliff, and waves crashing all around, it was profoundly spiritual for me. the first beach we were at i had hours of spiritual awakening. it was like all the funk and fog of daily things lifted and those quiet whisperings were suddenly the new volume in my head. scott was back and forth snorkeling with his buddies. i had quiet moments of deep reflection. i love taking the chance to be still and see god. scriptural phrases poured thru my head the whole time that helped me get a re-charge and perspective that only a mother can appreciate.

the trip wasn't about escaping my daily duties or drudgery, it was about taking a second to re-group and re-charge, figure out where my marriage is, where my spirit's progression stands, and how i am doing at fulfilling my responsibilities to the four souls who claim me.

it was laced with laughing, and bonding, eating, and beach comparison.

one of the days i gave in to the busy ness of vacationing and submitted to a hike. a secret amazing beach, a waterfall you can swim under were the enticing words that got me. i would surrender to some physical work to see that. i pictured a blue lagoon greeting us with a mild jaunt up a mountain.

the previous night greeted us with a horrific rain storm. it howled all night, took out roads with the precipitation, and made some of the crossings impossible.

to get to the halfway point of the waterfall, we had to cross a fairly deep river. at one point because of the rain it was so deep some hikers were stranded overnight and had to wait to cross the swift waters. we happened upon the major crossing right as it was deemed passable. i traveled with tall people on this trip and water that was mid thigh for them was waist deep for me, making it trickier to cross such an angry water passage. the men were great and formed a human chain and pulled me along. once we crossed we realized we were out of cell phone range, it might start raining again which would complicate the waterway to get back, and we were running out of daylight and water. we quickened the pace so that we wouldn't have to add our marks to the board marking the fatalities on the hike. (there were 82)

we passed thru amazing bamboo jungles and terrain that was breath taking. some of it was lost on me as i didn't like taking the chances we were taking to see the waterfall. i have a very black and white personality and i really struggle with grey areas. as a woman who was being missed by four little people in utah, i felt like there was a definite risk of being stranded and loosing the feeling of vacation. we were loosing daylight and almost completely out of water. we started to loose the trail due to the large volumes of water pouring all around us. soon we had to start looking for things to help us decipher if we were on the right path. we had heard from so many people about this amazing hike and no one described to us what we were encountering. suddenly we realized there were pink ribbons tied along trees. they were trail markers. that's when we realized how much the rain had distorted the trail. the actual trail itself was comprised mostly of rock and dirt making the trail slick and muddy. we finally neared the top, feeling this exuberant, triumphant feeling only to be greeted with what i can describe as the force of a helicopter in front of us. the waterfall was overflowing with water and wind, showing it's power and authority. the water bouncing off the fall had us all covered and soaked in five minutes flat. one person tried to swim and the temperature was too cold. two others attempted it and could only dunk their heads quickly before retreating. i had to stand with my back to it as the force was taking my breath away. we couldn't snap any pictures of our accomplishment because the water would have ruined our cameras. we left quickly, defeated. our end reward wasn't at all what we had hoped for. it was too much to take in and enjoy.

the entire hike there were scriptural phrases coming in and out of my mind and i was being taught. i left the waterfall totally depleted of the excitement i had built up. my build up and hype was that it would be quiet and still. i thought about how that hike was so similar to trials, life's journey, and so on. our choices put us on paths that may be the same trail as others, but the lord has to power to shape the trail just for us. our hike was a bi-polar experience to everyone else's who had been on it. we saw the same fall but it was magnified. we had to work harder getting there, take more risk to do it, but essentially our destination was the exact same as everyone else's who had done it. i thought about the past twelve months we have been thru. i signed up to be a mom but i don't recall asking for torrential rain. my path felt so flooded this past year. i felt like i was on a trail that was going to wash out at any point because it seemed beyond what i could handle. but, i had pink ribbons all along the way telling me i was where i needed to be. we were doing what we needed to to finish the hike, to conquer the trial. when we got to the point that was the hardest with easton, we were exhausted and deflated, the final summit left us feeling weary and weak.

 at the end of the trail there was some sense of accomplishment. our physical efforts left our bodies feeling weak but there was a sense of completion, we finished what we came to do. i also felt like at the end of our trial this year that it was important not to lament on the downward part of the resolution. sometimes i have the tendency to got caught up in the sheer exhaustion of the trial, having a hard time giving it up, lamenting of the "hard" nature of it. it's important to get off the trail or trial. be ready for something else, ready for the next one.

i also thought about that hike in another way. i thought about how life's journey is only meaningful when we are on a path. if we stand at the trail head simply waiting for something, we never get to experience the good and the bad that adam and eve taught us about. i thought about how important our time on this earth is. every choice, action, reaction is crucial. we are in a testing period that we can never get back. the end reward is going to be so much more than we can imagine. sometimes life just seems like a simple hike, a jaunt if we listen to the account of others instead of engaging and finding out for ourselves. somehow the thought struck me that the magnitude of celestial glory or heavenly reward will be just as powerful as that massive waterfall. so much more than we can imagine or take in with our limited vision. the things that wait to award climbing trails laden with torrents and floods are more powerful than we can comprehend.

