i have come to some firm conclusions with this pregnancy. some of them have to do with the shrek analogy of onions and peeling things away, don't judge me for my shallow comparison. i am a mother.
i have decided that not only is this condition for bringing little people into the world, but also to expose our weaknesses. i fly along in life (unpregnant life that is) and think i have a handle on things. go to church - check, say no to road rage - check, check, don't eat ice cream EVERYDAY - check. you know. kids grow up, diapers leave your house, and sometimes company can come over unexpectedly and the toilet shows no sign of small boys with an inexperienced aim. life seems to be under control. and then i get this opportunity to house and sprout a little person and as much happiness as it brings, i am brought to my knees as my weaknesses become exposed in this fragile state. suddenly things get under my skin that i have learned to manage and be okay with for years. i feel the need to pick things apart and spew negativity like a hot new fashion trend. i have gone back and forth with myself the past month, longing for the tolerant patient person that will emerge. struggling with piddly things that 4 year olds learn to reject.
in all of this crazy, i realize it is my chance not to ignore or excuse because this will be over in 22 weeks, but to work on. the things i thought i was concrete with seem crumbly. sigh. i am glad for good people that surround me. like my husband for instance. his nice button is always on and for some reason instead of acting crazy right back to me, he just finds his super duper nice button to turn on. usually that means doing the laundry and dishes, and just being super, really nice to me. kind, loving and tender. i can see thru my foggy glasses that i should reciprocate but the desire leaves all too quickly. he wears a suit of armour in my eyes.
this weekend we had a family wedding. the last of the boys on my husbands side roped another gal. i had my wonderful sisters in law in from the east coast in town and we all got to talk about these nice husbands we have. one husband fetched a microwave to warm a cookie for his bride while another chased kids on trains so chatting could ensue. we are all a little worried about mac boy number 4, he shoved cake in his brides face tonight and that encouraged boos from the audience. the last and only mac boy to think of such a thing, i can see there might be a boot camp of sisters in law involved here, heaven help him;) three older brothers have set a high bar for him and his treatment of his bride.
so, while my layers continue to be exposed and worked on, how grateful my heart is for good people that surround me and hold firm in their steady ground. it helps me want to be better and fix my exposed stinky layers.........