Thursday, October 16, 2008

the making of me {chapter 1}

"if you could choose dear, where out of anywhere ,would you want to go to school?" said s.mac

i was busy, although i can't remember the exact task, so it was something said in passing.

"well, i heard martha stewart lives in connecticut, maybe that would be nice."

not really thinking too much about that particular statement i felt a little warm fuzzy inside thinking i was grateful he would think of me. truth be told, any mention of moving anywhere with a 2 year old and a baby in my belly ever growing made my head spin.

i had never lived anywhere but at the foot of the rocky mountains. not to mention i had never lived on my own. life elsewhere only happened in the movies for me. before s.mac and i were married i had lived solely with my parents. many reasons kept me there. 2 being a sister and a brother that were only 1 and 2 when i graduated high school. i feared them never knowing me well if i left right out of high school for college. i also had a steady beau who kept me tied to the area. so, here we were, years later, pondering moving somewhere. not knowing where, but surely putting faith in a process so much bigger than us.

the next day i got a daily phone call from s.mac saying,"you'll never believe what school in connecticut has a PA program."

"where" i replied.


we both died laughing. and i am sure there was some joke made about majoring in playing tennis or croquet with a stiff collar.

"i actually meet the requirements hon, i think i am going to apply."

i never thought to look on the map, nor study the geography of it. i was up to my elbows in basement living, 2 year old tantrums, diapers day in and day out and a whole lot of making it on my own. his undergrad was busy and we made a lot of sacrifices. i had my eyes set on his graduation from the local university that had taken 4 long years to get through. we were married the month before his 4 year undergrad journey began. 4 years of taking every semester the college offered, s.mac working to be the top of his class for 2.5 of the 4 years thinking he would be taking on medical school. here we were, the summer before leaving to go to some unknown destination and praying we would get it right. yale was the farthest thing from my mind.

the summer of 2003 was spent solely working on applications and research for every school that offered a PA program. we were shooting for the university of idaho in pocatello, id. that was where we envisioned ourselves and thought anything better than that would be a step up. not that there is anything wrong with that school. it didn't have the clinical experience s.mac was looking for but we had a limited budget- okay that's a joke. we had a below poverty budget. i had quit working my part time job to be with our little "winds of love" and the bud "e" growing in my belly. our goal was to have our car paid off that we could take to school with us and once we hit that goal, i quit. s.mac was working part time as a clerk in the radiology department and going to school full, full time. like 21 credit hours his senior year, he is a determined fella. so, back to the budget. the more schools you apply to, the more green that needs to be in your radar. we needed one ace in the hole and U of I was it for us. s.mac studied very carefully 11 schools he was qualified for, looked at the acceptance pattern and settled on those specific schools. yale being mostly a joke, humoring me.

the application process began. we didn't even know a PA. s.mac had seen them in passing at the hospital. we figured it was our way of having a family life and s.mac fulfilling his medical dream.

we were young and naive when we were married, i don't think that is abnormal. s.mac is goal oriented and i have a lot of intense energy. together we get things done and take a lot on. by our first year of marriage we were preparing for a new baby girl that we were over the top thrilled to be having. i was mostly relieved to have a good excuse to quit a job i considered to be on my list of worst years of my life list, if one exists. well if it does, that time in my life spent at the alarm company would be at the top of the list. thank goodness s.mac rescued me from that. by the third year of marriage we found ourselves overjoyed to be blessed with 2 babies as at one point in my life i was told it would be next to impossible to ever have any kids bearing my genetic make up. we lived thin and loved large to make up for the things we didn't have. it was a hard time for both of us. life came at us fast, ever cliche but ever true.

one night in the winter months of 2002, s.mac came to me after years of having his sights set on medical school and told me that it wasn't the life style he wanted anymore. he worried about the tole it would take on our marriage as we rarely saw each other as it was. he was in a lost state. he took a few months wondering what career choice would fit the family lifestyle he longed for best. he loved teaching. he looked into it and after seeing the reality of not being able to keep a wife at home with the kids that was quickly abandoned. that was a big deal to us.

sometimes i wish we would have had more support when we were pursuing the medical school dream. all we were bombarded with were divorce statistics, memories told of never seeing a dad even on christmas because rounds were being made and doctors bombarding s.mac with talk of not making the same career choice if they had to do it again. i look at the amazing people we have met that have gone thru medical school, internship and residency and know if we would have had the right circumstances it would have been okay. we are happy how things have turned out however. there is that part of me that is still tugged at when s.mac comes home from work being approached by doctor after doctor who tell him to go back because he has what it takes. that part of me still mourns that for him. at the same time, fills me with love knowing what he gave up to see more of us.

i suggested one day that maybe he should look into PA school. i knew the schooling was significantly shorter than that of an MD and he would still be able to dabble in the field that made his smile curve in just the right way.

so he did. and forever grateful am i for that life altering decision.


Justin, Kalee, Jackson, and Ava Rose Peacock said...

I love this...and you are going to love that you are writing this all down! You are definitely one of the main reasons that I now love New Haven. I will never forget meeting you in the parking lot...buddy was about 7 months and was trying to climb out of your arms...winds of love was in the car playing with, I think a just laughed at her and I immediately thought "I am going to love her!" It is just an added bonus we are cousins!:)

ps I used the "names" to protect the innocent...I love your idea of staying anonymous!

Brooke said...

that was really touching and brought me back to that time of my life, too. It seems like yesterday, doesn't it? I am excited to read the next chapter.....

coty said...

i agree, you are going to love that you wrote all this down. i'm excited to read the next chapter!!!
i've a list of places in my hometown that i wanted to take pics of; they are of sentiment to me as they are where jared and i stepped deaper and deaper into love. one day i'll get it done. in the mean while, keep writing!!!

The Ballard's said...

I'd buy it, you have a knack for writing.