today is monday. monday after vacation is like eating purple poi, slimy, goopy, not desirable. and so, i will dream of ways to get back to tropical paradise and remember to take the trail/trials with grateful hearts.

is there such thing as Santa?

this is a post wherein i validate children all over.

this story will take us back to the years of 2004-2006. the mckay's lived in the ghetto otherwise known as new haven, ct. we lived on the campus of yale university. in our 4-plex there was a wide diversity of the world represented in a small colonial building. the italians lived across from us. she was an artist, he was the stay at home dad with their son theodore. katarina and angel (he was a man and it was pronounced anyel) were from spain and they had two daughters whose names escape me. the people above us were a family from korea. they had lived at yale in the tiny apartment for 9 years. he was getting his PhD in religious studies. they had three children. we got along great. koreans in general are polite, well behaved, socially aware of their own behavior and actions. their middle child, alex, however, in public often overstepped his bounds. his mom only let him interact with other children outdoors, rarely indoors. our apartments were so tiny that he rarely came over. there were a few occasions where they came over, once when they got locked out of the apartment and the campus police took three hours to respond and then in the depths of winter, he was at our house once. and it was the once you don't forget.

he was in awe of the toys at someone else's house, the food at someone else house, the movies we watched were different, it was a cultural thing mostly.

somehow the topic of holidays came up between him and grayce. i think grayce was around 4, and easton almost 2. alex, in his little korean accent spills to grayce the following:

alex: grayce, there is no santa claus. it is your parents. they go to wal-mart. they buy everything for you there. it is not santa. there is no easter bunny, there is none of that, it is ALL from the store.

grayce: well what about the the valentine's chicken? does he come to your house?!?!

alex: what?!?! the valentine's chicken? what does he bring you?

grayce: (she showed him her recent haul from our tradition) he comes and knocks on your door and runs away. he leaves you all this stuff of your doorstep for valentine's day. if you believe, it's real.

alex: oh man,..... (he stomps off angrily up the stairs)

i have always told my kids when they asked about the existence of magical traditions that as long as you believe, magic exists.

and i believe that.

as long as you believe, there is magic. i will never dispel, i will never bear any bad news, there will never be a talk.

magic happens when you believe, even a valentine's chicken.

ramble

there was a situation that needed to be taken care of for a while and it had to do with my female body parts not wanting to cooperate. this is a situation i have dealt with for 19 years now. 18 years ago was my first surgery to remove the devil they named endometriosis. and while it's not the worst thing to happen it sure is not convenient. i went under the knife in October to have the stuff removed, again. this time it was causing the strangest symptoms. like i thought i had neck problems for a year and tried every chiropractor/massage/MRI/steroids solution possible.  and then i get referred to a specialist and he's like, hey you have endo growing on your diaphragm and that causes your neck to hurt, and let's take your appendix out because you have cysts rupturing on your right ovary and the statistics aren't in your favor of keeping the appendix happy while that business goes on. and i say, hey specialist, there are some other pains going on and they are strange so how about you investigate.

and so he does. and i wake up from surgery and no one looks at me sorrowful in the recovery before i can hear what i lost and what they found so i figure i will live. the report is that the endo was growing everywhere it could but not on my uterus and ovaries and that's a warm fuzzy. but also, an irritant. lucky am i because i have four kids and that is always an impossibility if this stuff attacks your major female parts. irritating because it causes the most awful pain and makes me think my necks a mess, i have weeds growing in my colon, my leg has a blood clot every month, and my ovaries could spontaneously com bust at any point.. good news, he burned the heck out of the enemy. only, it has kind of made everything worse and apparently it takes a while to heal and that was not on my planner. so there is this funk and mist that makes me cry when i can't do normal things or go a day without having to lay down. i think somewhere i read that that is not allowed if you are the mother.

and so days pass and i am "recovering" which involves everyone to constantly ask "how are you", "you don't look so good" and the like.

and i have come to a moral issue. i don't feel good most of the time now while my burns heal up and all, but man i don't want people knowing about it. i want to feel alive again. i want to forget about how torturous i feel and how hopeless it feels to think i might feel like this forever/another day. but when someone can see on  your face that you had a rough night that required medication, i don't want to lie. and so...

