Wednesday, February 2, 2011

begging you for mercy, yeah, yeah...

this picture perfectly represents rowan's perfect mercy;)

that was a fun one hit wonder, no?

mercy has pricked my thoughts lately. it seems as though snippy has become my middle name. and not wanting to hide behind excuses, BUT. winter with a newborn does tend to lead to large amounts of time spent in a house with other short people who demand attention. lots of people inside all of the time usually means much more chaos and such. it's basically life. i don't think we have boasted health at our house since november. it's enough to put you in the nut house at times.

i have with sadness watched my pattern around here form with the long winter months of reflection. the other day grayce was testing out her sewing machine she received for christmas. her test run was rice bags, only we didn't have a large surplus of rice, so she used some hand me down wheat. she filled it up for quite some time only to get it 1/5 full and then proceeded to sew it shut. we were heading off to a birthday party which had me cooking supplies for the bulk of the afternoon. add sunday to the mix and it meant i had been solo for the day, plus a really cute attachment needing nourishment frequently. my nerves were frazzled. so, when my beauty came down with her beanbag, presenting the finished product that was less than finished, i snapped. the machine wasn't threaded properly leaving a huge build up of thread that never really closed the fabric around most of the bag. wheat had dripped along her trail from the upstairs to the downstairs to show me her creation. this was the present she wanted to give for the birthday party and i snippily let her know she couldn't give that and why didn't she call me when the machine started acting up. in her tween emotional response system, tears started falling at the criticism. i on the other hand was void of sympathy as i was pulling the dessert out from the top oven, the two pans full of rolls from the bottom oven, squelching cries from a cantankerous 4 year old about missing shoes, and directing my husband about the placement of the food in the car.

at the time i didn't view this as a horrible high stress situation. obviously it was as i write it out and have had her response haunt me for a week. i am still working with great skill to develop methods to divide my attention. it is a transition requisite for each change life brings.

as i have thought hard about what i am lacking that would have provided grayce with a nurturing response, the thought that fills my mind is mercy.

mercy is something in this life i will never ever comprehend. it is my weakness for whatever reason. i think being a perfectionist plays a large part of it. but understanding mercy would solve every crisis in my present struggle.

as i was talking about it with my mom, she gave me the thought that a loving father, abounding with mercy, wouldn't allow us back with him by the skin of our teeth. mercy allows to have abundant opportunity to feel endless eternal bounds. it quiets the voice of perfection and offers patience in its place. it offers a humble heart to replace one hardened by life's trivialities. my extension of mercy allows me divide my time sufficiently to the people i love the most.

understanding mercy is precisely the reason we are on this earth. it will take me a lifetime of trial and joy to understand sufficiently a loving father's sacrifice of an only begotten son. comprehending that miracle more thru daily hungering for understanding is what propels one forward and unlocks daily peril.

so here's to today, with a grateful heart grasping a little more of this beautiful thing called mercy.


Angela said...

I have found myself many times...lacking mercy. Unfortunately, my oldest is usually the brunt of my stressed out times too. I hear you on this one? do you wonder if our parents screwed up as often as we do? I often think about that, and hope so, so I can have hope that my children won't be emotionally scarred by their CRAZY lady mother....

Angela said...

Thanks so much for this post...I have found myself with 40 things going on and the one who approaches me with a problem ending up being the brunt of my stressed out cries. .Usually the 9 year old in this house. Thanks for your post to remind me what's truely important. I only hope my mom screwed up as often as I do, and that my children are not permanently emotionally scarred by their crazy lady mother! I LOVE your blog

Deanna said...

Too true. Believe me, this lady could use a heck of a lot more mercy in her life too! I'm glad I'm not the only with with snippy as their middle name :-)