Monday, October 11, 2010

my mileage is almost up

i feel like all i do is blog about this bloated condition i find myself in but i only have another week of it so i will let it run the proper course here.

maybe common sense has taken over or maybe the whole forgetting about your last labor is no more true once you have successfully pushed three watermelons thru the lemon, but i have not forgotten the last labor. no sir. it was not fun. at all. and while we're on the subject, there is no fun in it, okay. don't get sentimental on a women in her 38th week. you are stuck to every beeping contraption the hospital owns, hooked up to all kinds of dripping apparatuses, and put into a shameful moo-moo for the greeting of your baby. like, hello fetus, i am your mother, like it or not this is what i am wearing. let us greet one another. and the whole thing is quite unfortunate until you hold that baby. then. well, let the sentiments flow. and then the stupid things one would say like, oh, let's not be done having babies husband, no, no, no. let's do it again, and again. okay? hold on wife, let's just enjoy this one okay.

one of the fabulous perks i am finding about this state of my swollen body is the fact that the empathy that flows from on lookers provides some what of a free pass. people take one look at the all or nothing belly and feel their pelvic bones shifting. this means they feel so sorry for your gimpy walk and condition, they bring you dinner BEFORE the baby is born. this has been quite wonderful, kind, and thoughtful from the sorrow filled onlookers. and folks, it's a site to see. all 22 pounds, right there, in the middle, hanging from my broken abdominal muscles. i also get a free pass on my mouth. for instance, yesterday i was observing that dashing red head of mine from the audience in church. he was perched up there on the stand, observing the congregation members. i noticed that his face was quite contorted and looked like he too might be having contractions. normally this is an observation i would keep to myself because who wants to be told they look like some body's skull is banging on their colon in a public setting. i contemplated this and figured i was pretty equal as far as looks at this point and since dignity flies out the door somewhere between the hospital moo-moo that will soon adorn me and the dignified straps i would be placed in, i asked him if he is in pain on the stand. was he also contracting. at first he looked hurt and then he concurred that his contorted facial problem could make for some great sunday dinner humor from the congregation. he said he would take note and possibly maybe we could work out a signal if he looks to be effacing or dilating from the stand.

also, how about being told that you can't do that because you're pregnant. well, if you only knew what i am going to have to do to get this thing out, i assure you folks, i am quite capable of most things in this condition. and that is my firm conclusion. i realize exactly what could be ahead of this mama. and this is why if i go past sunday, it will be the longest i have ever been pregnant. the doc has offered to start me and i am in no rush. i have to get serious about setting a date he says. the head is still floating around despite being transversed by the doctors hands. my abundant fluid is intoxicating to these babies, bumping, rushing, floating. their heads cannot stay down. engage baby, engage, i keep chanting to the unborn fetus which my sister has given the affectionate name of cletus the fetus. well, that was so funny i almost gave birth right then and there. cletus. oh, maybe it is only funny if you live in utah and grew up with an aunt vodice (which i always thought was a body part) or perhaps a grandpa rufus. cletus is not far off from most of our mormon heritage genealogy charts. maybe the day will come when baby cletus will be hip again. possibly deverl. i will stop now. i can feel the wincing.

so, here i sit as happy as a lark can be, because apparently a lark is quite happy.


Paige M. said...

oh little cletus, you do need to come:) funny... i just told you all about forgetting about the previous deliveries, and here you are and i realize how traumatic it was with hella...

i am just going to stick with the option to adopt.:)

emily ballard said...

Do you text your husband while he is on the stand?

(I would NEVER do such a thing.)