when the bishopric asked me if i would make breakfast for our ward christmas party in two weeks, i knew that god loves me. because really, i am mostly on invalid status as a mormon for a while. the relief society sometimes gets involved to help and that makes me feel real bad about what it's all come down to. but god, he knows me. he knows that while i don't have a lot of strengths of offer my LDS ward congregation, i can feed them. i know how to make a lot of tummies gathered at a ward house happy. and, i like doing it. he knows that for some reason, i took to the kitchen. i developed a talent as a young mother on a tight budget and i also developed a talent of recognizing how much god loves seeing us eat a meal together. how when there is a plate of food before us that someone filled with love and time, relationships are strengthened. you feel loved as you partake of good food. and god knew that i needed to be taken off the invalid list. when i was asked, i had been on my third sleepless/tear filled night because the recovery isn't complete. but when i was asked, i was able to ignore that misery better on behalf of my ward members breakfast needs. i was giddy thinking of a menu ALL BY MYSELF! the most tortured part of serving as a mormon is sometimes you have to have your rough edges knocked off by serving on food committees and that always opens it up to opinion. i get to say what, how, and they even let me choose the when (time of the party)! now, those are circumstances that will facilitate healing.

also, my mother helped me come up with a purpose to gathering for breakfast. we will fill trailers up with food for the local food bank. she was able to go to the facility and make a goal to help them no matter what! so we will ask our neighbors to help and bring a can of food and come share a meal. it will make christmas creep into all of our hearts and for sure heal wounds of many shapes and sizes.

old and young with a tale of football inbetween

this boy here to my right but your left is my youngest sibling. he is kyle and i am a fan. this is us watching a sunset together at bear lake 1 year ago. we both had sweet sunglasses and my sister in law documented it, thanks ash. i was a junior in high school when he was born and he was the cutest baby you have ever seen, minus the part where he was always vomiting. always. every morning before school, someone would have to go round up a new shirt if they held kyle. he has played a good caboose to our family. he is tough, and fun, and funny, and a superstar uncle.

in the summer of 2012 he decided to take up football. he is a generally athletic kid and his cousin ben was playing. he had never played on a football team before but he is a hard worker, really hard worker and he has some serious determination. 

i mentioned in my last post how it turns out he can play, well too. 

last friday we were at the football game. we watched good old weber high crush viewmont. crush them. the quarterback had 3 running touchdowns. kyle played hard but we noticed they were giving other players some time to get experience on the field.  fourth quarter came around and sure enough, the whole night kyle was wide open for a pass every play. we all wondered and waited to see if he would get the chance, the kid is a speed demon.

the perfect strike came. he caught it and ran 35 yards. there were two players from the opposing team waiting for him as he scored that touchdown. they crushed him. he went down so hard and even though it's football, it was mean to tackle someone after they made a touchdown. especially my little brother.  he was down and didn't move. instantly, the umpires started waving their hands frantically. the EMT's were instantly called onto the field. my kids were scattered all over the stadium with friends. scott ran down immediately as we thought it was a head and neck injury. then, my parents were fetched by screaming girls. i rushed down to the field as the stretcher was rolling onto the field.  

my dad starts hearing the crowd chant, get up kyle mcfarlane over and over.

 as i get down there, he is whooping and hollering and his arm is in a sling. that boy broke his arm as he was tackled down.

his version of the story is when he saw them coming to tackle him he closed his eyes and misjudged how close he was to the ground. as he was on the ground, the ump says to him - sweet touchdown. kyle's response was- thanks, i broke my arm.

that's why it was sheer panic instantly. 

kyle didn't cry. well, until coach hammer came up to the hospital and delivered the game ball to kyle. offensive player of the week. and he teared up when he realized he wouldn't be playing in the homecoming game. 

it took 12 screws to put both broken bones back together. and the PA assisting the case felt bad because almost everyone assisting in the surgery had been at the game and were a buzz with the sweet play.

some funny things that have to be documented.

as i got down on the field i could see kyle was going to be fine. his coping mechanism was humor. he is a stoic kid. quiet. but that night, he was cracking everyone up. his cousin ben, was above him on a crane videoing for the team. ben and kyle have been inseparable since birth and ben broke his collar bone the week before the football season started and was out. so, he films for the team. ben watched kyle's body on the ground and thought he was dead. until kyle yelled up to ben,- next week, me and you buddy! we are up there together. kyle instantly knew he was out for the season. 

he was so upset when he realized they had stopped the game to get him taken care of. he was yelling - drag me off, drag me off, keep playing! as he realized we were all pretty shaken up, he yelled, let me give a wave to the crowd, let me wave. and that he did.

his buddy jaden was lifted by his helmet by the defensive coach and told rather vulgarly to kill viewmont's offense for kyle. 

in the ER, he had everyone in stitches. scott went with my parents to the hospital to be the support and i thought that was appropriate as when people caring for you have a connection, they make sure things go more smoothly. scott knew almost everyone caring for kyle that night. the big rivalry game of BYU vs. UTAH was the next day and scott, kyle and easton had tickets. kyle found out which team the surgeon was cheering for (utah), and as he walked in the room to consult, kyle started sing/shouting: rise and shout, the cougars are out!! the ER doc happened to be the surgeon's bishop, and that always gives you a warm fuzzy that they were working together.

