it's vulgar, i know. my mother is disappointed in me

but my kids hands smell like butt.

this was disturbing to me on many levels.  the smell on their hands, grayce and easton specifically, was reason for me to call a major news corporation to investigate.  this could be why they have been the bearers of the vomits so many times this year.  i was pouring over the reasons i should feel guilty over their smelly hands and then decided that i would take the approach of the french parents i have been hearing all about.  i identify with the french and their methods.  my kids are generally well behaved in public.  i don't find myself tearing my hair out at home with their behavior, but i have found a look has developed with the birth of my third.  it could be that the third one tilts the dynamic of the entire balance of one adult for every child.  i have found that generally, two children are the honeymooning phase of parenting.  being outnumbered can cause a plethora of problems.  mainly, there are not enough hours in the day to gently or patiently discipline.  the third one at our house gets parented with the look.  i always try to tell myself when a disciplinary situation presents itself that anger is not an option.  getting mad at my kids does nothing but deplete my emotional and mental reserves.  so, the look has been born.  i can get away with the look or raising my hand to count and my kids shape up, usually.

this has come in handy especially as the butt smell has come to light.  i can flare my nostrils real large and unnatural looking and the kids head to the bathroom.  i hope that by the first sentence of this post you won't think poorly of me.  just today grayce tried telling easton that his uncasted arm smelled like butt.  she was given the look.  do as i say not as i uh,er do-say.  my kids can't say butt because i was not allowed to say butt.  even when i was telling my mother about the smell i felt guilty telling her it smelled like butt.  i fear telling her that the smell of bum bum wouldn't get the same response.

the good news came to me as i was sitting with my 5th grade daughter at her maturation program.  that's right.  the county stepped in to tell my daughter about her changing body.  two summers ago i gave my daughter the american girl body book to read.  we read and skimmed together but she mostly took the lead on educating herself with her nose in the book and a large pillow in front to block any nosy siblings from her education.  i didn't stop to think about an eight year old reading unfamiliar terms and what kind of pronunciation she would come up with.  i discovered my error at the program.  i will let you use your imagination but she leaned over to me twice to clarify the names of certain things.  one thing she needed clarification on was what she thought was a state named after a female part.  she wondered why they would name the female anatomy after the state of virginia.  also, she thought the term public hair was what it was called because everyone has it.   i thought i would be kicked out by the teachers i was laughing so hard.  but, the real reason for this side note is because the school nurse explained to us in great detail that at the age when change starts, it causes the glands all over the body to produce a white thick film that has major odor.  i was aware of under arms being a problem, but apparently it can cause a horrific smell anywhere the glands are located.  my kids have actually had chaffed hands because of the look i give that ques the washing.  it was of great relief to me to know that they were not dipping their hands in a bucket of butt, in fact, their glands were to blame.

and don't worry, scotty is hard at work developing hand odor eliminator that will make us our millions.  just think of it, apply hand odor eliminator and then cover with handerpants...........