Monday, May 3, 2010

fertile pastures

i have been captivated by this national infertility awareness month something or other that has all the bloggers a buzz. once, i found a site that celebrated silly things and sent out cards to your friends for you. say for instance you found it necessary to celebrate ohio's cow patty month. well, this handy little site sent out fun cow patty cards to all your loved ones marking the date. okay, so my tongue is in my cheek for a minute here. seems a little cruel to bring awareness to someone infertile, right?

i have refrained from writing anything too deep lately because my hormonal condition would lead one to believe i am bi polar and loony. oh, wait....... seriously. there are times i want to yell to the world, did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast? and then in the next hour i am crying at some beautiful complexity my mind has been opened too. i have been miserable this time around. week fifteen and i am waiting for a light to shine. it will come i know. sundays are a mess for me, i can't stop crying one week and the next i think my ward is ready to apostatize because there was absolutely no spirituality in the building. bipolar. my poor husband. poor poor red head. i say mean things and i really mean them, i don't feel bad about being critical about his chewing, breathing, smells, grass laying. nothin. i hope we make it out in tact. most days my tongue is bloody from biting so hard. so there you have it, the update.

so, infertility.

you know the drill. age 16 the open me up, find the dreaded beginnings of endometriosis. take it out and tell me that i might want to think about a teen pregnancy;). my doctor really said that and i love him for it. i was thrown on every experimental and aggressive drug out there to hold me at bay until i found love and needed babies. we all crossed our fingers for years. grayce was a snap, i felt the burning desire and boom. there she was. little easton. well. we lamented, tried fertility drugs and fretted and stewed. i had had another surgery to cut out the gunk and try to get just one more here. just one more and i would be good. i was so into getting a baby here and doing it before time was up that i lost myself. i thought i was in control or something. finally, a positive test. whew. we did it, i kept thinking. when easton was 2 weeks old and i still couldn't walk (his head did me in) i got a call from someone telling me of a baby that needed adopting. would we? well, i'll be honest. at that point i realized i was just plain overwhelmed. mother to 2 will knock you upside the head a couple times and then spit you back out, especially when you are going at it alone. (aah, the schooling years) no way could we adopt a baby. i put the brakes on for a couple of years. i knew my sanity was at risk here.

a few days after that phone call one of my lovely friends stopped by bearing gifts and food to welcome the 9 pound head i delivered. she told me they had been trying for a year and knew there was a little one waiting. i tried to tell her all the things that could be wrong with her and what she needed to do. what medications to take, what sticks to buy, where to go....... she very calmly replied that she knew this baby would come on heavenly fathers time.
three years later, we caught up. still no baby. and she. still knew it was the lord's time, not hers. she had not one ounce of sadness. six years separate her baby girl and her next one. that baby came. and can you believe she loved every time she bowed to the porcelain god with a happy heart? i wish she knew how deep her faith has penetrated my heart. it's no secret it took us a bit to get this one here. i always fell back to her example, always. there was no rush on my part, no doubt this time. i have been feeling this little spirit since i was pregnant with ella. i knew this one was ours to have. i wish there was some magic way to impart to you what my mind has been opened to these past months. some way to tell you how my heart has grown everyday as i lay on the couch in physical peril contemplating faith. it is so personal and i am so incredibly glad this is my road to travel.

i am surrounded by good women in their thirties. can i just say entering the third decade of life does wonders for a woman and the surrounding friends. this thing called maturity really is under rated. i see myself in all the twenty something mom's scurrying around comparing strollers, fertility drugs, adoption routes and so on. such a hurry. and then there's kellie.we've been best friends since we were 12. there's a family relation involved to the tune that my uncle married her aunt and that has always sealed the deal for us. no way to fall out of contact. when we were 12 she was diagnosed with lupus. serious, chemotherapy for 8 years, lupus. when kellie gets sick, we all hold our breath and pray really hard. despite her incredible health challenge she has successfully completed a nursing degree and mothers the most beautiful boy. he and ella are five days apart and we both consider it a gift that we got to share motherhood simultaneously with such stark differences. a pregnancy to kellie would literally be life threatening. her lupus has invaded her skin, muscles and organs, primarily affecting her kidneys. she has always accepted her road to motherhood would be paved with someone else's sacrifice. she never rushed it, never laments and has never complained. ever. i wish i could tell you that in some deep conversation she has confided in me that her situation depresses her and she can't take one more step. but never. when i ask her what the hardest part about her situation is she responds by telling me that attending the adoption classes and seeing how bitter other couples are about their lot in having to be there. don't they understand this is their road to travel? that these babies are meant to come to them this way? this is how their family is to be gathered, be it one or six.
this kind of thinking is what my mind has been opened to these past few months as i have contemplated being the bearer of 4 babies. me, 4 babies. it's because this was my road to travel, mine. if mine had been the road of adoption or other means to motherhood, it would be just for me. maybe it is my deep belief that stems from a loving heavenly father aware of us. but kellie and mindy. they know all about their road and they have maturity and peace about it. i feel a heart full of gratitude to know ladies of this caliber. sounds trite but reaffirms that someone bigger knew i would need some patience in confirming my road to travel. because you see, this road of mine has been wonderful. my knees have been bent a lot these past few months wanting to understand what all this physical pain can help to teach me. i wish there were words enough to share. never ever have i been so grateful for this pregnancy induced colitis, as much as i curse it. it has humbled me to my core as i partake and travel.
so travel your road with maturity, patience and peace, bending your knees often because it's all yours, and the giver? he's one merciful heavenly father.......


Amy said...

Thanks Heidi for that!! I really needed to read that. A good reminder that we all have our own paths to follow. I have been forgetting lately to stop and see what I need to learn on my pathway. Just trudging through day by day.
Oh and I feel your pain with the pregnancy sickness, been there!!! Sometimes its hard to see the forest through the trees. Hang in there!!!

Eva said...

good luck with this one, H. I'm excited to say I'm joining you! I'm at 16 weeks, sick (but not too bad) and happy. We all have our challenges!

Lauren said...

Thanks I needed to read that!

j. said...

thanks h. mac. i'm ordering mikey's wife to read this :) she's 12 weeks along and just got out of a week-long stay at the ICU, i think a little h. mac motherly advice will do her good.