this picture appeared in the newspaper on the front page of the sports section a few weeks ago. kyle made a touchdown and it was amazing. easton mckay almost piddled his pants to see his uncle on the front page of the sports section the next morning. easton has been an avid newspaper reader since the beginning of kindergarten (his teacher suggested challenging him with big words, it's kind of like a religion now).

this was another great shot. 

i have pondered all of this. the why, the how. this kid has put his heart into something that he now has to stand back silently and watch knowing he is capable of performing. the team is slated to possibly be in play offs of some sort which is huge for weber high. and then part of me hopes my sons see that if you play football you will get your arm broken. cause, shoot. every time someone goes down, my heart palpitates abnormally and i feel like we are watching brutal carnage on a field with someones baby boy. but then, there's that thing about doing hard things in life. about having a good attitude with the cards your are dealt. about not being able to change a thing. my wise friend often stated, everything is as it should be. and now, he is in a different kind of sport. the kind that is quiet and unnoticed. his cousin ben has been engaged in it for two months.  he sits at every practice, every single team meeting, every game on the sidelines. he videos the games so the team can see where they need to improve. that is not playing sports, that is called being a sport. that is hard, and that is the refiners fire. it's grueling mentally and physically, wanting to play but not being physically able to. how lucky is kyle to have a buddy who has gone before him? i can only imagine the conversations that will take place on the large crane overlooking the field. and we will cheer for the film crew and not miss a game and be proud that kyle and ben are doing hard things.

new

there are 49 pages i could fill with words to describe the last two weeks of my life but that's drawn out and long.

easton had a parasite. had. that means he is 100% normal. his pain scale went from a 5-6 everyday to a 3 within two hours of the medication. by 48 hours, he was a 0. i won't go in to the details of how it came to light or how we figured it out, but it was one of the hardest parenting situation i have had to watch. i have never seen a body so tortured. and then at the same time, it was a miracle. and no doctor can explain it to us nor has anyone been able to identify what type of parasite it was (the lab tried for a week) but it doesn't matter. eosinophils spike when you have an intestinal infection, prednisone makes that number go down, hence why we thought we were making headway with the course of action. the crazy diet? most likely unnecessary. the steroids that made him so ill and changed his physical appearance, probably unnecessary. the faith and testimony that are under all of us after learning patience, love, trust, becoming a strong family, they were all necessary.

healthy easton had a lot of words and information build up in his body for five months and now it is spilling out at a rapid speed. we have established a no talking rule after 8pm. my head is tired.

ella started a chinese immersion program. ella now hates the chinese people, language, food, dragons, and life in general. it was a chain of miraculous events that she was able to get into the program and i felt a jolt and overwhelming rush of heaven sent energy that ella mckay needs to know mandarin chinese. but i have spent the last two weeks on my knees watching my confident, happy, little girl turn into an angry asian hating gal. scott and i had a moment where we talked for hours, and cried and talked some more about it. we knelt to pray that night and he looked at me and said," what's our decision? we need to make the decision and pray that it's the right one." i told him that what she was supposed to do had been conveyed to me, we need to pray that her heart will soften and that her tongue will be loosed and that the anger will be replaced with love."

the next morning, she walked in her classroom. we didn't have to hang out in the car crying to find her courage for an hour. she gave me the thumbs up after one minute which meant she earned two points. we have a large poster up on our board called the chinese loving chart. there are no more sparkly things left in the town. we own them all and ella earns them with the points she accumulates for our chinese loving chart. she gives out cards with her name and number on them so that she can make some new friends because a new school is scary. and, those cards are worth one point each if she passes them out. we have had no phone calls yet, but this week, i can feel it, it will happen. and yesterday during sacrament meeting, my father in law snatched up her paper she was drawing. it was a picture of a girl with all chinese characters above it. not only does it make me happy, but those characters are so dang pretty, i feel like she is an artist. and also, this language immersion program has made me change my mind about punishing a kid under 5 years old. because one day i had to ask her chinese teacher something and the thing is, they don't speak english.  and so i didn't understand anything she was telling me and my cheeks got hot and i wanted to spit, cry, hit and scream. so now i understand the behavior of all children everywhere and it is merely a language situation and never will i get upset with a kid under five for not doing what i say lickety split.

also, my daughter grayce, she turned 12. and she is suddenly a woman and she is confident and wore a duck dynasty shirt the first day of seventh grade, bypassing all of the other fancy shirts we bought. and it reminds me of the time in second grade she wrote a song in duck for the talent show (she has a killer duck call that comes from her mouth) and when the teacher asked her to translate it in english, she did. and it reminds me that she has more confidence in herself than i ever did. she makes no apologies, watch out. she also started wearing make up and suddenly, the dynamics around here have changed. because when i went to back to school night with her and she introduced herself, her teachers asked who her parents were. most likely, they taught scott and i and their cheeks turned red because they were teaching second generations.  and because i feel mostly like i have not been able to give my other kids sufficient attention with the running back and forth to health institutions, i threw her a nice birthday bash. we had a delicious dinner, a fantastic two tier yellow cake i made, and we did facials, nails, and watched pee-wee's big adventure. i told all 14 girls that this was cinema at its finest and large marge was the pioneer for special effects in movies today. they weren't as impressed as i had hoped for but it was a fantastic night.

