the making of me {chapter 4}

i started packing up. we didn't have much. a few months previous we had purchased our first bit of furniture. our couches took a long, long time to be able to pay cash for. they have seen us through a lot of love. we also had a crib, a hand me down bed for "winds of love" that saw many mckay boys and some cousins thru, a beautiful kitchen table we worked hard for and a couple of odds and ends.

it was a very emotional process. i had 2 brothers leave on missions at the same time we were leaving and it felt like the family dynamics were all over the place. lots of change. i looked on the internet for everything i could find about new haven, CT. i used the idea of moving as a very romantic notion. pick up and leave, start fresh and new. yes, this was going to be nice. although i am sure i cannot understand what a missionary feels like, i had the ominous feeling of a looming countdown always at the back of my mind. 2 more sundays, 1 more date night with being able to leave our kids and go somewhere because after all, we will know NO ONE. at what point do you say, okay, i hand my children's life over to you for an hour? one week, one warm fuzzy, one background check? where's the rule book here.....

one other thing that thrilled me to very high levels was the thought of having our own place with windows. for four years we had the amazing blessing of being able to live in scott's grandma's basement. it was new, roomy and so beautiful! she didn't charge us rent, which made it possible for us to survive on nothing annually. we had the most amazing benefit of being able to get to know and love her in such a private way. i love her like my own grandma, she is so special to me. the only downfall was that the windows it had were not able to let light in too well. i couldn't see what the weather was like unless i walked up the stairs. being at home most everyday with no husband to break up the monotony got really depressing for me. i love being a homemaker and being in with the kids but i do need to see birds flitting from tree to tree, see the seasons make way for another and see the beautiful sun! so, the thought of having windows with a view, mercy, my heart still flutters. in fact, on our housing application i marked the spot to put us where there was one extra window.

we laid out the logistics of it. s.mac drives across the country with a uhaul and a willing family member and h.mac flies with 2 babies alone to meet him. yes, that is how we will do it. we reserved the uhaul, s.mac's dad volunteered to drive 2400 miles with him and i bought my plane tickets, one way from the rocky mountains to JFK airport, 80 miles from New Haven.

we had lots of tender mercies extended to us before leaving and one in particular was a very sweet one that benefited me beyond measure.

we were moving in late july. before we left, we went to our last community 4th of july celebration. it was a bitter sweet one, it is my favorite holiday. as we were leaving i ran into an old high school friend. we always had a unique bond because we dated the same boy but at different times. so, i think there was always some weird connection, plus, we had known each other since junior high sharing various classes. of course we lost touch after high school, running into one another at the grocery store here and there.

as we finished our conversation that day, we left with a promise that we would get together before i moved. somehow, the call was made and we got together at the golden arches. our kids were the same ages and played brilliantly. she had just had twins and my bud"e" was the same age as the twins. we talked and talked and talked and something just clicked. it was a tender mercy that brings tears to my eyes as i type. we needed one another. i just plain didn't have friends at this point. too busy, too stressed and life was too fast. somehow during the course of these few weeks there was a bond stemming from a deep need in the both of us that proved to flow as smooth as water. we got to go out to dinner right before i left, a first for both of us in a long time. i had a gift certificate for a local fav and that was good because we were both broke as a joke. no, even more broke than that......

the evening was spent relating similar "new to the realities of life" {aka the first 5 years of marriage} experiences. i felt so validated and so normal after talking. something in me came alive with a friend on my side.

we left with promises to call.

and she did, right after i got there to make sure i got there okay. she asked if i had cried yet and i told her, "no, but it was bad and i just might."

and the truth be told, i was a little teary that night thinking of how sweet it was she had called. and she kept calling, once a week for 2 years, it was the highlight of my week....