i'm not above it you know

a post about motherhood...

i have been watching a lot of sesame, barney, franklin and little bear to get us thru the woes of my little hella and the ectomy{s} she had yesterday. adenoids and tonsills got the boot. i was much, much more calm this time around. last year with bud "e" i was in the depths of despair thinking of putting an innocent star wars lover thru an elective surgery.

this time around i knew how dangerous it was for her to keep them. nothing too out of the ordinary. her IV came loose in the struggle to {come to} after the blades were down and then there was the incident where my red headed PA noticed her arm bulging to unnatural sizes. all the schooling was worth it, whew. we got a nurse to take the menace IV out of her arm and the injury site had fully recovered by this evening. the trick has been not to let the meds overlap the allocated time, it HAS TO BE EVERY SIX HOURS for happiness. and when you don't do that to the second....

you end up calling your mother blubbering into oblivion to come take the crying child into her arms. i have to admit that is not typical behavior from this phone number to hers. well, rarely. needless to say, my mother got a sobbing call from me after i had been up since 3 am trying to get something in her belly. i made homemade applesauce, pancakes, scrambled eggs, danimals yogurt, and anything else you could imagine. all she wanted was peanut butter toast. of course she couldn't eat that. after a couple of hours of that, i started crying with her, pleading to eat something else. i just lost it. that happens sometimes to the motha. overloaded and all with the nighttime duty and the syringes in hand, mentally clocking the next time medicine intake is necessary. within minutes of the white flag going up, me madre was over in record time with a fresh whipped strawberry protein ice cream shake in a pink sippy, the peanut butter toast lover left only 2 drops of grandma's magic. per grandma's orders, i bustled myself off to brush my teeth and clean my tired head. i sat in the shower way beyond a normal time, i had tears come up for jason and molly, and then melissa, and then about how one time i didn't let bud "e" buy a toy at the store, and how "winds of love" and i haven't got to snuggle for a while. i let a few tears loose because the red head has missed dinner a couple of time this week to check {pro}gress on the new timbers, i cried about how many gray hairs obama has and how happy i am that after 9 years of marriage - we will have a home of our own, and so on and so on. i mean they came. i cried for the job situation, for the clothes i wear that do not claim a place in 2009 and mostly, i cried because my hella was so sad. miserable. any mother knows, heart strings attach right behind the guilt nerve located right behind the eye{s}. in the shower i resolved to love her better and be like grandma. all calm and soothing. the situation was helped immensely when s.mac was home early and gave me some much needed shut eye in between the mandatory "where is this" and "where is that" interruption. my mother in law graciously took the older two for an exciting sleepover at the canyon house to ease my tears, how i love the mothers in my life. they took care of me so i could continue the cycle of good women that learn a lot in the shower with tears streaming down their face. how to be more gentle and more loving. i thought about how my semi-annual read, the peace giver, that teaches me that someone else knows how i feel when i hand my baby over to strangers with lots of faith things will go smoothly.

and on the happy front, once we fulfilled our dutiful 6 hour dedication to the syringe, liquid and eating right after - we are happy. she is kissing my face tonight, talking up a storm and indulging on a rare appearance of mac and crack, er cheese at the bar. so, from this house to yours may your tears encompass all the tragedies these tears covered today - and may your load feel lighter afterwards.....amen