my new normal includes all day with a two year old who is turning three soon and only goes on the potty when he wants a starburst. and because of the aforementioned language thing, i am just fine with that. i am not lonely enough to beg scott mckay to take his baby locks off his baby door yet but it will probably come sooner than later. and also, something fantastic has happened to rowan. he now will watch tv. this is miraculous on many levels because it's consuming him and yesterday he saw the number eight and said out loud that he wants the number eight. and PBS is taking right over for me and his mind sponges up every little bit of information. because when easton was three, he went to pre-school.  at the 3/4 mark of the year, his teacher told me he just wasn't getting the whole letter and numbers thing and that we should watch the letter factory. he watched it for 4 days straight. the next month he read the stop sign. by years end, the teacher told me he was the top scorer on the kindergarten entrance exam. and so, i will embrace the learning from those shows.

last friday, we had the most fantastic experience. my little baby brother decided last year that he might want to play football. the boys in my family have an athletic build and have done well with sports. well, that mr. kyle decided that he would play football this year too. only weber high school hasn't won a football game for 23 games straight which means two years. and so, we all didn't have too high of expectations in the community. they got a new coach and there were high hopes.  we trucked down to west high last friday night. this is where very large football players live on the west side in salt lake city. my mutha texted fear into all of us as she got there before us. text:very large players, kyle might be a rag doll at the end. scared.
shoot. we wondered if this was the kind of carnage small children should watch as we had hyped them up to see uncle kyle play football. wouldn't you know, that kyle mcfarlane, turns out he can play football against thugs after all. he played the entire game and we were all yelling from the stands mostly in shock and disbelief every time he kicked the ball or his name was read over the loud speaker. except for the fact that west high kept calling him kyle mcfarley which turns out okay as we have quite an affinity for the farley's in general. but there was one thing he did that scott had to narrate to all of us naeive family members called a fumble. i don't know how it happened as this was the first football game i have ever watched in it's entirety, but somehow there was a large pile of thugs on top of my brother and the folks in the stands were yelling, he's not letting it go, i think weber got it. that little brother of mine was under that whole entire pile of thugs and it's a real crowd pleaser if you can still hang onto the ball of a lot a fellas are on top of you. and scott mckay commented on the way home how kyle played offense and defense and how he never even played football until last year.  it kind of makes me real proud of how athletic he is and how experience doesn't matter if you have a listening ear and a drive to do hard things. and to top it all off, they won. those boys killed it and it was announced at church podiums across the valley yesterday. and all of these things happened in two weeks, which is why i say - NEW.

sweet relief

monday was our big day with easton. we were checking his eosinophil levels to see if they had lowered in his blood.

the week before i threw my grandma's big party, i was de-junking and came across the articles scott had printed about eosinophilia and hyper-eosinophilia at the hospital.  when he initially brought those home, i had a very strong impression not to read them.  the doctor had told me we were doing everything possible for either diagnosis. easton's eosinophil levels suggested the hyper condition, but his symptoms did not. i made a mistake and read the literature before i threw it away. the one good thing that came from it was reading that when prednisone is taken, every time you taper, or lower the dose, the disease can re-surge and cause all of the symptoms to come back for a few days. we were finding that to be very true with easton. the every two week taper was a cruel trick. he would be making progress and then we would have to taper and he was down for five days. reading that part made me feel ready for the next 6 tapers we had ahead. the part where it said hyper eosinophilia is always fatal made me stop dead in my tracks. my heart sunk and instantly my eyes were wet and i realized why the dr and scott were being so solemn about this. that was a sunday night i read that. the entire week, i found myself on my knees a lot. i was contemplating things that a mother fears. i pushed it aside by submersing myself into the party planning. throwing that party was the best distraction i could have had while we have been going thru this. we had to cancel a couple of vacations (traveling is hard with a restricted diet that is crucial that it is followed with exactness and it was a somber thought to have to pinpoint every hospital along our intended traveling routes) and as a result we used those funds to pay for all of the things insurance doesn't cover and put some attention into our yard.  if we were going to be home all summer, we might as well enjoy the house and the yard. i planted 13 flats of annuals, we amended soil, finished items on our house list and got ready for this party in between the plethora of hospital, lab and dr visits. that week, i had given myself so many tasks to complete, i felt lucky that i had little down time to contemplate what i had read. i knew we were weeks away from retesting his levels and it would take the week to get the blood work results to see if it was the hyper eosinophilia and if it had attacked the heart, brain, kidneys, liver or muscles. the week seemed to fly by but at the same time, each second was loud and slow with these humbling thoughts.

