{love letters from h.mac}

dear grandma norma.

it has been almost three years now since you have left the chains of your tired physical body and had the chance to give me comfort from a place of rest.

yesterday i was driving to the temple for some holy worship at the house of the lord. i was pondering the early morning call we got from cousin billie jean about your sister. i was pondering how aunt donna was laying in her hospital bed hooked to life, waiting for her daughter to arrive from london to give her love. the prognosis was bad grandma. while i drove down washington boulevard, you entered into my world. i don't know how, and surely it is not something i can explain. but you were there.here. with me. i could feel your soft touch and inhale your smell. i could feel your warmth and love all around me. in my mind as i was trying to explain this away, my mind reasoned that maybe you got a break from the work you were doing on the other side and you were granted some time to be with your sister. maybe you were as close as i thought you were. there was a song on in the background by the MOTAB. it was "that one". you know. the one that wishes the silver lining to your clouds and the better tomorrows you experience from a place of rest. the one we listened to when grandpa pete was dying last year, so painful was every last breath for him. suddenly it hit me that you were gone. feeling you there with me for a minute made me realize how i miss you. how perfect and warm your love is. the sobs came fast, very very fast. it was such a beautiful thing to feel for a moment, you and i - but oh the ache that followed.

the last time we talked, you gasped as i came into your view. my belly was quite a sight for sore eyes. you then broke into giggles at the belly i was hauling around. and it was a sight for this 5'3" frame, i joined in your giggles. i was so glad i had told you that we were giving her middle name after your first. so glad. i didn't know that was going to be our last conversation here just hours away from the fall that claimed your journey here thru. maybe my hug would have been a little tighter. but then, as the baby redhead's arrival hastened and your passing was so fresh, in that really treacherous part of labor, there you were. i don't know how i can explain it. but i could see you in that corner of the room and oh how i wanted you there and as you could see, i needed you there. it was a scary situation and i needed your angel wings to get me thru.

for a moment yesterday in this experience, everything your physical absence denies me flooded over me and made me realize all i miss about being able to hop in my car and experience something new with you. so, i depend on the 27 years we had together that shaped you and i.

but then in my longing, i remember that hollow look in grandpa's eyes in that lonely time he spent here without you. i remember going to his house for the first time when he was the only hug to greet me. suddenly, my tears came for another reason. my grief came this time for the heartache he felt for you. for that loneliness that filled his every second he was apart from you. and suddenly, being apart from you doesn't seem unbearable. the reunion you two must have had. how i can't wait to hear about it.

on days that motherhood seems tiring, i remember my dad's clear recollection of him never being yelled at by you. never? ever? your patience persisted thru motherhood and your love for kids overcame that temptation. oh my heart swells with happiness that YOU are MY grandma. that i got to eat sundaes on sunday at your house for 27 years, that YOUR refrigerator cake was a part of MY life! that you are forever a part of me. the part that so lovingly raised my dad. every kindness and ounce of love you gave him was passed on. now, daily i get to pass it on to my little ones. from this full heart to yours grandma, thanks seems trite. and the phone call upon exit from the temple that your sister was awake and ready to greet a loving daughter? why yes, surely you were with us.

much love,
h.mac