Monday, May 21, 2012

i need two more legs and 3 more pair of hands.

while having babies and raising kids can sometimes be overlooked as routine and ordinary, i submit that everyday feels anything but the aforementioned.

there are days i long for being the mother of 2.  i had it all under control, i knew exactly where the train was taking me, i felt so satisfied, so fulfilled. i loved living away from the mother ship hubble of mormon judgement and experiencing life as a little independent family on our own.  it was so good, so right and dang it, so much easier that yesterday was.  while we were definitely under stress concerning money (lack of), school, and time constraints, i felt like we were somehow mentally more free from the stress life has on our heaping buffet plates right now.  yesterday was the sabbath and anymore it is a day we simply get thru.  scott's meetings start before kids are up and my meetings fall somewhere in the middle.  then 4 kids must look presentable and well cared for before church begins.  there is no time for tantrums, disagreements, or general sleepiness the teasing summer nights bring that call us out of our bed longer than normal.  i grit my teeth and get thru sharing time hoping rowan has stopped screaming in nursery and that no one has accidentally fed him anything containing peanuts, eggs, wheat, food colorings, cheese, pistachios, and on and on.  i worry that easton is giving me smart alec remarks when i am asking questions about sacred things. grayce is abnormally tired sitting with her class and it seems puberty has taken my sweet girl and put her in the middle of a raging hormone battle. she cries more now than she did as an infant. ella is thriving in primary (finally!!) but it seems there are not enough hours to plan for all of the things that can cause upheaval on a sunday.  there are so many needs and yet i can hardly make it thru an "ordinary day" without feeling overwhelmed.  three weeks ago i went home midway thru sabbath worship feeling unwell. i was quite sure i was getting a migraine but hadn't had one for so long i couldn't remember.  i went home to a dark house, ate a little something and took a nap.  when i woke up it felt as though i woke up in a new body.   my hands and feet were in pain i had never felt before. my head had this general pounding to it that wouldn't let up. my brain was so foggy. at church i thought it was odd i could not remember names of folks i had known for 12+ years. and not the "where is that in my brain" it was the i don't even know where to pull it from.  to make a long and frustrating week short, i ended up going in to be tested for multiple auto immune disorders and other things. it seemed like a classic flare up of some auto immune disorder. suddenly carrying rowan up the stairs became impossible as did walking and using my hands.  i noticed that after rowan was born i had joints in my fingers start to swell. it happened to 4 joints in an 18 month time period.  after i had ella, i had some miserable arthritis in my back but it was determined it was from the pregnancy that taxed my frame so severely. i really didn't think too much of the joints although i knew it was abnormal.

waiting for the test results was the longest weekend of my life.  i wondered what the test results would be and what my new life might be like.  i knew that i was experiencing some hormonal issues as my body had such a hard time after i stopped nursing rowan.  things were feeling off.

when the doctor called me we were relieved to hear that nothing showing any sign of auto immune problems came back positive, nor did any sign of inflammation with joints or signs of arthritis.  my hormone levels were off but because i experience aura migraines, my risk for heart attack, stroke and so on is elevated bringing those levels up with pills.  he told me that most likely i was suffering from premenstrual syndrome, severely, and that i was probably experiencing fluctuating calcium levels.  i went in and had a nexplanon put in under my arm and have been chomping tums like they are going out of style.  the nexplanon is a form of birth control (the only one i can have) that is a small rod that they shoot in your skin under your arm.  it basically stops female function for three years. this was done so that my body can stabilize the hormones on its own.

but....

it feels really wimpy when i tell scott that i couldn't even dress and bath the kids because my hands were hurting so bad, you know dear, it's the PMS. (and apparently the severe PMS mimics auto immune disorders) he will come home to mass chaos, all with a smile, while i blame it on what feels to be a made up thing.  then i skipped calcium for 2 days because i was able to almost function the whole day! i was subsequently in bed for the next two days trying to get my calcium levels up.

my house has gone to the dogs while i am waiting for things to stabilize.   all of those ordinary things that used to seem so routine seem so overwhelming now.  and i want to cry - a lot.  i only cry at the pulpit, never ever over anything else but death. ever.  i am just not programmed to get emotional like that, i go into survival mode not panic mode.  i want to cry because the local wingers went out of business and one night i needed 2 wings from the joint. i want to cry because i had a girls night out and just couldn't seem to recover from getting in bed past 10:00. i want to cry because i miss my husband and sometimes wish he would take up alcohol to get out of half of his time commitments. but then the line comes into my head that this life is the time for man to prepare to meet god.  somehow, i think when i meet god, it wouldn't mean as much if i didn't know him.  it just might not mean as much if my thoughts weren't directed to him thru the happy parts of my day in gratitude and the low points of ordinary chaos. whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, we will one day meet god and that is the thought that seems to make my heavy heart a little bit lighter thru the bits of trial that will soon lift. in the mean time, that time of communion with god might often be heard from my lips to be asking for two more legs to go 4 different directions with my kids and 3 more pair of hands to hold their faces all at once.


5 comments:

Kristy said...

That's rough. Sorry, girl. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Sometimes I think that is the biggest lesson we learn in trials like these. It's okay if your house goes to the dogs, and it's okay if you don't do your hair for a few days and wear pajamas. Give yourself time to rest and recover and hopefully you'll be back to your routine in no time. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Bart said...

Well, Heidi, all I can say from an outsider looking in, is that you are such a GREAT example to all of us. I don't talk to you all that much, but you radiate happiness and the Savior in all you do. I really look up to you.

Deanna said...

Oh, my dear Heidi. I'm so sorry that things are so rough right now. You are always able to find such great perspective in the midst of struggles, and I admire that greatly. It is definitely okay to let your house go (though I know how hard that is to let happen!!!) and to let yourself rest and recover. I'm definitely praying for some major improvement to head your way!! We love you!

erin said...

eeee, heidi. this sounds horrible. and that waiting for the results garbage is a grueling. last year i started getting headaches on one side of my head along with a slew of other bizarre symptoms, and my doctor immediately ordered a CT scan to check for brain tumors. comforting. so a clean diagnosis and a prescription of xanax later, things are better, but my bizarre episodes are chalked up to stress of a traveling husband and hormones and motherhood, all of which i know you deal with times ten. but the realization that these normal, everyday things were causing my very real and scary symptoms made me feel like i'd completely wandered off the reservation. so PMS or not, what you've got is obviously raging and real and should carry no shame in blaming it on what is seemingly silly, cos it sure ain't silly when you can't use your hands. i really hope that getting those hormones in balance will make everything better.

erin said...

eeee, heidi. this sounds horrible. and that waiting for the results garbage is a grueling. last year i started getting headaches on one side of my head along with a slew of other bizarre symptoms, and my doctor immediately ordered a CT scan to check for brain tumors. comforting. so a clean diagnosis and a prescription of xanax later, things are better, but my bizarre episodes are chalked up to stress of a traveling husband and hormones and motherhood, all of which i know you deal with times ten. but the realization that these normal, everyday things were causing my very real and scary symptoms made me feel like i'd completely wandered off the reservation. so PMS or not, what you've got is obviously raging and real and should carry no shame in blaming it on what is seemingly silly, cos it sure ain't silly when you can't use your hands. i really hope that getting those hormones in balance will make everything better.