as we were cleaning up and people were dispersing from the big bash, my cousin Johnny and his wife inquired about easton.  they had traveled from oregon to the party and had heard about easton's illness. they told me that their good friends have a daughter who is fighting HES (the hyper condition) and it had attacked her kidneys. When the diagnosis was given, they realized that everything that is out there about this condition labels it as terminal. This family was able to go to a specialist in pediatric HES at oregon health sciences university to consult with him about their daughters condition.  he told them that pediatric cases have a much higher survival rate and that it's not a death sentence. my heart soared when i heard that. i felt like even though i didn't listen to that strong warning about not reading that literature (for the record, i didn't read it for 4 weeks) that a loving father made it up to me by bestowing that information to me. it was in no way a coincidence that they would mention that to me. i still get teary thinking of that loving mercy extended to me. it helps me be a better parent to my kids, a little more loving when i want to be upset when they don't follow my strict instructions. also, i was relieved to know that the road might be long to a full recovery but that it was possible.

elder bednar gave a talk in march found HERE. i came across it a few days before my good friend was diagnosed with colon cancer that had spread to her liver. she is in her early 40's and today she sent her oldest son on a mission. her husband was my favorite seminary teacher and now they are our neighbors. i love them dearly and we have all been so touched by their journey. the concepts presented in this talk have stuck with me. i thought about it pertaining to my friend and then, i had the opportunity to apply it to me. do i have as much faith in dying as i do in living? would i have the faith the let my son go as much as i have the faith that he is healed? my goodness, it's humbled me. i think i have more faith in living sometimes than i do in dying and that is something i need to work on. it seems ironic as a mormon that i wouldn't have more faith in a forever family and in the sure knowledge that we would always be a family unit if we lived up to those covenants, those very principals define mormonism. my friend i previously mentioned called me last week. even though we are friends, scott had been involved as they have gone thru this cancer challenge, and i stayed aloof, wanting to give them their full privacy.  we were finally able to talk and my goodness, talking to her gave me the boost i needed before we did this blood work. her liver tumors have shrunk remarkably, and her cancer numbers are astonishingly low. she is proving a miracle. we talked and related. she told me that she was really struggling as to what it means to live with cancer. she decided that most of the time she felt good and so that is how she would act. it's a new normal but "as a man thinketh". it helped me so much. we need some counseling but it is extremely hard to get into a pediatric specialist (im going on three weeks of trying to be seen within the next six months) and she passed on her counselors advice to me. define a new normal and be happy. live. don't feel bad about what isn't in your normal anymore.

the blood work showed that easton's eosiniphil levels have returned to normal. with this blood test, for now, we are out of the HES category. we are on our way to healing. now that the eosiniphils are out of the blood, it will stop the attack on his GI tract. eosiniphils attack tissue giving easton what's like asthma of the GI tract. the rate of eosinphils were 100+ in his GI tissue, and so it will be a while before he starts to feel like his old self and before he starts to recover. he has a while of this strict diet, steroids, vitamin boosting (when the tissue is so inflamed, it's extremely hard to absorb nutrition), pro-biotics, and the thrush, oh it's miserable, but!!! we are leaving our dark path for now. our unknown, scary, what's the road we are on path. the relief is not something that words can describe. knowing that easton is functioning enough to return to school in a month and that we don' have to live day to day, dr visit to dr visit is tremendous relief. i am always grateful for this point in a trial when you can look at it with the layers of miracle and add them to the foundation of life.

extremely blessed, overwhelmingly loved.

the biggest birthday bash i ever threw AND the longest post this blog has ever seen.

in the bleak winter months i had the party gods give me a vision of a lovely party i would throw for my grandma helen to mark her 95 years. my party voices started and i couldn't stop them. it happened and it was one of the highlights of my life.

my mother had told me no for years about hosting grandma's adult birthday party. mostly because she is the youngest of 7 kids and i guess you let the older ones take charge or something. so i had to usurp her and go to my auntie annette who is the event planner extraordinaire. she said yes and i was beside myself with excitement! this is all a real and true story about my excitement.  there is nothing i love more than to host or be a part of culinary events for people i love. pulling a meal together comes easily to me, especially for large groups, and being that i'm a mormon and we are supposed to share our talents, i have to listen to the party demons sometimes, and that's on account of i dropped out of piano lessons as a teenager and i can't enrich the mormon's on sundee with my music abilities.

i filled up an entire notebook with ideas and such. and the menu changed 976 times but that was the funnest part, thinking of what to feed all these good people. i started on emails to my cousins and aunts and uncles and i think you might like an excerpt of one i sent out to guilt them into coming (because they couldn't see the scenes the party demons were playing for me, i had to lay on the heat real thick like):

This email is to address any concerns, excuses, problems with your attendance to grandma's friday night celebration.

1. you have a babe in arms, they are invited! if they happen to talk back, spit, hit, or wrestle - those offspring are not invited. kyle and ben have promised to behave.

2. you can't find a babysitter for the aforementioned children. call me, i will arrange responsible gals to watch them at my in-laws who live a few houses away.

3. you have to work and can't get to the party by 5:30 or 6:00. Dinner is a spread of food that can be eaten at 6:13, 6:42, 7:23 and so on. JUST COME!

4. you have a medical condition. my husband has a medical license and a killer first aid kit but he does not treat hemorrhoids. we also have two horses on standby should you need assistance once you get here. grandma has agreed to be pulled in by sled, what's your excuse?

5. north ogden is far away. so is the great beyond where grandma will be sooner than any of us. it will be worth it.

6. you don't know what present to get her. her words to me friday were something along the lines of - please tell everyone no gifts! i know they stew about what in the sam hill to get a 95 year old and the truth is, i don't need anything i'm ever given. my tip to you is that she is a sucker for m and m's and also the dark chocolate covered pomegranate seeds at costco, also pero is always a hit.

7. the entertainment should please a bunch of christensen's. i worked for six weeks to secure it. it is top secret but i know you will laugh.

8. food. it will be good. 

9. grandma's hoping it's her last party, you might be sad you missed out.

you would come if you got this coercion, right? the beginning of the email was wikipedia's definition of coercion.

i am pleased as punch to tell you that it worked and our final count was around 75 people! there were cousins i had not seen in years that attended and my glory, it was something i will never ever forget. my sister in law who was eight months pregnant at the time captured perfectly the evening. i am so over the moon grateful for her and her photo skills. i always invite her to my events and she always, always comes thru. she has a gift with natural light and i think the following photos show it.

the woman of honor, helen.

when my alaskan brother, cameron, saw this picture, he asked what bad thing vaughn (my brother shown here) ever did to me to get grilling duty on the hottest day of the summer. he was willing was all!

that martinelli's lemonade is found at costco and it will tickle your fancy. it's amazing

the appetizers were laid out and i ended up realizing that we did an ode to corn. every dip contained corn but no one complained. it was divine! my mom and i fussing over the set up and function.

 and the guest of honor! grandma on the far right and her sister allison in the middle (this is not a great shot of her crunching corn, sorry auntie allison!) and then her sister eulinid in the bright pink with my aunt ruth in the light pink. behind them was the baby station. i gathered up every baby apparatus ever known for all thebabies that came, it was awesome!

my good neighbor grows these fantastic flowers in abundance and let me have a go at them for decor. it was purely therapeutic.

 you will notice the name tags that my brother and dad are wearing. little did everyone know that this was a clue about the entertainment (it was a top secret surprise). and they are also probably conversing about how i made them do ridiculous things to get ready for this party. one of them being mowing a lawn in 200 degree weather and the other painting my mudroom the entire week so that my house looked somewhat pulled together.

 mingling and laughing. grandma pulling scott in congratulating him on staying married thru this whole deal. he is such a good sport!

 i sat with my cousin jill and her husband nick and enjoyed the ode to corn. it was possibly the first time i had sat down in a month. this is real. i wish i had realized that i needed to take my apron off. i wore that thing until i went to bed. ah well.

 my aunt ruth and aunt susan in a deep conversation about how i pulled this off for only $7 a plate. (i kid, but that dollar amount is real folks)

 these two shots are poor reward for my slave labor, but i had an epiphany that i would not enjoy one moment if i did not have help there that wasn't related. i called in some big favors to some good women i love, they obliged and i am forever indebted. at the end of the night, my entire house was put together, food put away, and not one dish left to do or thing to clean. their name tags read, the help. we had to make sure no one mistook them for a cousin. in this picture below, kellie is giving me strict instructions that she will take care of the cake station.

i had a food skeleton inside the house of how the salads should be laid out. they had the ingredients for each salad in separate coolers with a food label on what went into each grouping. i went with salad bar extraordinaire for dinner.

 the next shots demonstrate that these folks came for the party, not my speaking abilities. oh how i struggle with public attention. it makes things not work out smooth for my mouth and head. and apparently, my hands over compensate. a lot of hand action was apparently necessary for the welcome to the party and what we were having for dinner.

 this shot of my mom is a beauty. i love that happy look on her face. it does not at all reveal how she had been my sous chef for three days straight chopping, slicing, and following orders. she's a gem.

if seeing extra large pictures of a salad spread doesn't make you excited, i am real sorry for you. this is my happy place.

 my mom and i made 120 dilly rolls. store bought is not good if you have lived 95 years on this earth and your only complaint is you vomit when your intake of m and m's exceeds two handfuls.

 after dinner was over, i introduced the entertainment. it's okay if you don't know who it is. these folks all did and the pictures of the reveal are priceless.

MR FARLEY

 this man below made a video (after many, many performances around the state) of a family reunion typical of mormon families. its a one man show where he acts out every character who might attend a family reunion. we were all rolling and the laughter was heard two streets over. it was our entertainment as kids and it extended to most of my cousins. i had a whim and googled him. turns out he was delighted to come and i was giddy for months about this surprise. it made the evening. and, apparently, some of my cousins did not have a VCR growing up. they enjoyed it anyway and in that particular family, most of the spouses that married in to the family had seen it growing up. it was great! 

the reactions upon his arrival were awesome. i had one cousin who wanted to yell and shout she was so star struck. my uncle and cousin were in fits of disbelief and giggles, they couldn't believe it. 

i think this is the winner of the night. the three remaining sisters. it makes me tear up every time. they were watching our baby parade. we had so many new great grand babies there, we paraded them to the front. 

the birthday cake was quite a feat. i was at a baptism where my friend amity brought these two amazing rainbow cakes. they were not only beautiful, but some of the best cake i have ever eaten. i asked to hire her out for the evening only to find she would be out of town.  she came over one day and gave me a lesson. it was gold. i ended up making 20 layers which turned out to be 4 cakes. it was the highlight of my culinary life. they are so beautiful and my goodness, they grab your attention!

 

 i will be honest, they were slicing up the cake and i had a watchful eye. six layers gets tricky but this was my cool, spy, sneaky face. the help did a fantastic job slicing!

 grandma took the mic right before we ate cake and imparted some gratitude and wisdom. she's my idol.

 this face is one i have seen many times thru my life of loving her, but i feel so over the moon that ashely captured it. it's her overwhelmed, amazed, purely grateful face. priceless. happy 95th grandma helen.

the best thing i ever did

i am going to tell you about it, but first let me tell you why before what.

we have a new normal around here. that's obvious with the past few posts. things are good with easton.  we are on a path and i feel like we are making progress. we still have a long road ahead and there are many things to conquer before we get a clean bill of health, but we will get there.

in this process of this sickness i discovered i have a really hard time balancing and not just giving up on certain things. for instance, when there are weeks where we are at the hospital, dr's office, lab all day for say 4 of the 7 days of the week, i find it really hard to follow thru with cleaning, three meals made, pick up, homework, extra curricular activities. not to mention time for myself. things came to a head and that's when i made a decision to hire a cleaning crew for my house.

all my married life i have discovered that i really, really struggle with keeping the cleaning voices quiet in my head. tell me i am not the only one? i have the need to clean everything top to bottom, old to new. i struggle with keeping balance on both ends.  when life is crazy i tend to stress over cleaning and am usually too drained to do the actual cleaning, only stress about it.  also, i found i had to get really worked up and mad to clean to propel me thru.  it was seriously a disorder that i probably should have been taking medication for.  i  have my kids help me but getting them to deep clean the way i want it was only injuring our eternal relationship. that's being honest. i do however have them do things that don't require spraying chemicals. once i watched one of them clean the bathroom, ugh. it was far more dangerous for everyone with all of the scratching, itching, touching kids do on a regular basis, and then you throw in bodily fluids on surfaces? they were contaminating themselves before they could clean the mess up and i was loosing sleep over it.

every year for my birthday i have wanted this deep cleaning package my brother has been telling me about.  that scott mckay is a hard sell. for three years i have begged and he just has too much common sense to indulge in such things. i knew my mental health was at stake and so this year, i told him that was what i was getting for my birthday, a deep clean.  these folks came and cleaned windows inside and outside, walls, corners, baseboards, decor was dusted, couches vacuumed, and then a regular cleaning to top it off.

when scott consented, i took the two weeks before the cleaners came to de-junk every crevice in my house. there were trailers full taken to the DI. it was so incredibly liberating.  i have always had a hard time making time for dejunking because i always feel like i am in the process of regular cleaning. it was becoming a snowball effect. and for the record, this cleaning problem and stress always seemed manageable in smaller quarters.  this house has killed me. i realize it's no mansion, but we lived for ten years in apartment type dwelling and so it feels massive to me.

while these good cleaners were doing their deep cleaning, i asked if they regular cleaning as well.  he gave me a quote and i told him to come twice a month to this house.  i made room in my budget by cutting down on some other things and we fast once a day (joke). i made changes in phone services, and started cutting back on extras and it is worth every single penny! i can keep the house picked up but i don't function very well when i have the burden of cleaning, pick up and de-junk on my plate. it feels like i have had someone give me 10 years worth of therapy. i highly recommend it if you suffer the problems i do. and for the record, i do have to clean before the cleaners come in a sense but it has forced me to only worry about pick up and regular cleaning everyday. so at the end of the day we go thru the house putting everything back in it's place and then do meal clean up and floors as needed. but, twice a month, my floors are mopped, kitchen scoured, all floors cleaned, sofas vacuumed, bathrooms cleaned top to bottom and my goodness, it feels so good! for the record, my two levels (about 3100 sq feet) for my bi-weekly cleaning is $100. am i crazy? yes, either way you look at it!!